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motherg · Feb 16, 2007, 11:31 AM

Hello,

I don't know if this is the right forum to ask this question but I will ask and see what happens.

I am a 50 year old divorced woman who has within the last 6 months befriended a 47 year old gay Male. I enjoy spending time with him and doing activities such as movies, dinner, shopping... etc.We have fun together and he makes me laugh. He is very gay and out and times he seems to challenge people with his sexuality by saying things like, " Yeah I'm gay...got a problem with that?"

The problem is that he is making sexual comments about my 29 year old son and he makes sexual innuendos in front of my 25 year old daughter. My daughter is a teacher and a strict Catholic and she never once said anything bad about my friend (Louie) but Louie has recently come to me and claimed he cannot be friends with my daughter since they obviously have different views. I asked Louie to stop saying that my son is "hot" and very "f**k-able" because this angered and upset me. He did stop but he thinks my daughter needs to get over her views.

Anyway last week we both went to my sister-in-laws house and in the presence of my 18 year old niece he kept making sexual innuendos in which she just gave him a very dry-what-are-you-talking-about look.
I asked if anyone (not my niece) wanted Liqueur and he responded, "Hey Sally do you want to Lick-her? I want to lick her. what do you say we both lick-her". I was mortified and angry and I told him to stop. He then proceeded to cop an attitude and every time I asked him a question he would respond, "I don't want to embarrass you...am I embarrassing you? Your so frigging sensitive."

We haven't really spoken since then and I decided to write him an email explaining that I felt uncomfortable with his remarks in front of my family members and to please stop it.
He immediately got all defensive and turned it around on me saying that he will not control his mouth in the presence of adults. We sent emails back and forth and all I asked him was for this one thing and he refused and claimed he was going to keep his distance at this time because he doesn't feel emotionally safe with me now. I'm feeling peaceful now but a part of me misses his friendship but I drew a boundary and he doesn't want to respect this... what do you think?

phillysteakandcheese · Feb 16, 2007, 11:50 AM

Simply - The guy is a jerk.

His behaviour is rude, and frankly if can't be mature enough to respect your wishes or those of your family, you're far better off without him and his attitude.

kanicky73 · Feb 16, 2007, 12:39 PM

I agree, let me say that part of being a good friend to someone is also being respectful of things that bother them or their beliefs. It sounds to me that he found a comfortable state with you and took it too far. My step brother is gay and once he "came out" it was sort of like that for a while. He said its hard to explain why but you just feel like you want to shout it to the world because you have held it in for so long. He used to make similar comments and I finally told him that being gay doesn't mean that everything is about sex. He didn't realize that it was coming off that way. There are so many stereotypes about gay men and women and unfortunately most of them seem to insist on letting the world know they are sexual people. Well we all are but we don't need to talk about it all the time. I think a little distance from him is a good thing right now. If he was a true friend he will realize that what he has done was inconsiderate. I wish you luck.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 16, 2007, 01:24 PM

I've known quite a few gay people, male and female, and made some great friendships too. Some I met were just like you described in your post. A few of those turned out like Kanicky's stepbrother where the pendulum just swung too far the other way after being released from sexual orientation hell. Some, however, remained like that.

This is not flirting to me (flirting is subtle and like sex, needs to take place between two consenting adults, to be fair). I too can be uncomfortable with any relentless flirting or overly sexual stuff, gay or straight, so I asked about it among my most trusted gay friends. They said there is a difference between "main stream" gays who assimilate into the largely heterosexually dominated culture and those who largely live in gay world. The sexually explicit ones typically spend more of their time among their own kind where that open sexualness is more accepted. Its basically considered gay flirting.

I asked my "Mainstreamers" then if they flirted like this and they said yes but behind closed doors or among their gay friends only. They laughed and said they take their political actvism down other paths. I said "smart cookies!" No telling how your friend will turn out in the long run but for me, I was okay with losing contact with the ones who are committed to being explicit since I would do the same with any straight person too. I blush too easily over that stuff! LOL

kanicky73 · Feb 16, 2007, 01:29 PM

Thank you valinors_sorrow, that was very nicely put and I think it will help her understand what frame of mind her friend is really in.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 16, 2007, 01:30 PM

It sounds like he cares little for your friendship and is looking for a "fight" over his sexual nature.

In proper society you don't make sexual comments about your friends children, straight or gay. And I have a very strong opinon on gays, but that does not mean we can not have social relationships together.

He is in fact a bigot hisself in that he is judging them by what he thinks they will do or act.

He is the sort of person that helps build the sterotype of gay people and is why many people have bad feelsings about them.

I would not wish to have people to be friends if they could not and did not respect my family or at least not be vocal on them.

jellyfishattack · Feb 25, 2007, 11:10 PM

Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

Simply - The guy is a jerk.

A first class jerk!

"...claimed he was going to keep his distance at this time because he doesn't feel emotionally safe with me now" I love the way he won't admit his boorish behaviour is his problem. Also, he couldn't care less how "emotionally safe" you or anyone else feels. His behaviour is unsettling and unacceptable gay or straight.

kp2171 · Feb 25, 2007, 11:45 PM

He doesn't feel safe emotionally with you??

Quite the sleight of hand blame shifter.

You know, at this point, you can count on him for limited friendship... not around your family or close friends.

At best you could have a limited friendship, but you know what you are getting, and its unlikely that he would ever change.

I have a friend I know to be a jerk. Basically I hardly see him anymore, and when I do it is only in situations where I'm not with people I care about and where I could walk away from his nonsense and not look back.

Its sad, but I know the relationship... I accept that this is as much as ill get, and I keep my contact with him limited to knowing how he is likely to act.