[confused_guy]

I don't know if I'm able to have a "normal" relationship.

A few years back I met a girl overseas. Things were intense (I used to think it was because we were short on time, now I think it is my intense personality) and she ended up coming out to the United States with me for a couple of months. I then went back to her home country and we stayed together for almost two years.

We were going to move back to the U.S. to marry, but personal family issues cropped up for me and I began taking them out on her. A week before I was supposed to fly back out to be with her (our plans in America changed) she called me and asked me to delay my ticket. I had sold practically everything to be with her and didn't have a job, a house... anything.

She wanted a couple of weeks apart to think about things. I ended up flying out anyway and staying with a friend. She broke up with me on Valentine's Day, 2005. She then proceeded to do practically everything I was ever afraid of. And she went back on everything she promised.


So I spent the next year or so trying to re-assemble my life. I went back to work, regained a lot of the things I had lost, and got myself back into school. I dated a few girls (and had sex with a bunch of other ones), but I never seemed to find myself giving a damn about any of them. Very guarded, very skeptical.

When school started last Fall I dated a couple of them but nothing panned out and I started to feel kind of lonely. I missed the closeness of a relationship, and then I met my "new" girlfriend.

It was amazing. It happened smoothly, easily, and she saw through my façade of not caring. She had (and still has) a habit of sometimes giving me puzzled looks and telling me that she doesn't understand me. How I can be the sweetest guy she has ever dated and simultaneously be so bitter and disconnected.

Eventually, she broke me. She asked me if I was never going to take a chance on someone again and stated clearly that she is not my ex-gf. She had a lot of problems at home with her family (which I was initially unaware of) and was kicked out of the house. I had her come stay with me and the relationship began growing even faster. Then she did a couple of things that kind of minorly betrayed my trust. Old feelings began welling up inside me from my last relationship, and we started to fight.

It was a combination of a lot of things. Work, school, family, a new relationship... everything. But I found her a small apartment and she was happy to move in. Still, I found it odd that she avoided her family as much as she did and tried to encourage her to deal with their problems before they grew even bigger.

Anyhow, in a very short amount of time we have had a lot of ups and downs. Most of the down times stem from her seeming inability to deal with problems. She also has a habit of "dropping bombshells" on me, like telling me at the last second about a pretty big life decision. In the most recent case, she has decided to move back home.

I voiced my concern because her parents have basically abandoned her. Her mother said she's cutting her off from health insurance, her dad refused to fix her car when she had trouble (even though he owns a dealership), etc. They also have a problem because there is about 6.5 years between us (I just turned 26, she will be 20 in a few months). However, they have never really met me and are passing judgment based on the age difference alone (her and I were never really aware of it when we first started speaking... I thought she was like 22 and she thought I was 20 or 21!)

Anyhow, the other day she came to me and said she is moving home. This is after we sat down on the weekend and drew up a budget for her so she could try to make ends meet. I said "don't you think it would be a good idea to keep the apartment for one more month, just in case the hits the fan again?"

At the end of her rope (she's been there a lot lately), she basically threw her hands up and said the hell with it. "I don't know what's worse, dealing with being broke or dealing with my mom being so y," she said.

So I stepped up. I said I would pay the rent myself just so she has a safety net. She didn't know what to say. "Why would you do that?" "Because I care about you, that's what people do when they care about each other..."

"My parents won't do that for me. They lock the door when I'm late and won't let me in."

I didn't really know what to say. But I tried to play the nice boyfriend, and it seemed to work well.

So the next night she calls me and is crying. I am writing her a Valentine's poem at the time and she tells me that her parents put her dog down a week and a half ago and never told her. He had cancer. I said I was sorry and would see her ASAP. Finished my poem, went to her apartment, and she was feeling a little better. Showered, etc.

We ate dinner, and I voiced my concern that her parents may not want her to see me if she moves home. She said she doesn't even want to think about that and hopes that they will like me if/when they meet me. So I dropped it. That's a big thing for me because I have a tendency to drag out conversations and try to "solve" everything. We ended up sleeping together, and it was great. Then she told me she loved me for the first time. I told her that I could see it in her eyes for a while but wondered why she didn't say it before. She said she was scared.

So she stayed down to her mom and dad's that night because of the big snowstorm and called me that evening. She said she wanted me to help her move some stuff over the weekend because her folks were going down south. Said she wanted to watch some movies with me and whatnot, and I asked if she is going to try staying at home for a while. She said she'd like to test the waters. Said she loved me and goodbye.

So then last night she calls me and sounds all depressed (I didn't hear from her all day which was weird). Says she had a bad day, took a couple of naps, kept thinking about the dog. She then brings up having a chiropractor appointment for the next day, which was weird to me. A month or two back we watched a show about how chiropractors can do as much damage as they can help so she said she wasn't going anymore. When I questioned her as to why (BTW: her chiropractor has a thing for her and has basically hit on her a couple times too... the jealous part of me HATES that) she was going she said she just wanted a massage and the only way to get it is to get the adjustment first.

