[stuckrighthere]

Hello everyone. I have a major situation Im in and could use all the advice I can get. I'll try to be as brief as possible, so I won't get too detailed, but if you have a question about it, feel free to ask.
So I'll get started. I met someone a year ago, I moved in with her. She is 45, I am 40. She has 3 sons, ages 20, 17 and 15. I have four kids who do not live with me, ages 13, 9, 7 and 3.
We were very much in love and wanted the same things. She had complained about her kids often in the beginning and I noticed how wildly they behaved. She wanted me to be involved as the male figure in helping set better standards and structure for them. So we did. It was difficult at first simply because they didn't like being told to behave or follow rules. But as some time went by, they seemed to be adapting, and things seemed to be going in a good direction.
But after a while, I noticed how she was letting them slip on the rules we agreed to put into place, mostly to appease them. I told her it wasn't a good idea, but she would simply tell me to lighten up. So therefore they started to revert back to they way they were and worse. I even noticed how the younger two started to pick up on her eldest sons bad behavior and lazy, disrespectful attitude. So, with her and I not on the same page anymore, I just gave up on the whole idea, mostly to save from arguing about it, and let her deal with them however she wanted to. So now, Im always the bad guy, because I just can't adapt to that sort of thing. I basically keep to myself and try not to be involved with any of it.
She has been increasingly ignorant and belittling to me, especially around her kids. When we are alone, sometimes she is nice, mostly when it's just convenient to her if you know what I mean. I try not to argue back, otherwise the police are usually called. They've been here so many times, they just shake their heads. They wonder why I stay. I've tried to go many times. She takes me back to where Im from, but before we get there, she does a lot of crying, we talk, and again try to make things work. But it never does. It's not long before things are back to where they were again, but worse each time. She treats me a little worse. It's like Im just a piece of dirt under her feet. I still care about her, but don't nearly love her as much as I did.
Well, I know we should just separate for good. It's gotten so much worse. She's hardly ever in a good mood with me no matter how much I try. And I don't like living under her roof under those conditions. It's like walking on egg shells all the time. But the only problem is now I can't just move out. I've burned my bridges with friends, and I simply can't afford to live on my own right now. And the little bit I do make all goes into this house. So how can I? What can I do to make things a little easier for myself around here?At least till the time comes when I can once again afford to be on my own. I just don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions? Thanks for your time.

[odinn7]

Wow... it does sound like a mess and I feel for you. I understand what you're going through. Sadly, I can't offer you too much here other than my support... for you to know that others have been there.

I do have a suggestion. Well, you do already realize you need to get out of this so we can skip that. The problem you face is being able to get out... All I can suggest is that you maybe look for rooms to rent or houses to share. If you check around, you can often find these places and the cost of living there is fairly cheap compared to getting your own place.

Good luck to you.

[vanheart]

"She takes me back to where Im from, but before we get there"

That comment is SO KEY.

Was it that you jumped into this?
Didn't really get to know her & all that she comes with before getting into seriousness?

Suss things out a bit?

Sounds to me that she doesn't want to communicate. While you are stressing mostly about her kids.

"Im always the bad guy"
"belittling to me, especially around her kids"
"I try not to argue back, otherwise the police are usually called"
"It's gotten so much worse. She's hardly ever in a good mood with me no matter how much I try."

Sounds like you should leave.
This is hell.

"I simply can't afford to live on my own right now"

Is that the reason to stay in hell? Or why you got w/her?

Are you still a dad to your kids?

[stuckrighthere]

Thank you Odinn7, I appreciate the support.
Vanheart, I don't understand the first comment being SO KEY?
Yes, we did jump a little too fast into it.
At the time we got together, I could afford to be on my own. Since we've been together, I was laid off, and the little bit of unemployment compensation I get isn't much.
As far as my children, yes Im still there dad. But I don't get them as often because I never know how she will be and I don't want them to spend their time with me in this house around that.
Yes it is hell living like this.

[vanheart]

Sorry, stuck.

Had that one out of context. Sort of.

The point is you are in an environment for all of the wrong reasons.
This isn't happy, mutual or fulfilling.

So why?

You will never fix her or her kids. She doesn't show you respect & honestly. Neither one of you sound like you are ready for another relationship. Let alone, with each other.

Get out now. Doesn't sound like thing will change here. How much more time can you invest in being unhappy?
Time is precious.

Like you said:
"Yes it is hell living like this."

[stuckrighthere]

Yes Vanheart, but the problem is, I have no where to go. I can't live on the street.

[vanheart]

When Im down & in the crap, stressing about whatever, my good friend always says:
"When things arent working for you, make a change" "Stop doing the same thing".

The best advice.


"It's like Im just a piece of dirt under her feet."
Who needs that?

[stuckrighthere]

I know Vanheart, but I don't have much of a choice right now. Just trying to figure out what I might be able to do to alleviate some of the stress in the mean time

[vanheart]

Ok, then.

First thing is to make a plan to split & how.

Be loving & civil in the meantime. Don't sacrifice you, in the meantime.

Tell her as soon as you have another place and are ready.

Then move on. Don't be her pal after.

Good luck.

[stuckrighthere]

I do have a plan. When I can start making more money again, Im going to save as much back as possible without her knowing. Being her pal afterward is definitely out of the question.
But being loving and civil, I try that all the time. Doesn't work.
Thanks

[odinn7]

Stay strong, stay positive. You will do it when the time is right.

Take care.

[vanheart]

I lost my job 2 years ago. My GF right after that.

Where there's a will, there's a way.

Got to have the will first.

All I know is that I would rather be homeless, then be treated like **** everyday.

Do you have any family or good friends? Nows the time to call on them.
Couch surf?

[stuckrighthere]

I had one good friend left, but I burned my bridge with her the last time I was going to leave. As far as family, no.
Homeless really isn't an option for me right now. I was recently diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. The insulin I take has to be kept refrigerated at all times. Also, need to have an address for my current medical assistance.
I guess Im just stuck in hell for now.

[talaniman]

Swallow your pride, and rebuild that bridge, and leave. Be humble show some humility, or be humiliated.

All being humble takes is honesty.

[stuckrighthere]

Can't, tried that. That friend wants nothing to do with me anymore

[vanheart]

Well, stuck is the right name then.

What do you think you should do?

Wait around? The clock's ticking.

Maybe a dose of self-respect is in order.

Who's running your life?

[stuckrighthere]

Well how do I get my self-respect back while living here

[vanheart]

Like I said, spend all of your time making a plan to get out.
You got into this, after all. No one twisted your wrist.

The self-respect thing is up to you. Long overdue. Read "The Prophet"

I suggest some local professional counseling. Check it out. Find a good one.

Im just a hack.

[vanheart]

BTW,

I have 2 friends with Type 1.

One from drug use, the other from a bad transfusion in surgery. A few years back.

Go figure. I later worked w/Johnson & Johnson promoting some of their OneTouch stuff. Weird.

My point is that my friends are just fine. Have overcome & dealing.

Like I said, where there is will...



Let will be your roof.

[stuckrighthere]

Easier said than done, but thanks anyway Vanheart