[justmejustme]

Out of fear of me finding out in another way, my boyfriend just informed me that for the last six years, every now and again, he would give oral sex, (or receive it while watching straight porn), for money to a rich gay man.

I've dated my boyfriend for almost a year, and live with him, and just found this all out. My boyfriend finally opened up to me once he realized this man was going to contact me. I guess my boyfriend had, for the most part, disappeared from this man since he and I met.

From what I'm told they met up once in the beginning of our relationship, and then it stopped. About a month ago this man started calling my boyfriend non-stop and threatening him if he didn't start seeing him again.

They met up last week... My boyfriend pretended he was going to do the "job" he used to do for this man before meeting me, but instead took the man's money, and ran away.

He said he didn't intend on doing anything with him. He just wanted to take his money, so the guy would learn to stop harassing him, and my boyfriend needed the money. We had both lost our jobs last month, and although getting back on our feet, we are still a little behind.

I never thought of my boyfriend as gay, and although he's obviously sick, I still don't think he's gay. Just psychologically damaged.

I've stumbled upon his porn history on the computer, (of women by themselves), and he seems very attracted to women that pass by... Not that I like that, but hey, he looks. Apparently this whole thing started with this guy when my boyfriend had just turned 18 years old and was broke and living on his own.

This mN had come into my boyfriend's restaurant he worked at thE time and had given him an amazing tip, and left his business card, informing my boyfriend that he had a great job opportunity for him. This guy actually knew my boyfriend's friend at the time, so my boyfriend felt comfortable meeting up with this guy to find out about the job.

Turns out the job was for him to give him oral sex for pay. Sometimes even gifts, new furniture, etc. My boyfriend has had a troubled past with his alcoholic mother who had abandoned him at a young age, so he has a past of pain and damage and feelings of neglect and worthlessness, (so there's already low self worth), and since he was broke, he figured he would do it just that one time, block it out of his memory, and take the money.

It turned into a regular thing for the next six years. Whenever this man wanted my boyfriend to come over, he would threaten him with harm to my boyfriend's family if he didn't come over to do it again, or would tell all of his friends and family that he was gay if he didn't do it.

So, my boyfriend, feeling all of this guilt and shame would comply, and be rewarded with money. Either do it to this guy or having the guy do it to him while he was zoned out on pills and watching straight porn to be able to go through with it.

This guy knew my boyfriend wasn't into it, but obviously took advantage. Now this man continues with his threats, and even has lawyers and private detectives helping him to make it look as though my boyfriend has stolen from him, and is threatening that if my boyfriend doesn't continue to do this job for him every once in awhile, that his life will be ruined with the damage that this man can and "will" do using the law (he's successful and has some profession with lawyers).

This man has threatened that he will harm my boyfriends family, as well as me, and my boyfriends reputation. This man has already harassed us by having the cops show up with false claims that my boyfriend was trying to commit suicide, as well as has called my boyfriend's father and friends telling them that my boyfriend is gay, (he obtained the phone numbers from my boyfriends call log, because one of the gifts he once gave my boyfriend was a phone, which allowed him to look at call logs online).

How do we settle this and get away from this guy? He is wealthy, and has investigators gathering information on his behalf. He knows my car, my name, where my boyfriend lives. How do we move on as a couple? How do I heal? How does he heal? How should I take all of this?

My boyfriend is full of guilt, shame, and feels like he wants to die sometimes because of the humiliation and possible future humiliation.

Please help. This man is powerful, and we are poor.

[tickle]

I would say you end this relationship now while you still can. He is playing on your sympathy.

Do you actually kknow all you have written that you have been threatened and your family by this 'rich man' or is this what your b/f has told you?

Summation, get out of it while you can; I think it is all a good story on your b/fs part; no one, absolutely no one has this much power over the police. If you want to go one step further, report this man to the police or the FBI, if you want the number we can find that for you.

Tick

[smoothy]

Sounds to me like he wanted to do it... no force was involved.

The last thing a guy wants to do is put his Johnson in the mouth of an unwilling participant. Teeth clamping down will ruin his life real quick. Your boyfriend decided the money and the gifts were worth performing oral repeatedly on another man.

Most straight guys would never consider it at any price. But apparently he liked doing it enough to keep doing it.

Not unlike some female escorts do for extra money they don't actually need for survival.

Most women would not consider that either in any but the most poor countries.

I know what he tells you... and reality is people tend to say what they think you want to hear, you wasn't there and don't know the other guy to hear their side. I believe this is also one of those times. Its not like a gun was to his head and it happened only once.

[Cat1864]

Let's get this out of the way. Your boyfriend did steal from him at least once-this last time.

I am very curious about the time line.

'... my boyfriend just informed me... ' Sounds like he in the past few days told you all of this.

