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KelsyO · Sep 13, 2011, 09:01 PM

My friend (and we are not really that close lately) is having a 35th birthday party for her husband. My husband and I do not want to go. We especially don't want to go because we are not even in their social circle. We have been out to dinner twice in the past year. She asked us last week and I stumbled upon an excuse and both her and her hubby laughed, saying ah an excuse already or something to that affect. I thought it was rude.

I really don't wish to remain really friends at all anymore. We are family though, and will see each other from time to time, but not too much. Her mother is my sister, and is quit rude a lot of the time, so I am trying to be around less also. She only mentioned it once in the past week and a half, and said she would give a time and has not, party is 5 days away.(And some things have happened between us in the meantime, not terrible, but sort of rude on her part)

Anyway, when she does finally call or text, is OK to respond via text and tell her we just won't be able to make it? Thanks for any advice.

Jake2008 · Sep 14, 2011, 04:38 AM

You don't need an excuse or reason, not to attend any social function, family or not. Simply tell her that you're sorry, but you won't be able to attend the party. Maybe send a card.

The more you talk about it or try to explain why you won't be there, the more it eventually reaches the stage where it's easier to go, than not to go!

You are simply stating that you won't be able to attend. No explanation necessary. IF she sends an invite or calls to see if you're going, or changed your mind, keep it simple. Just say you won't be able to attend. Period. Repeat politely if necessary.

talaniman · Sep 14, 2011, 03:28 PM

Send a gift or card and drop it, as you already said you are not going, so don't. Bet you miss a lot of family though.

Prusec · Sep 15, 2011, 06:15 AM

I fully understand why you aren't interested in your niece or her husband, but I don't understand why you feel the need to make excuses.
If I were in your position, I would do exactly as Jake suggests. Simply advise them that you are not able to make it, and tell them that you hope they have a wonderful evening.

KelsyO · Sep 15, 2011, 12:10 PM

Thank you all so much:-)Well we have decided to go. You know, I can have so many reasons to not go to things I am invited to and look at how I am not close with someone as I use to be, but I really think at this stage in my life I need to look for reasons to be around others, not to avoid them. Yes, my sister is mean at times and I am not close with my niece as I once was, but I do not want to be bitter. I am always trying to be a better person and to be more gracious as I get older and I think too, I need to start by accepting people and situations for what they are and not as I would like them to be. I am not saying I will be a doormat! Like when my sister says something mean, I will jusy say something like, "that's not nice or why do you always have to say something negative?"... how about that?

QLP · Sep 15, 2011, 04:40 PM

I wouldn't say to someone, 'you always... ' anything. This generally leads into a, 'what do you mean always, what else have I said, what about when you... blah blah' type of thing. Some would also say it gives the person no room to do anything different if you brand them a certain way with, 'always.'

If people say or do something which upsets me I tell them there and then. Do it enough times and they might just work out how often they do it themselves. Try, 'I don't lilke you saying that, it makes me feel.. because... ' You may find that they don't realise how you feel and don't mean the things they say quite as negatively as you hear them.

Of course, some people won't be happy to hear that you don't like everything they do or say and will not be happy for you to be honest about your own feelings. I believe that it is always good to give people the chance to treat you better, by making clear what you want from them, but if they prefer to turn away rather than taking that chance then life really is too short.

We often feel bitter if we let people treat us badly and don't complain. Sometimes if we look really closely we are as angry with ourselves for taking rubbish from people as we are with them for dishing it out.

I hope you enjoy yourself after all.