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lost913 · Sep 6, 2011, 09:45 PM

I meet a man when I was 18 (he is 16 years older than I). He kind of took me out of a hard life and gave so much including a beautiful family (3 children). He is a wonderful man. Very grown up and even though he has is flaws I do love him. The big problem is he is married to another women with 4 children. The whole balance works well... his wife know about me but has accepted it. Honestly there is nothing bad about the situation. Everyone has a role and that's that. But my only desire in life is to be someone's wife and be the only one... I don't want to be second best. I recently felt I want to leave him and be alone. But an ex.. the ex aka my first love has come back into my life and I really feel I want to be with him but for my children stake I can't do it. I am not having an issue with my man being married or she is not having an issue with me... its all open and he's not cheating so please don't post if all you want to do is place judgement. I help run our business so I don't want to leave him and because I know the business won't serve. And that income is for all the children... and I love his children as my own. I feel so lost. This isn't the average I am in a relationship with a married man situation. He is my husband in every sense of the word other than we don't have a paper to say it. I even took on his last name. I just want to be with someone that only loves me. And that probably isn't possible because looking at myself I am not and never have cheated but my heart is with someone else. Just as bad. After 7 years I can not bring myself to end it for such selfish reasons. And I will not be that women that cheats. Please give me some advice and please try not to be brutal. Having a hard time with this and would greatly appricate some kind words of advice. Thanks you

JoeCanada76 · Sep 6, 2011, 11:24 PM

Since everything as you say is open relationship. You have somebody that has another women and children as well. Why not be honest and open to the man that your with about your feelings about how you want to be married to one man. That loves you only. I would say that is the only way to be, honest and up front. If he can have it both ways. Why can you not have it both ways, and be married to somebody else? The only thing is if you bring a boyfriend or new marriage to this situation are you willing to be open to them about the arrangement? Do you think they would be as accepting? You obviously are not completely happy or you would not be looking else where. You need to not just continue this because you want to make sure everyone else is taken care of. You have your own thoughts and wants and needs and you are thinking about exploring them. It might be really hard but you need to share this with the lives that your involved in. Then make some decisions on what is best for you.

Jake2008 · Sep 7, 2011, 02:59 AM

So you don't want to cheat on your boyfriend, who is married with four children. I realize you are struggling with this, but surely you realize that you are the other woman, and he was married when you met him, and it is still what it is no matter how long its gone on- an affair.

An affair that has produced three children, to add to the total this man has sired, to 7. As you knew from the beginning, he was married, and had (has) no intention of leaving his wife and the children he has produced with her, for you only. At best you get a married man some of the time, and as you said, you are forever delegated to being the mistress in this relationship.

Because his wife is okay with it, only makes it better for him. I would have booted his derrière out the moment I found out he was cheating. Why she remains married to a man who cheats is beyond me.

At some point your children will be old enough to realize that their father has another family, and four other children that remain his priority, because he remains a married to their mother. At some point your children will realize that the choices you made to bring them all into the world, resulted at best, with a part time father.

They deserve better. What do you think the best possible outcome is for them. And now there is another man in the picture. How does he fit into all of this. And you say you only want to be with someone who loves only you. But no matter what angle you look at this, you will never have your wish, as long as you stay with your boyfriend, and even with taking his last name, and pretending to be married to him. You aren't.

My advice to you is to end the relationship with this married man. Realize that three people in one relationship never works out, and clearly his priorities are with his wife and children. Not you and your children. If they were, he would have long ago divorced his wife.

And please, should you go that route, and introduce another man to your children, I hope you take some time for everybody to adjust slowly to a healthier lifestyle.

You are not the first woman to find herself in this position. Many have lived the best part of their adult lives waiting for their married lovers to leave their wives. At least you know he won't, and you can go from there. If you want something more, you're going to have to let him go first.

lost913 · Sep 7, 2011, 11:12 PM

Thank you for advice. I am not the other women and its kind of hard to explain our life in such a brief manner. I would say its more of a polygamy type situation but I do not like to place lables... it is what it is. The whole time I have been in this relationship, which is the only real relationship I have been in, I never doubted a single thing. I love this man and our children. Really felt I would be with him forever. I NEVER had expectations of him leaving his wife. I love the fact that he is an honest person and loved the whole honestly of it all... I can't stand to be lied to or cheated on. I don't ever want to or be someone that sneaks around. So this way I know I will never get hurt in that manner. So I have yet to do anything wrong... These are just my thoughts and I am looking to explore other possibilities. From what I heard a lot of marriages go through some type of issue in which they consider splitting up for some reason or another. Honestly I highly doubt I will leave... but we are just at a rough spot. My thoughts have probably changed since I first posted this... like I said I am struggling and am all over the place. This is kind of my way of venting and thinking out loud and getting some other peoples views. At this point I do have some kind of feelings towards the ex but as a soul mate kind of way... probably not. I guess I just seen him as an escape... a plan be if I may. I have had a very good life with my partner and our family. And I just need a change... running a business is hard work and I am kind of burnt out. I would like to change it up... since I had my children I have had a dream of being a midwife and I think Id like to pursue that and make it a reality. Its just hard because I have no real education... have had plenty of experience running a pretty successful business. So I think that is what I will focus on... that will make me happy... and I can put the other nonsense behind me. I feel that will bring great joy into my life. Anyway I really appreciate your time for hearing me out... Jesushelper76 a few of your words stood out to me and helped me come to this conclusion. And Jake... that is awesome advice for someone in a different situation. I am not the other women and my children are in no way treated or are less than the other children. Like I said before... this is a complex issue and not the average I am dating a married man type thing... If there was a women in that type of relationship then I would advice her to do what is best for her... But I am part of a great family I just was going through strange feelings. I felt lost but now I feel I have found the thing I was longing for... wasnt another man... that is just a cop out or the easy way out... and I am a strong enough person to fight through these feelings and make my commitment to heart... Once again thank you...

Jake2008 · Sep 8, 2011, 05:43 AM

It is hard for me to understand your situation. My response was within my own concept and understanding of relationships and marriage. When a third party is introduced by way of an affair, or by consent as it is in polygamist type arrangements, that is one thing. But, where children are produced as a result of this type of arrangement, I can't help but think, what is in the best interest of these children.

When you said:

But my only desire in life is to be someone's wife and be the only one... I don't want to be second best.

... I believed this to be brutally honest. Wanting to be someone's wife, and the only one, and not be second best, is not wishful thinking as you now imply. Nor is it in my opinion, a fantasy, or unrealistic.

It is not up to anyone to judge your living arrangements, but you. Unless of course this man is also 'married' to several women at the same time and has produced more children than he already has. In which case, we have laws to protect children living under these circumstances.

So how you decide to live is only your decision. You do have the freedom to choose a different life for yourself and your children. I think the old flame coming into the picture has opened up at least thinking about that possibility. But should you choose to remain where you are, then that choice is yours to make.

That you are entertaining the idea of defining what you want, as in your statement above, you may falter back and forth about it for some time. But, it may eventually lead you to take action to change, and if that ever happens, I do hope that you come back again. There are many here who can offer good advice on how to make changes possible.

Best of luck to you.