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tazgirl · Feb 14, 2007, 01:19 PM

I need help I can't love my middle son, I have tried but all I see is the pain that his father put me through, he was born at 26 weeks and has had lots of medical problems, he is now 8 nearly nine, but no matter how hard I try I can not love him he has query ADHD his behaviour is very bad I can't cope with him anymore, please does anyone know anything that I can try ?

crystalbivens · Feb 14, 2007, 01:50 PM

This is a hard concept to believe and to doubt the love you have for your own son that you created, regardless of what his father put you through that should make you love him so much more.
I hope that for the future of your son and his mental status you learn to accept him for who he is and where he came from and look past all the hate and see a wonderful little boy probely dying from wanting attention and affection from his mother.
The gift of a child is very precious and should be treated as so.
This little boy has done nothing to make you have these thoughts.
If you don't think you love him imagine what life would be like if you lost him.
Parents lose children everyday from health issues and accidents be grateful that you have a son because there are many people out there who wish every night to have the love of a child but cant.

crystalbivens · Feb 14, 2007, 02:08 PM

Its not being to harsh I have two children myself one having ADHD and I don't love him anyless then I do my other child.
If she has these negative feelings her son will sense them and it can lower his self esteem and he will always think he's never going to be good enough for her which can cause other problems.

Bluerose · Feb 14, 2007, 02:10 PM

tazgirl,

Is your son on medication?

I personally am not in favour of medication kids for behaviour problems.

I take it you are no longer with his father?

I have a young grandson living with me because his mother hurt him when he was very young. She and my son divorced, and she couldn't take care of the baby properly and refused help from anyone. My son got custody and asked me to take care of the boy. I only tell you this so that you know that I have had experience with a mother's failure to find love for her child.

How do you feel about your other children? What are their ages and do they have the same father? Answer only what you are comfortable with. I am just trying to build up a picture of your situation. I would like to try to help. So if you are comfortable about giving me some more information, please do so.

Bluerose · Feb 14, 2007, 02:14 PM

crystalbivens,

Perhaps, but it is a very sensitive subject and needs to be handled carefully. Don't you think? I'm sorry, but your post did sound like a lecture.

crystalbivens · Feb 14, 2007, 02:19 PM

I am not lecturing her I am not a doctor or GOD so I have no say so in the matter I just think she should know how lucky she is that she has been giving this angel.
I understand how hard it can be handling ADHD but its something you have to look past ifs she's blaming it on his father then its not his fault .
She needs to get some counseling to figure out the real reason and understand that at his age he could be scared forever by this. Especially if she's favoring the other two kids more then him.

JoeCanada76 · Feb 14, 2007, 02:19 PM

Bluerose,

I read crystalbivens, I would have said the same thing. It is not harsh at all but right on the money. No lecture, just the truth. This poster needs a reality check. Not to love a child because of the father is a series problem. Love should be unconditional to a child. If you do not have that, then this person is not being much of a parent as far as I am concerned.

Joe

robynhgl · Feb 14, 2007, 05:34 PM

Wow! The question?/statement made by tazgirl is harsh --if anything is. I cannot fathom having such feelings for one of my kids. Especially based upon my feeling about their father.

So the kid is ADHD--guess what? That's not some rare incurable disease. It's a chemical imbalance that the majority of kids outgrow. Yes, some kids need medication to settle them down enough to be able to maintain their concentration and do their school work. My son is one of those kids. He's definitely a handful at times, I never give him his pill on weekends or holidays, it's okay for him to be less focused and to burn off the energy his own way. And there are times he's so hyper that I think I should be the one taking the meds! LOL! But to blame him---or his father for MY lack of feeling for him? No Way!

The kid is almost 9. How long have you 'felt' this way toward him? Do you not believe that it's possible that you treat him differently and he acts out more because of it? Kids aren't stupid--they are much more perceptive than they get credit for being. I'm sure that your ill will towards his father is probably well known by the child too. Which would only add to his behavior.

Grow up! Get some counseling. Quit blaming the kid. Ultimately, you are the one who helps to 'shape' him into what he will become as a young man, as an adult and as a parent. Do you want him to feel that way towards one or all of his children?

talaniman · Feb 14, 2007, 05:42 PM

No doubt a professional is needed to counsel you, and your son is in need of help also.

Bluerose · Feb 14, 2007, 06:06 PM

There are parents who fail to bond with their children. There are parents who struggle to love difficult children. That mother needs help with her problem not blamed for it.

robynhgl · Feb 14, 2007, 06:19 PM

Originally Posted by bluerose

There are parents who fail to bond with their children. Their are parents who struggle to love difficult children. That mother needs help with her problem not blamed for it.

Yet the 'parent' is blaming the child for her lack of love...

