[anonymous11]

I'm in a long term relationship, I love him to death but I'm at my breaking point. My boyfriend is the one of the most affectionate and sweetest guy I know. We have a lot in common, and spend a lot of time together. On the surface, people would say we make a cute couple. If you read my previous thread, I'm a few years older than him.. say 9.

Throughout our relationship, he's always had uncertainty about us. He thinks a lot about the future. One minute, he can't picture life without me, another minute, he question if he'll be happy with me long term. The problem with him being younger is that this is his first serious relationship. Though he enjoys it, he is often tormented with the question of what's out there.

I overheard him voicing his doubts to someone. He says that I'm the greatest thing that happened to him, but he knows he's young and hormones are at their peak and he often look at other girls and think he could get with that. He's torn between wanting a relationship with me and being out there sowing his oats. I am devastated. He's put me through a lot. Breaking up and making up.

Our relationship is fine, until a girl takes notice of him, then it seems like that's when he question us. I've tried leaving him, saying that I need to set him free, and that I need to move on. But when I do this, he cries, and says he can't picture me with another guy, it drives him crazy. He wants to make it work now, but he still looks so torn. I don't know.

At my age, eventually I want to have a stable family. I don't want to continue being with a man/boy that can't make up his mind. My problem is, I can't seem to let go. I really can't. It's sad but it's almost like asking me to stop breathing. At the same time, I've never been in a relationship that makes me so insecure in my entire life. I worry that one day, I'll start to look much older, an he'll leave me for a younger girl. He said he wouldn't do that, but at this point I can't really trust his words.

I need a guy's point of view or someone who has been through a similar situation. Thank you! Sorry for the long story.

[Fr_Chuck]

It is not the age difference, if he wants to cheat, there is always a prettier girl, a skinnier girl ( or fatter if that is what he likes). There is always a girl that will let any man between her legs that asks.

So age has nothing to do with it, it is his maturity and lack of LOVE, if he loved you, really loved you, he would have no real desire to cheat.

Will most men LOOK, yep, every day, will most men have a day dream from time to time, yep, but they would never seriously consider it.

If he would leave you for looks, leave him now, and don't care if he crys. You could gain 50 pounds, you could have a car wreck and get disfigured, lose a leg, if he loves you, he stays, if he did not love you, he merely does not want to change the sheets.

[talaniman]

One of you has to step up and do what's right for you both. You called him a man/boy, but girl /woman is just as bad. Men, and women make choices, and decisions and follow through with them.

Fact is, neither of you is ready for what the other wants. We know the boy can't make a man choice. But why can't the girl make a woman choice? See where I am going? Go after what YOU want, and let him go after what he wants. Its not each other though is it? Not now it seems, so are you waiting for him to grow up? That's going to hurt you both really bad. "Growing pains" always do, don't they?

You should already know that.

[xxNeedHelpxx]

We do have similar situations

[vanheart]

Sounds like he has some growing up to do.

He either wants to be in a loving relationship with you & work on growing that, or not.

The grass is always greener on the other side. Or may seem like that for him.

Maybe you you be better off with someone that has been around the block a few times & understands what it is they want.

And what it is to be committed & happy. Without wondering what they are missing out on, if anything...

I would lay things out on the line with him before you waste any more time.

[talaniman]

we do have similar situations

Like anonymous, you fail to own your part of your mess.

[vanheart]

Exactly, Tal.

It takes 2.

What is it you want? Doesn't sound like you're getting it.

Maybe you need to step back & figure that one out.

If you are with the right person. Who that is.

[anonymous11]

Hey guys, thank you for taking the time to answer my question. I do know what I want. It sounds silly to say that for the most part, he is the perfect guy for me. He is very affectionate, romantic (buy me flowers, take me to dinners, take me on trips out of town). He loves me, I believe that. But somewhere inside, like you say, he often wonder if the grass is greener on the other side. That is what cause him to be extremely happy one day and wake up doubting everything the next. I realize that this is the immaturity in him, and I also realize that it is not my place to help him grow up. I have lay down the line for him, and even agree to set him free to allow him to explore himself. He doesn't want that. He said to give him time to work on his inner demon sort of speak. It is so difficult for me to let go of this relationship, I don't know why. Maybe a part of me is terrified of being alone, another part recognized I put so much effort into this relationship like I never have.
Btw: do you guys believe in having time off?

[BK201]

Time off will not cool anything in this matter though. I was in a similar situation, a girl loved me a lot, a real lot. Seeing this, I accepted her love. But there always was this feeling, "is this what I want?" Though we were all cuddly cuddly, my uncertainty hit her too.. she went through your situation. Finally I had to call it quit. It was hard for both of us, but guess what? She is happy with a boyfriend now, who loves her and only her without any second thoughts.
My opinion, he will always have second thoughts even if it goes for another 10 years, thinking "I should have taken my options then".

[vanheart]

Sounds to me like you already have time off.

No, I don't recommend that. That's just avoiding things & fueling his inability to be invested in a relationship.

"it is not my place to help him grow up"

That's very key. You are right.

"perfect guy"?

Doesn't sound like it. At least for you.

And you are right, thanks for being so honest. Sometimes people hang on to something for fear of loss, comfort, loneliness, habit etc...
Love can be blind. But I think deep down you probably already know.

Or will find out the hard way.

I think you already have. Just not admitting it. This is no way means that you have lost.
He did.

You just learned another lesson, that's all.

"I put so much effort into this relationship"

So did I with my ex. Didn't get me anywhere.

Wish I could take that effort back.

[vanheart]

I hope you don't think that a break is going to make him miss you so much that he will changes his ways, come running back & everything will be "perfect"

That would be a miracle.

From Tal:

"Fact is, neither of you is ready for what the other wants. We know the boy can't make a man choice. But why can't the girl make a woman choice?

Killer advice. Take it.