However, this makes it sound like you have known or been aware of a problem for much longer:

This man has already harassed us by having the cops show up with false claims that my boyfriend was trying to commit suicide, as well as has called my boyfriend's father and friends telling them that my boyfriend is gay, (he obtained the phone numbers from my boyfriends call log, because one of the gifts he once gave my boyfriend was a phone, which allowed him to look at call logs online).

It is also interesting that the man 'left' your boyfriend alone for a year, then shows up in his life again about a month ago. If he is as powerful as you seem to think and wants your boyfriend as much as your boyfriend says, I doubt it would have taken him a year to get in touch. The phone would have shown where your boyfriend is.

Apparently, the man has already told family and friends so his 'blackmail' threats don't hold water.

Other than supposedly false allegations of stealing, there really isn't anything else that can be said or done from what you have posted that hasn't been. The police are involved. You, his father and friends know at least part of the story. Who else is there left to care about?

Your boyfriend needs to get his life in order. If he is feeling all of these negative emotions and they are affecting his daily life, he needs to look into counseling. If you are in the states, many health departments can get him in touch with the proper people. You/he can do research on what is available in your area if you aren't.

As for you, you can decide to stay with him and try to work through the issues with him. Be prepared for more revelations that may change the facts as you know them at this moment.

You have a better concept of the actual time line and events. However, it seems like in this past month a lot has happened according to your post. I would take a step back and get the facts before deciding to stay with him. Actually, because of the discrepancies, I would probably walk away.

[tickle]

I really don't believe this 'man' is a worthwhile person, and probably putting on an act, not as great as he thinks he is. I also don't think the b/f is entirely up front with the OP about his involvement with this 'man'. I think he probably enjoys every minute of the drama that he has created in all of this.

Tick

[slapshot_oi]

They met up last week... My boyfriend pretended he was going to do the "job" he used to do for this man before meeting me, but instead took the man's money, and ran away. . . He said he didn't intend on doing anything with him. He just wanted to take his money, so the guy would learn to stop harassing him.

Let me get this straight. To make this guy go away, your boyfriend thought larceny was the best move.. . Your boyfriend is either a bad liar, or just stupid. Why would anyone think that is a good idea? Moreover, the fact that you posted that is evidence against your boyfriend, should this rich creep find this post.

Secondly, if this guy was harassing your boyfriend for the past six years, why hasn't he reported this creep already? He may even be able to sue for damages. Six years have gone by and he's 24 (right?), I think I speak for everyone when I say it's really puzzling why a grown man has not stuck up for himself.

My gut tells me these pills that your boyfriend needed in order to "go through with it" is a big factor in his relationship with the rich guy.

Your boyfriend sounds like a real shady dude, break up with him.

[Fr_Chuck]

I think there has to be a lot more to the story, I am sorry it is causing you the hurt and pain.

Depending on how young he was when it started, he may have been talked into, but it appears over the years he has done it willingly. This does not mean he is a bad person, he just agreed to have sex for money,

After that he has now stolen money from the man, Not sure what this will do to stop him calling and threatening. Now he can threaten to report him to the police.

There is nothing that a sex partner can threaten

[odinn7]

Yeah, he wasn't forced to do this... for money and gifts... that's not being forced. I'm thinking your BF likes or liked doing this and was messing around with the guy without your knowledge. Maybe they had some kind of fight and the other guy threatened to tell you... so, it could be that your BF decided to fabricate a story for you in case the other guy did try to tell you. Maybe... maybe not.

Either way, he wasn't forced, that much I know. And think about it, no straight guy is going to want to perform oral on another guy... not for money or gifts.

I think there's way more involved behind this ridiculous story he told you.

[Aurora_Bell]

I find it interesting that there first time the boyfriend was propositioned he willingly agreed because he needed the money, now he is being forced into doing these things? Sounds like a good movie to me.

You have 3 choices here: you and your boyfriend call the police and file a harrassment/rape charge, you leave him, or you continue to live this lie.

[justmeaskingu]