Please, the biggest problem that we, as a society, have is that no one takes responsibility for their own actions and behaviors anymore. There's always some 'excuse' as to why we do the wrong things that we do. You CAN tell someone that they are WRONG and still let them know that you do care, that you will help them and that you can be supportive---IF they are willing to aknowledge what they are doing and TRY to make it RIGHT.

Unless that 9 year old is out skinning the neighbors' cats, burning stuff in the neighborhood or beating up other children... she's using her own 'problems' as an excuse to push away her child--and apparently she doesn't do it to the other children. She made the decision to sleep with someone--someone whom she dislikes enough to take out her bad feelings on the child that resulted in that decision. A child who did not ask to be brought into the picture--an innocent. Yet she needs my pity--afraid not--the child deserves and gets it. I sincerely hope the woman gets help--I hope that her child gets the love he deserves (and requires).

shygrneyzs · Feb 14, 2007, 06:30 PM

You asked what to do? My youngest son was also not loved by his biological Mother (and Father). He was born with Down's Syndrome and his Mom could not accept him at all. She blamed him for her health, for the rocky marriage, for the ______ _____ _____ (fill in the blanks and you got a hint of what was going on). He developed severe behavior problems, which to this day, is a daily part of our life. She later had two "absolutely perfect" children (her words, not mine) and that intensified her dislike of her first born. Instead of seeking outside help, his parents chose to try and deal with him. By the time the state stepped in and removed him, all the damage was done.

Now there is nothing wrong in getting outside intervention - medically, educationally, emotionally -mnot just for your son but also for you and your other children. In fact there is something wrong if you do not seek some help. There are special schools - I used to work in one - where children live there full time. All the components are right there - medical, therapy, education, and residential. Children with ADHD, Fetal Alcohol Syndrome, Down's Syndrome, physical disabilities, and other MR and behaviors. There is nothing bad about looking at that option.

Your son surely knows how you feel - he can sense it, he can feel it and he hears it. Either you get him the appropriate care in the appropriate setting or get prepared for a very long haul until he is at least 18, most likely until he is 21.

If you have not looked at resources please check out:

SchwabLearning.org - A Parent's Guide to Helping Kids With Learning Difficulties

NCLD - Home

www.pathfinder.minot.org

Does you son have an IEP? He should have as he does qualify. What assessments has the school performed? You have the right to ask for a behavior consultant. There should be a Protection and Advocacy Project in your state. An advocate can apprise you of your rights as parent for your son. They can also help you access resources.

You do need to know you are not alone by any means. Have you accessed a casemanger through your Human Services Center - usually it is a developmental disabilities professional. The web of services out there is profoundly intricate and you need some guidance. You also could stand some respite care too I would imagine.

But pull yourself together - your son is not guilty of any wrongdoing. To blame an innocent for what you cannot come to grips to - I cannot print the words. You need help and I sincerely hope you start to access the services out there. Education is the most powerful tool a parent can have, when their child has a disability. You learn to become your child's best advocate and you learn to know what is your right, what is his right, and how to get it.

There are support groups out there - some online and some through a church or non profit health services foundation. Hope you check it out.

talaniman · Feb 15, 2007, 05:16 AM

I think it somewhat unfair to blame people who have been through trauma or have mental or emotional problems that is beyond their own grasp and are helpless to deal with them. The OP's call for help took courage and if she didn't care could have stayed away, but chose to ask for help. That's shows hope and courage because at least she recognises a problem and wants to solve it just doesn't know how. I hope she finds a good professional for herself and her child.

Bluerose · Feb 15, 2007, 01:54 PM

robynhgl,

"Yet the 'parent' is blaming the child for her lack of love...."

"i need help i can't love my middle son, i have tried but all i see is the pain that his father put me through, he was born at 26 weeks and has had lots of medical problems, he is now 8 nearly nine, but no matter how hard i try i can not love him he has query ADHD his behaviour is very bad i can't cope with him anymore, please does anyone know anything that i can try ?"

She didn't say she blames him. She was giving an explanation as to why she thought she felt she didn't love him.

Anyway, doesn't look like she is coming back. I'm done here.

robynhgl · Feb 15, 2007, 02:36 PM

Originally Posted by bluerose

"i need help i can't love my middle son, i have tried but all i see is the pain that his father put me through, he was born at 26 weeks and has had lots of medical problems, he is now 8 nearly nine, but no matter how hard i try i can not love him he has query ADHD his behaviour is very bad i can't cope with him anymore, please does anyone know anything that i can try ?"

She didn't say she blames him. She was giving an explanation as to why she thought she felt she didn't love him.

If this isn't placing blame I'm not quite sure what would be. Time for a reality check. While I'm sure you mean well-you are allowing this woman to wallow in her own self-pity over her horrible circumstances.

Yes--she definitely NEEDS help. While I'm quite certain that all this anguish is hurting her--the kid is the one paying the price. He's the one who is being denied the love--not Mama.

