[Misan68]

Is it wrong for my fiancée to come home early the next morning after drinking all night with girlfriends

[Wondergirl]

Do you and she live together? Do you ever go out all night with the guys? Did you and your fiancée ever make any agreement about comings and goings?

[Jake2008]

Is it wrong for my fiancée to come home early the next morning after drinking all night with girlfriends

Yes.

[redhed35]

Is this a once off situation, was there something on like a birthday/or other occasion?

Has there ever been a discussion about when you go out separatly?

Was there a reason she was so 'early' home, no taxi money/waiting on a lift.

Did she call to say she would be late?

Do you go out and stay out all night? Is it OK for you and not her?

Need more information.

[Fr_Chuck]

Right or wrong, what are the rules of your relationship,
Is it right or wrong to you ?

[Misan68]

Yes we live together! No I do not go out all night with the guys! No we have not ever made an agreement about comings and goings!

This is an occasional thing! No we have never had a discussion about going out separately

[Wondergirl]

Yes we live together! No I do not go out all night with the guys! No we have not ever made an agreement about comings and goings!

Then it's time to sit down with her and calmly talk about this.

[redhed35]

Yes we live together! No I do not go out all night with the guys! No we have not ever made an agreement about comings and goings!

OK, so now maybe you can have that conversation, you can do it without an argument, set the rules of living together, together! if one of you is going to be late home from a night out a call or text is called for.

A night out with the girls from time to time I personally would consider to be OK and not crossing any lines (if you trust her), however you both have to live together and be comfortable with the bounderies.

Your going to be married, and the living arrangements need to be clear and present for both of you, there also should be very few surprises about each others life styles at this point.

[Misan68]

She left at 1150 pm the night before! She called at 1am telling me she felt sad that she wasn't with me! But she was having cocktails with her girls! I had suggested that we go out earlier that evening and have cocktails or rent movies and she was like she didn't know, she was in a really deprresed mood because she hasn't seen her girls in a while! So I told her see your girls! She text at 459am that her and her friends were done drinking and en route to go eat! I did not get another text until 703am where she said she was getting gas then driving home! She got home around 738 am!

[redhed35]

She left at 1150 pm the night before! She called at 1am telling me she felt sad that she wasnt with me! but she was having cocktails with her girls! I had suggested that we go out earlier that evening and have cocktails or rent movies and she was like she didnt know, she was in a really deprresed mood because she hasnt seen her girls in a while! So I told her go ahead and see your girls! She text at 459am that her and her friends were done drinking and en route to go eat! I did not get another text until 703am where she said she was getting gas then driving home! She got home around 738 am!

Can you clarify what is your question?

Are you angry with her?

Do you need advice on how to approach the subject with her?

[Misan68]

I believe this stems from earlier in the relationship when she would make plans to do something together after work, she's a bartender! She would give me a time and what we would do! Only to be disappointed for various reasons! The bar got busy, she tslking to a friend etc. I got all that, I got it! I just told her why wouldn't you just call or text me to let me know she was going to be late, she would tell me she lost track of time! I feel this is total disregard for me ,uncourteous act knowing I'm waiting for her looking forward to being together! This has happened several times in the begiining which is why I feel I have lost trust when she says something!

[Wondergirl]

So this really has nothing to do with her staying out all night with her friends. It's a much bigger issue -- a matter of trust and responsibility.

[Misan68]

I guess I'm trying to understand why I am bothered when she came home so late?I think maybe it could be because I wantrd to have cocktails with her and she was like she didn't know but when her friends who she hardly sees call she did not hesitate! I felt sad!

[Wondergirl]

You don't feel like her first priority.

[Misan68]

Yes I believe I agree that this is a matter of trust and responsibility! Lack of responsibility on her part! Not so much her being out with her friends because she did communicate with me which she has improved but I was kind of bothered when she turned down my offer to go have cocktails!

Unfortunately that's how the situation made me feel

[Wondergirl]

Unfortunately thats how the situation made me feel

You are more than welcome to vent here, but even better would be to let her know how you feel about this sort of thing.

Do you think she will understand where you're coming from and give your feelings validation?

[Misan68]

For me she is my first priority, if I'm going to be late I keep her in regard and have the courtesy to inform her, I just want her to do the same! She has gotten upset when I brought this to her attention ! She defends her position always working as a bartender that things happen , then I get flustered and explain that I freakin get it ! I just want her to think well maybe I should call and let my man know that maybe we have to change our plans because I'm working later! Imform me please! She sees it as I should be supportive when she gets home and listen to the circumstances why she was late! I explained to her if she would have called it would not have been necessary to explain later!

[talaniman]

You will never get on the same page unless you talk and agree to boundaries, and rules of good behavior.

When you allow bad behavior you get more of it, especially since you both have very DIFFERENT priorities, and expectations.

[kcomissiong]

I actually don't see what is wrong here. She hadn't seen her girlfriends in awhile, let you know that she was going out, kept in touch with you throughout the night, and came home when it was over. What is wrong with that? It seems that the issue here is that you haven't set boundaries and expectations of your relationship, and that there is some insecurity on your part. (she is with you every night.. you said yourself that this was not a regular thing) If being out this late is not something you are comfortable with, then sit her down and tell her so. Let her know what you are comfortable with, and ask her what she would enjoy. Find somewhere in the middle where you feel secure and appreciated, and she feels like she has the freedom to enjoy her friends. It is healthy to have a life outside of your relationship. It is not healthy to not communicate and bottle up this much anger over something that isn't "right or wrong" until you talk about it.

[Misan68]

Thank you kcomissiong! Your answer really hit home!