[rol]

Hi nohither,
I think you should get back to no contact now again,
You made the attempt to contact her, so it is up to her to contact you back now if she is interested.. (even for friendship... but is that what you want?)

[Nohitter410]

To be honest not really sure... She is only 21 and I am 23 and I am not stupid I understand that the odds are against us. It is not like I can't meet other girls but she was very special to me in more than just the physical aspect.

The problem I go back and forth on is I know now isn't our time and I am doing great at no contact. Was not pushy whatsoever. I just want her to live her life and enjoy being in school and let her mature and figure out what she wants. I guess at some point if these feelings do persist I will have to let her know but just know if it would work it wouldn't be for at least a year down the road.

And I want to make sure I am not planning things and hindering my growth from moving on. There are many great women out there and many things to do and I have been experiencing everything life has to offer without doing anything at the expense of her. Long answer to you rol just wanted to give you more perspective. To be honest I would rather have her as a friend then not at all but I don't think either would work right now but slight communication wouldn't hurt just to keep us updated. So yes I will go back to NO CONTACT again. It was the first contact we had on the phone since her birthday on Dec 23

[talaniman]

Maybe it's the weather, but a lot of the break-up people have been going through this "want to talk to the ex" thing. I've been on almost all your posts since you got here, and you should be pleased at your own progress. I hope your serious about going back to NO CONTACT since this entire post reeks of some kind of old hope, and I don't think it fair to mess up your healing or hers with a false hope since you still aren't ready according to you. Please for both your sakes stay on the path. You may feel stronger but stay with what got you this far.

[Nohitter410]

Yeah I agree tal. Even reading my old posts I know I am better now but not because of being without her but being happier with my life and everything around it. Being single has afforded me the ability to spend more time with my family, get to know my sister on a personal level instead of trying to kill anyone that tried to talk to her. Now I am there for her and can truly look from the outside. My friends are great and I am so happy to be able to do what I want. There are still some unresolved issues with myself that need to be handled. Like figuring out what I want to do with my life. And many of these things I could have done and had a relationship I just didn't understand how to balance everything but stepping back helps everything

As for her, I do still have some false hope but definitely not holding me back. I try to live each day with a purpose and an understanding that I may not get these days back and settling down I am no interest for. I am out there having fun and if I meet someone special I won't look back no matter how good I feel about my ex. So you know what even listening to these words no matter if she still cares about me or not NO CONTACT! Has to happen no matter what. She still might contact me but at least go at it until May because that will be enough time removed.

But I do agree with you, when people say believe in fate because if it meant to be it is meant to be doesn't mean sit around and wait for her it means move on and experience life and if situations arise where we are drawn back together then so be it but don't force anything.

[rol]

Hi nohither,
Well if you want to be kind of friends then why not, but I would wait for her to contact you next... to see if she also wants to stay friends.
As tal says for now stay on the healing path.

[JDOP]

Nohitter, you are trying to tell us that you are over her. That you don't want her back...
I might be wrong, but -based on the things you said- it sounds to me that you're not over her at all. If you would be over her, then you wouldn't even feel the need to "reach out". You certainly would not be on this side asking questions like "what do I do next, contact her, or let her contact me?" If I was you I would go back to a clean no contact, and wait it out for a few more months. Do not worry if you still have feelings for her, it is natural. Just be patient, and you will get over it, completely

[valinors_sorrow]

I think there is a kind of active caring for an ex that can be inappropriate. Its not anyone's responsibility or privilege to continue to openly care for an ex. That ends when the relationship ends. Of course you may continue to have caring feelings for an ex but those feelings are best kept to yourself so that there is room for someone else to come along and actively care like that. Those who can pull this kind of post relationship caring off usually have children (that's the motive) and even then is very rare in the world.

Trying to turn a romance back into a friendship is painful for someone. So why do it? Just so that someone may continue to express their caring feelings? There was lots of time to do that before it ended. Some kindness is not kind and this would be one of them for me. The man who says to me, "honey I have to break up with you but I still care about you" will hear me say, "that's nice, and I have also cared for you too" just before I walk away and find people who's words match their actions more closely -- not angry, not bitter, just mindful that is what needs to happen.

Besides most of that "caring" usually turns out to be a thinly disguised desire to get someone back and in that case, its not to be trusted at all. It's a manipulation.