Then she said she was going to get off the phone because she didn't want to fight. I stopped her and said I didn't want to fight either and she said "it seems like that's all we do." I replied that we've been doing a lot better about that lately because we've changed some of our habits (like how I dealt with her about her folks the night before). So we chatted and said our goodbyes (though hers was unusually cold).

A half hour later I get a text message from her saying, "we need to take a break".

?

I called her immediately, of course. And she basically said that she feels smothered by everything in her life lately, me included. And I make her feel guilty about things too much. She said the chiropractor thing pretty much set her off, but it honestly wasn't even a real spat or argument. She said it's smothering to be questioned about "everything she does". Said she wants a couple of days off to think about things.

I asked her what taking a break meant to her... dating other people, breaking up, what? She said she didn't want to see other people but wasn't sure if she wants to continue the relationship or not. Needs time to think.

I said I wish we were together so we could talk in person and she said she was glad we weren't because she'd probably end up feeling guilty and telling me what I want to hear. I asked if she said she loved me the night before because she was telling me what she thought I wanted to hear and she said no. I asked if she still feels like she loves me and she said that isn't a fair question right now but kind of confirmed that she still felt that way too...



Anyhow, sorry for the long post. Every fiber of my being wants to call her, especially where she is going through so much in her life right now. I want to be like a rock for her, the one consistent thing, but sometimes my questioning and jealousy are a problem. Especially in rocky times for her like these. I'm not perfect, but I do everything I can to make her feel appreciated and wanted. Most of the time I feel that she is that way with me too, but last night was just weird.

My biggest concern is, this isn't the first time we've had a fight. It isn't even the first time she requested a break (the last one lasted for about 12 or 14 hours). But it's the first time she has been like this with no big ugly reason. We didn't have a huge spat or anything. She simply seemed cold. I want to save the relationship, and I want to be a part of each other's lives. That goes without saying I guess. I don't know what my best course of action is. She runs from her problems by nature (she has been away from her parents for almost two months), and I wonder how long she'll run from dealing with me.

I talked to my mother and she said that she can't see her breaking up with me right now. We were just down to mom's house of the weekend and she said she sees the way my girlfriend looks at me and the way her voice sounds when she talks to me. I asked her what she thought my girlfriend thinks... she said she thinks she really loves me.

By the way, this "break" was requested on Valentine's Day. Two years to the day my ex-gf broke up with me.

[confused_guy]

So I realize I just wrote a short novel. To summarize:

1. My current girlfriend reminds me a lot of my ex.

2. My former girlfriend broke up with me on Valentine's Day and my current one requested "a break" last night.

3. My girlfriend is under a ton of stress in her entire life... her job, her family, money, school, etc.

4. I sometimes add to that stress by questioning her decisions and causing arguments about "petty" things.

5. She requested a break once before and contacted me that same night in an apologetic manner, but we had had a big fight.

6. She told me she loved me for the very first time 2 nights ago. We had a great night.

7. She requested a couple of days off last night without us really having a big fight. She was very depressed about the death of her dog though, as well as everything else. We ALMOST got into an argument though, and that was enough to set her off.

[valinors_sorrow]

For starters no relationship with any female is ever normal. Get used to that and things will go a lot easier on you. LOL

Secondly, I know its like you have Valentine's Day bad karma but the more you make a "thing" out of that, the bigger that thing becomes. Maybe your next girlfriend will understand that you just want to skip that day.

Lastly, the ages of both your girlfriends suggests a kind of immaturity that results in the craziness you are describing. And you fall right in there with them pursuing a girl who by your own description "runs from her problems by nature".

The key to any relationship's stability is honest communication but in order to do that, one must known themselves well first. And to know yourself takes time to mature. I don't exactly know what the question was that you meant to ask here.. but I would like to offer some semblence of hope by telling you this --maturity often occurs to people simply with the passage of time (not always but often) and so much of what I see happening here will be outgrown. And should this current girlfriend not work out, seek older or mature women would be my suggestion.

Editted in after I saw Post #2 - And yes, you did write a lot when the condensed version is better.

[confused_guy]

My other girlfriend was only about 8 months younger than me. She was also a runner though. I never knew this when we first started dating. Some of the similarities in their upbringing and things that happened to them as adults are pretty shocking though... especially considering they come from two different continents. Hell, their b-days are only 3 days apart (well, 3 days and a few years).

If anything, I probably "over communicate". (As evidenced by my initial post.)


I guess my question was, if I give her the space that she has asked for does it sound like she might give me another chance? She literally told me she loved me for the first time the night before... then goes totally cold the next day after only the beginnings of a spat.