[Derragon]

I am having trouble finding anything left to do in life, I quite literally do bad at everything. I mean everything and no exaggeration, I mean I have lost 4 jobs in the past 3 years, one that even paid extremely well with good job security because I kept getting hurt. I have found a new job driving trucks but the boss so far, while willing to give me a chance because he can't find anyone else to work for him, is very suspicious of me and doesn't trust me. The only thing I have going for me is that it has been 7 years since I had a wreak and I have never received a traffic citation. I hope it lasts but we will see, I have a feeling it won't. I don't think I will have a wreak or anything but I do think I will hurt myself in some way. I feel bad that I am such a liability to those around me, I am accident prone, worthless and broken. I took up several hobbies, from building models to welding, all resulting in trips to the hospital shortly after I started. I can count 14 times in the past year alone that I have had to go to the hospital to get stitches or treat burns. I tried taking up cooking as hobby, I even worked at a restaurant, after cutting a deep gash in my finger at work resulting in termination, and the other incidents helped, getting burned on the grill and the oven. At home I even turned around at knocked a pot over causing third degree burns on most of my hand. My other jobs resulted in injuries so severe I don't even wish to talk about them. I take up modeling and cut a deep gash in my hand half an inch deep and four inches long, I took up welding and caused burns so severe I am left with an extremely ugly scar that took years to heal. I took up simple chemistry and after getting acid down the inside of my rubber gloves I gave that up. I played video games but being unable to proceed past easy difficulty on most games I grew tired of it. I sit at home bored and uneasy, full of anxiety and depression. I see a counselor, and I take medication but it feels like it's just keeping my afloat, by placing a small pylon in the middle of an ocean for me to stand on.

Don't get me wrong, most of the time I am under direct supervision of someone trying to help me, and I follow every single last safety precaution possible but they can only prevent so much without making the task impossible to do. I am tired of it, I try and try and fail and fail, I am just waiting to lose a finger or a limb or even an eye.

I am at a loss, I am on my last job and I feel in the economy it will be impossible to find another job if I get fired from a fifth job. There a very few people who haven't given up on me. My counselor says I just need to focus more, be more aware of what I am doing and keep trying. However, I am tired of failing at everything, there has not been one thing I tried that has not ended in an injury. I have no motivation to continue I find little reason to. I just want to do something I can be good at and proud of. I don't mind making mistakes, messing stuff up just makes me want to try harder until I get hurt then I can't even think about doing it again.

I find the more attention I put on one particular task the easier it is for my mind to wander, I find putting background noise on helps me to relax a little bit and focus on delicate tasks. I wouldn't say I ever lose complete focus of anything I do, and only twice that I can honestly remember was I hurt for failing to pay attention to what I was doing. I noticed that 90% of the time when I hurt myself I am fully engrossed in what I am doing, which I think helps me to ignore the world around me. That's why I took up doing models so they are step by step, one thing at a time, but after cutting myself three times under direct supervision, the last resulting in the stitches across the whole of my hand I was at a loss. I even took up pottery and painting, resulting in severe injuries which would take hours to explain, suffice to say I broke a finger doing pottery and I cut a deep gash in my forearm while painting.

What is left for me to do, the boredom and the depression is quite literally killing me.

[lilpoppa]

I have a few suggestions that may help you out a bit, the first one is let life happen. You may come to realize that no matter what you do certin things are going to happen. Listen to the song hold on loosely by 38 special, and pay close attention to the lyrics, the song makes a good point. And may I suggest photography as a hobby, its about as safe as a hobby can get. You don't have to go for the spectacular shots or awe inspiring locations. Just photograph the world you live in, look for the beauty in everyday life, and hopefully it will help you find some peace in your's.
Good luck my friend.

[Derragon]

Thank you for your answer and I have never tried photography and might one day. But right now it is hard for me to even consider doing anything else, I am mentally and socially withdrawn. I have lost most of my friends and family and there are fewer still that are willing to give me a chance. I feel lost and alone, I hate myself for the utterly stupid things I have been able to do, things beyond the bounds of just pure recklessness. It is hard, nearly impossible, for me to consider trying another thing. My counselor says it will pass and I will learn how to deal with it if I just keep trying new things, but my years of injuries and failures say otherwise. I just don't know what to do with myself, no one else seems to either.