There's my two cents worth about the topic in general. Only you can determine how much of this applies (or not) to your situation, Nohitter. Its offered as hopefully helpful food for thought.

[rol]

Perfectly put Val!! Wow exactly what I was feeling for some time!

[Nohitter410]

You certainly would not be on this side asking questions like "what do I do next, contact her, or let her contact me?

--I do agree I am still not over her and that is very hard to deal with, because I have always found it very easy to move on from women and have no feelings involved because of the care free attitude I possess. This girl was different and no matter how much fun I have I can't seem to get her out of my head. I understand that moving on completely is what needs to happen and I am doing everything in my power to make that happen. The problem I have is long distance and timing were the only real problems we had and this was a mutual breakup. I just couldn't see myself holding her back in school and life and for me in a new job and a new area I had initial trouble adjusting because I was holding on to something back home.

But I do agree it is inappropriate to have that caring feeling for someone but when you sit by her side at a hospital bed while a lump gets removed from her breast with her grandma and mom and become very close it is only natural to have those feelings. My personality will make it hard for me to ever lose her out of my life in any capacity and she would be the same way. Timing and location ruined us and as much as people would say that if you truly loved each other you would find a way and I do agree to an extent but my feeling was I would rather end it now while we don't hate each other then stick it out or get back together after a short break to end up breaking up yet again.

So no contact is what I am going to do, but I feel every situation is different and you can't just say completely move on or never talk to her or communicate with her because there was no abuse, no cheating, true love and care for one another. But yes no contact has been put to work I mean since the breakup in October we have talked at least from reaching out from my end 4 times. There was no begging just an understanding on my part that when she tells me she cries on the phone every time she talks to me and can't translates the feelings and set them aside(same for me without the crying) that it was best to let her be even with her attempts to contact me.

So I sit here happy with my life, happy with everything and I truly do mean it. I lost 15 lbs, I feel great about everything.

[Nohitter410]

I guess one question would be and please look at it honestly, there comes a point where I have to be a man and let her know that I am feeling this way. She attempted to reach out and I kept on cutting her off and saying this is for the best and let's not talk.

She would say she missed me and all this and that. Lets say I keep on doing no contact and these feelings don't go away, when is it right to tell her that I miss her if they are still there. I am not lying like others sometimes, I don't I'm her, call her, text her or email her. I gave it time and when we talked the other day it flowed well we were laughing and joking and honestly I had no desire to tell her my feelings or anything because there not completely there. I am just wondering if they are still there months down the road or even a year, when is it time to say something, because at some point I can't just keep it inside. I would rather her reject an attempt a while down the road if the feelings persist so I can never even rekindle them again. I have women and will still get women and hopefully get myself in a fulfilling relationship, I just enjoy being single but at some point I can't sit back and not say anything if after a year the feelings are there.

[rol]

Well you made the last attempt to reach out to her so she knows now that she can reach out to you if she wishes.. she knows where you are.

So leave it at that.

Time will make things clearer , right now it's a bit blurry,
Wait until you get to the anger stage and you will know what I am talking about.

[Nohitter410]

I mean she is in another relationship right now and I am not angry at all actually happy for her.

[talaniman]

Time to be honest dude, since the no contact has been broken and you will always have feelings for her the rest of your life. She has a new b/f and wants to be friends, so make up your mind if you can live with waiting or not. Why wait when you can move on and let her be happy with her new b/f?

[valinors_sorrow]

I just enjoy being single but at some point I can't sit back and not say anything if after a year the feelings are there.

I think you may have answered your own question about when to look her up again and tell her your real feelings? My guess is much will have changed at that time and you'll be better able to look back and see more clearly.

[Nohitter410]

Yea that makes sense. Give it time and like we all said the time the ex comes back is when we have already moved on. Guess I am afraid of doing that but you know what I truly am not. I know I will make many women happy and am not ready to settle down anytime soon so as scary as it is that I may lose her it is the only way. Let her be which is what I was doing. Let's not let the last conversation affect anything that I am trying to accomplish right now.

I have a new job, getting into real estate and other ventures and a woman that has a boyfriend right now is not someone I should even be trying to talk to let alone someone I still have feelings for. Enough said thanks all for being there for me and not letting me fall back or anything.

[rol]

Yeah definitely don't fall back nohither! 3 months contact is too much to go back to the beginning again and imagine that could be friends.
In another 2 months or so you should be feeling a lot better.