I'm not going to apologize for being what some of you may think is 'harsh'--I speak my mind and if you don't like it--that's your problem--not mine. I'm glad the woman realizes that she's doing something wrong and asked for advice--but 'coddling' her and telling her it's okay--is NOT helping her or that child. You are enabling her to continue this behavior by telling her it's okay--she had a bad relationship-her life wasn't perfect--whatever... Life ain't always perfect--but we can't use our own difficulties with it as an excuse to hurt others. Especially others that are helpless. Children look to their parents and the adults around them to be protected. It's not as if the kid can just pack his bags and leave... it's not up to him to make his life better--he's essentially powerless to do that. Mommy, on the other hand, weilds ALL of the power... she needs to put aside her own problems and figure out a way to become a better parent.

If she sincerely wants to do what's right, she will came back and face the harsh reality that she has a problem--all the cyber-hugs in the world aren't going to cure her. It's up to her to acknowledge her problems and to get help. If she does that--I'd be her biggest ally--she'd be a real hero--to both her son and to everyone else who may feel this way. If she continues on with the way she's going--she doesn't care enough about herself or her child.

If you find this post offensive--so be it.

robynhgl · Feb 15, 2007, 03:03 PM

talaniman--
How do you know what I know or have experienced regarding 'mental health'? You are the one with no clue.

As for the 'cruelty'--the truth is not cruel--it's reality. What would be cruel is to allow a person to keep going on in a direction that is harmful to themself--and/or to others.

talaniman · Feb 15, 2007, 04:18 PM

Yeah, beat em' all the way to help. Your version of the truth is cruel and I doubt a professional would use a bat do you?

JoeCanada76 · Feb 15, 2007, 04:43 PM

Originally Posted by robynhgl

If this isn't placing blame I'm not quite sure what would be. Time for a reality check. While I'm sure you mean well-you are allowing this woman to wallow in her own self-pity over her horrible circumstances.

Yes--she definitely NEEDS help. While I'm quite certain that all this anguish is hurting her--the kid is the one paying the price. He's the one who is being denied the love--not Mama.

I'm not going to apologize for being what some of you may think is 'harsh'--I speak my mind and if you don't like it--that's your problem--not mine. I'm glad the woman realizes that she's doing something wrong and asked for advice--but 'coddling' her and telling her it's okay--is NOT helping her or that child. You are enabling her to continue this behavior by telling her it's okay--she had a bad relationship-her life wasn't perfect--whatever.... Life ain't always perfect--but we can't use our own difficulties with it as an excuse to hurt others. Especially others that are helpless. Children look to their parents and the adults around them to be protected. It's not as if the kid can just pack his bags and leave...it's not up to him to make his life better--he's essentially powerless to do that. Mommy, on the other hand, weilds ALL of the power...she needs to put aside her own problems and figure out a way to become a better parent.

If she sincerely wants to do what's right, she will came back and face the harsh reality that she has a problem--all the cyber-hugs in the world aren't going to cure her. It's up to her to acknowledge her problems and to get help. If she does that--I'd be her biggest ally--she'd be a real hero--to both her son and to everyone else who may feel this way. If she continues on with the way she's going--she doesn't care enough about herself or her child.

If you find this post offensive--so be it.

Sorry tal, but on this one I agree with Robyn and feel the same way.

robynhgl · Feb 15, 2007, 04:48 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Yeah, beat em' all the way to help. Your version of the truth is cruel and I doubt a professional would use a bat do you?

Your take on my version of the truth is your opinion. I doubt a Professional would allow a person to ignore the truth... unless of course that $125 to $200 per hour is more appealing than actually getting a person to face their problems so that they can overcome them. Nobody can go back and change the past--it's impossible. What they can do is learn to get beyond it and become the person that they are capable of being. There is not a person in this world that has not made mistakes, has not been hurt in some way shape or form; what we CHOOSE to take from those experiences is up to each of us individually. We can either use them as a crutch or we can understand that we are made up of all our experiences and those experiences, even though negative, can be used in positive ways.

Taz has been back here. She has read these posts. She alone can determine what information 'fits' for her. She asked for advice, I'm guessing that a person who is sincere in their question is asking for honesty. I have given her my honesty. You don't have to agree, you don't have to disagree. This isn't about ME. It's not about YOU. It's about answering a question. You have your way of doing things, I have my way.

Synnen · Feb 15, 2007, 05:21 PM

Taz,

See a counselor, honey. I'm guessing that there was a lot more going on than a breakup between you and the child's father.

You say you've tried to love the child and can't. No one can MAKE you love someone else, including your own child. You need to make sure, though, that the child NEVER knows that you don't love him. Even if you don't love him, you need to ACT like you love him. Anything else is completely unfair to ALL of your children, and will onlyhurt them (and you!) in the long run.

Talk to your doctor about this. He/she can recommend a professional that will help you to deal with your anger with the child's father, so that you are no longer transferring that to the child.

I'll pray for you, but only YOU can help you.