Thank you all for caring so much. When I posted this last week, it was the day after I had found out about what was going on. My mind wasn't thinking clearly, and I was in shock. Now things are a lot more in perspective, but I still have some questions circling around in my mind. My boyfriend and I have done a lot of talking. He's changed his number, so the guy can't reach him anymore, and I feel like he's finally realized he can't b.s. about this story anymore... at least as much as he had (I mean, I can't necessarily trust that he's 100% honest after all). At 18, when he met this man, he was into drugs and his family turned there back on him, and sometimes he had nowhere to go (he was locked out and ignored)... this man offered him money, small gifts, got him out of trouble with his minor misdemeanors, allowed for him to stay at his house while he wasn't around just to hang out and get away. First it started as a "job offer" meet up, the money was offered, my dumb boyfriend thought quick money for drugs was a good idea, then the guy got to know him a little more and started helping him out in the ways I just listed... when my boyfriend didn't want to do it anymore, the threats would start. My boyfriend had several gf's since and lied to all of them the same way he did me. Some found out and left. Some never knew. I guess the reason this man started to search for me was because he was getting jealous that my boyfriend had a girl in his life and didn't want to be with him. This guy wanted more than just an occasional escort. My boyfriend decided this last month he wanted to end this for once and for all, but thought he should go over to the guy's place one more time, take the money this time and not do anything for it. Of course this pissed the man off, he started calling my boyfriend non-stop that night and my boyfriend was crying to him saying he just wanted to die and wanted all of this to end. That's why the police showed up that night. I had just gotten home from work after all of this happened (we live together), and things seemed fine. Then the police showed up saying this man had called saying his roommate wanted to kill himself. When the police showed up, I was baffled and my boyfriend pretended he was confused. The police left thinking this crazy man obsessed with my boyfriend (who my boyfriend had previously "worked for" and was just obsessed with him)was just a lunatic and calling the police out of the blue on my boyfriend just to harass him because of the past that had been supposedly long over and was never anything more than an undeserved obsession. This man, a couple day later finally got a hold of me... told me that my boyfriend had been his boyfriend for 6 years (not an escort... but when I asked if he paid for the sex and what not, the guy started to fumble on his words badly and wouldn't give a clear answer). My boyfriend thought he could just ignore his past and never have to tell me, and we could go on in our happy little relationship. Stupid boy. Now that I know, my boyfriend has opened up to me... the first person he's ever been able to admit what he enjoyed about the sexual experiences, what he likes done to him, what damage he feels has been inflicted on him, his feelings of guilt and shame. I've told him what he's done was extremely wrong, I don't know if I'll ever trust him, and that he doesn't know what love is. I also told him that what he enjoys sexually is not wrong, whether he's bi, gay, straight or whatever. That's fine, but disrespecting people, partners and lying is incredibly selfish, dangerous (health wise), and that is what he should feel guilt and shame for. He told me this man made him feel good and did things to him that he was ashamed to tell women he wanted done to him, but that he hated the fact a guy was doing it... and that's where the drugs, alcohol, and watching straight porn while it was done came into play. However, he did do things to this man... even if they didn't stick in each in other's you know what, they did everything else... I've told him if he enjoys both sexes then we should talk about it and there should be a healthy understanding between us about what's allowed and not allowed, and if I'm not the one for him, then I'm not the one, but that someone else will please him the way he wants to be pleased as long as there is trust and respect. I informed him of the importance of respect and honesty, and that if he were to just go slow with a partner, not cheat on them, and over time grow close and begin to experiment with them, that things could be really great for him. He's telling me he wants to be with me, wants a future with me, wants a family with me, wants my trust, and wants honesty. He's also telling me he feels no need to do that to a man again, have it done to him by a man again, and wants to do those acts with me now that his secret desires are out... he was just afraid to admit and talk about his sexual needs with me before, and this guy had helped him realize what he liked, beginning at 18 when he was just trying to make drug money and get by... what do you think of this??

[NeedKarma]

Is he still addicted to drugs?

[excon]

My Boyfriend Was Forced into Sexual Favors with a Man - - What Do I Do?

Hello just:

Forced?? FORCED?? I didn't read about any FORCE. What I read is that your boyfriend is a prostitute and a thief, and he's gay too.

If that's fine with you, stick around.

excon

[smoothy]

Connsider these facts...

#1 He played the skin flute for pay... not once but over years.
Then lied to you about the details.

#2 He committed a robbery. No excuses allowed. Robbery is robbery.

Besides the addiction issues I see a track record of poor choices he isn't taking personal responsibility for.

Do I care that he once used? No, I care about he might still be.

Do I care if he liked sausage? No, I do care that he wasn't honest about it. (and if you both haven't been tested you should be). There MIGHT have been more than he admitted to.

Do I care about him robbing the guy, Damn right I am... and you should be as well. You are likely to be the next victim.

[Aurora_Bell]

What's with the name change?

[justmeaskingu]

I can't thank you all enough for helping me analyze this! I really, truly can't! I promised I wouldn't tell our friends about this, in order to help him through his self realization and guilt and shame; but it's made me feel alone.

Name change because I couldn't log back in for some reason with the other name.

