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hearttrouble · Sep 13, 2011, 06:51 PM

My situation is a bit unique, my ex boyfriend and I got together when our spouses were cheating with each other and led to divorce. We helped each other through a very rough time and it ended amicably. He has a new girlfriend now, I am single. I am consumed with comparing myself to her, I always thought he and I had a special bond. No contact now, which is fine. But I am having a lot of trouble letting go. I work a lot and fill my time with activities and a large diverse group of friends.

talaniman · Sep 13, 2011, 07:18 PM

I think you haven't healed sufficiently, but you will in time, if you keep doing what you are doing, and are happy with yourself.

How long has it been??

hearttrouble · Sep 13, 2011, 07:36 PM

Thank you for reaching out, going on two years in November but we remained friends, no contact now though, I don't want to interfere, but I just miss him sometimes and I feel stuck/trapped I have great friends and lots of activities, but I live in a small town, which makes it very tough. I don't know where I belong. It's a terrible feeling, lived here fifteen years now.

The hard part is, I feel my best years are behind me and I don't know what to do about that. I'm losing hope in a big way.

talaniman · Sep 13, 2011, 07:54 PM

How long with total NC is what I was searching for and do you bump into each other in your small town? How old are you both?

Nosy ain't I? But seriously though, just trying to see if boredom or restlessness, or discontent, is a factor in your missing him.

hearttrouble · Sep 13, 2011, 08:00 PM

We are seven years apart, I'm in my early forties. We remained close platonic friends for two years, no contact in the last six months since he's been in this new relationship. I'm not bored, work three jobs, lots of friends, but something will not let myself be free of this. I know how to avoid them and do. You're not nosy, just thorough!

talaniman · Sep 13, 2011, 08:20 PM

No Contact for 6 months is hard when people are in a relationship, but honestly, losing a friend is just as hard, if not harder. No doubt there are still feelings from your break up. Cheating hurts really bad, and luckily you had a good friend in your time of need.

BUT... you should at least play as hard as you work. Close to a big city? Shopping spree, spa, play, movie just site seeing!! Take a girlfriend. Something different from the usual. I've never been bored, or looked back for long, work hard, play hard is the way I have always seen it. Make time to play, and have some good adult fun.

hearttrouble · Sep 14, 2011, 03:24 AM

The hard part is I feel she has everything since she has him, it had run its course between he and I, but I cannot get my head straight about it, and it hurts to see him make it look so easy moving on. I feel I don't exist at all with him or never really did. I fill my days, but when I'm alone it's the pits.

vanheart · Sep 14, 2011, 08:22 PM

"The hard part is, I feel my best years are behind me"

That's what's holding you back. If those were the best times, then. Well. c'mon, really. That's crazy.

You got with him under duress. Without really being ready. Neither one of you.

Consoling is one thing. But, knowing who & when is another. Don't confuse yourself. Comfort.

"He has a new girlfriend now, I am single."
"We remained close platonic friends for two years"

Bad idea. Because you want more & him. He doesn't.

Oh, well.

vanheart · Sep 14, 2011, 08:32 PM

"I feel I don't exist at all with him or never really did."

Awesome. That's the ticket. Keep that up. Its true. You never did.

Its not about you & your love. Just your obsession w/him & his girlfriend.

Its been long enough. Don't be one of those girls that waits for that guy forever. I meet girls like that & run.

You went NC for 6 months? Try 12. Then 24.

talaniman · Sep 15, 2011, 03:50 PM

Change your own thinking. Instead of seeing this as losing something to someone better, see this as creating a better opportunity to be happy. You are free to gain much more than you lost.

Those alone times are hard to deal with, and can make you dwell on things until you can change your actions, and then change your thoughts.

During my break ups I always had a project, or chore ready to distract me, when I was alone and awake. Washing your hair, or preparing the wardrobe for the next day, or anything, be creative.

Heck most times after going through the to do list, I just went to bed, and the heck with all that thinking and feeling.

Kind of lazy, I know. :o

QLP · Sep 15, 2011, 04:13 PM

Did you ever get chance to really resolve your feelings about your marriage ending and being cheated on? I'm asking because I am wondering if having this man around helped to cushion some of that at the time. So now you have lost not only a man you care about but also the person that shielded you from previous pain.

Your husband cheated on you. That must have felt like a rejection of you in favour of another. Could there be some overlap of feelings between the two situations? Could some of this be delayed grief from the past too?