Okay... bad choice after bad choice always thinking he could get away with it, feeling like a bad person who was worth nothing, and this man kept allowing him back into his live like an idiot, allowing for him to play his dumb games. So we have two people here who manipulate and make bad choices with one another... and then there's me who has too much a heart of gold. I want to believe because my boyfriend is young and had troubled youth and bad background and now feels hopeless because he's done too much wrong that he now just wants to make things right. I want to support this choice of his. I want to help. I want to believe him (not trust because that's out the window)... but I don't want to be nieve either and have him cheat on me or steal from me (I doubt he'd steal though... I'm someone he looks up to, not someone he sees as a money bag he receives sexual pleasure from). He's telling me now that what started as a one time thing for money turned into something rather enjoyable, but he felt guilty for it because of who it was with a guy and it mentally broke him down. He's scared to be labeled gay. This guy threatened to tell his friends he was gay, so that probably made him feel ashamed, he has no gay friends, and his dad told him gay means you're sick. He has told his dad about this though. He's opened up a lot to me and to his father (more so me though). I see progress, and having had me in his life (my genuine, be kind to everyone and open mindedness self) has probably helped him to see some sort of light and realize how ****ty it was for him to do what he's done. I want to help people, but I don't want to be hurt in the process. Plus I live with him and I can't just run out right away yet... if I choose to do so.

In the mean time though, is he in denial about being bi or maybe just straight up lying to me? He says he watches straight porn, never wanted a man, and doesn't want one again... it was just what the man did to him and he didn't know a woman would be willing and he was scared to ask. Furthermore, is it possible someone see the light and become an honest person?

[justmeaskingu]

Dam... I just don't know where in this day and age you draw the line when it comes to sexuality and helping people... nor do I know how much to believe that someone who's so down about themselves and feels so ashamed for their past will actually turn to becoming a true, honest person. I have no sorrow for him anymore. I realize he wasn't forced. I was stupid for believing in the possibility of that for the first 24 hours when my mind was in shock.

[smoothy]

He lied... he's still lying about this and I bet he's lying about far more things too. You MIGHT (but I don't see how) be manipulated onto a one time act. You don't get manipulated into a Homosexual act repeatedly over years if you don't like performing it it. No possible way, that just doesn't happen. Would YOU perform oral on another woman if YOU didn't like it? Think about that a minute. Not just once... but repeatedly over years.

He's telling you a BS story about why and how rather than simply being honest. In other words he's been telling lies... and he is still telling lies.

He is blaming everyone else rather than accepting full responsibility for his own choices... and the robbery, the repeated oral acts... the drugs... every one of those was his own personal choices.

I don't doubt you have a good heart... but he is now the one doing the manipulating here. Accepting money for sexual favors is Prostitution... and that makes him a male prostitute. Or at the very least, previously one. That's a misdemeanor offense, but still another crime.

The issue isn't if he is bi or not... its the fact he never accepts responsibility, AND has issues telling the truth. Not to count... following the law. He committed a robbery after all. That's a felony that will result in jail time if convicted. And would let him practice up on his prior paid profession.

You could possibly inadvertently get tied in with any future crimes he may commit. I think you can do far better, these sorts of actions are going to seriously hamper how far he will advance in life. Which means you might end up renting in a Trailer park rather than owning an upscale home in a nice neighborhood years from now if you marry him.

[justmeaskingu]

(no - he's not still doing drugs - just to answer your question there)

You're all right... I guess I just want to believe in the good of people and that they can become better. He doesn't deserve me, nor do I deserve this b.s. I just always wish for the best in people, and I always end up waiting around trying to help their lives. It's so often that ex's contact me to tell me how much I've helped them to realize in life, thanking me. I feel like I'm just a lesson giver to help people to become better people. It's a burden though... who's loving me. I truly do get multiple compliments when I go out, and am hit on regularly by strangers. I'm open minded and easy going and really want to have a good relationship. I'm pretty much the best girlfriend to have. Not that I've always been this way; but I find myself to have been so in the last three relationships for sure (I'm 28 now). I'm starting to feel stupid, and settling almost seemed like the only choice, but I guess that's how people end up sitting at the bar drinking their sorrows away with nothing to show for it by "retirement" age... damn... so moving on's the option. I know in some odd way he truly thinks he loves me. It's because no one has shown him love, and I've been the first to show him (for an entire year) what genuine love feels like (to receive anyway). I hope leaving doesn't make him fall back into his old ways. How do I always end up in mixed up situations. It's truly never obvious until I live with the guy... then the skeletons come out of the closet to play. Well, I'm 28... have to be smart on this next choice if I ever want a best friend, partner, and a family someday. Thank you all.

[JoeCanada76]

Everybody is spot on in this thread. Now the hard question, or if somebody already asked it. Apologize ahead of time for skimming through the answers.

Now I think it is your job to get tested for STD. The risk factor with the history , etc... Not sure if you were practicing safe sex or not. Please get yourself tested for stds, maybe it was not on your mind but considering the circumstances it should be.

[justmeaskingu]

It's on my mind. I'm making him pay for it. Thank you all so much. If I hadn't found this website, and you all hadn't taken the time to cared enough to respond, I don't know what I would've done. I appreciate your straight forward answers and support. How did I get twisted in this shiit? My god... just when you think you know someone. Thank you again.