[Xochipilli]

She fully realizes she needs help, and she is sort of in counseling. After the breakup, the judge ordered the ex into a program, and while I haven't asked, I believe he ordered (or heavily suggested) that she get into a program as well. But it seems like one of those cheap charity jobs where you mostly do work on the Net. She tells me about emails and worksheets.

She doesn't go to a face-to-face support group. My working assumption is that a support group would be better. I'm sure there must be churches or schools where such groups meet, possibly for free.

So here's what I'm thinking so far:

• Tell her how I feel about her
• Tell her that it's too soon
• Tell her that she needs more help than just me
• Tell her that we can maybe visit this again on the other side of six months
• Pray I'm not throwing daggers at my own heart
• Hope I don't get sick over it

Is that even in the right order? I'm thinking of praying and getting sick first... :) :(

[Ash123]

Sounds brave.
Good job.
Not easy I know.

You might want to consider making #3 into #1.
I know you want this girl, but all empirical evidence is that the pain you feel now
Is going to be an ant hill compared to the volcano you will feel if you don't step back for... closer to a year. She is damaged goods. Love is a powerful thing. But if it's real, you owe yourself that. I know it sounds IMPOSSIBLE. And it IS valentine's day. But this time next year, you may be glad you waited. You may even be with someone else.

Ps - I know you want to shed your clothes and go for it, but it doesn't sound like you are in any state to do that.
This isn't a one night stand. It's 6 years of foreplay - that you're STILL not sure about... you could be right back here in 6 weeks if you could handle it.
Trust your gut. May the force be with you.

[Skell]

I agree with ordinaryguy. You are a good guy. A real good guy. You have showed great qualities in what you have done so far and it is easy to see you are a smart and level headed thinker.

Even the fact that your seeking advice about whether to get into a relationship with this women shows a lot about yourself. A lot of men would just rudsh head long into it and not care about the possible ramifications. You obviously do, which is great, but I think therein lies your answer.

For you to have to ask the question of whether it is wise or not to get further involved with this women tells me that it clearly isn't. If it was you would not find a need to ask. But you do see a need and I think the need is quite justifiable.

I think you have a lot of good advice from people here and I hope you think long and hard about your next move.

Im sure you will because as we have said it appears that you are a good guy!

[LBP]

Let me just say... Waiting is all well and good and it sounds like it's probably the best bet, considering your situation and considering you REALLY like this girl (is it crazy to say that you're sort of in love with her?). That said, do not cut your nose off to spite your face! There is a lot to be said for taking action and showing an indecisive nature can be a killer when it comes to romance.

Romance is not thought out - it's gut instinct! Now, you can temper that with wisdom... In fact, you should. But remember that she needs to know how much you care and care about her specifically.

If she knows how to appreciate somebody, and has been waiting for this as long as it appears, then she'll know what to do from there.

I don't know. I've never been much for waiting, so consider me the devil's advocate for impulse.

[talaniman]

Let me just say... Waiting is all well and good and it sounds like it's probably the best bet, considering your situation and considering you REALLY like this girl (is it crazy to say that you're sort of in love with her?). That said, do not cut your nose off to spite your face! There is a lot to be said for taking action and showing an indecisive nature can be a killer when it comes to romance.

Romance is not thought out - it's gut instinct! Now, you can temper that with wisdom... In fact, you should. But remember that she needs to know how much you care and care about her specifically.

If she knows how to appreciate somebody, and has been waiting for this as long as it appears, then she'll know what to do from there.

I don't know. I've never been much for waiting, so consider me the devil's advocate for impulse.

Does this logic also apply to a female you like who has had her azz kicked constantly for 6 years?

[Xochipilli]

It worked out better than I thought it might. But you never know. I'm a guy, and being so I have a poor head for dates. She bamboozled me into going out with her on Valentines Day. I agreed without thinking about the holiday! Level headed? Maybe, but also a bit gullible. But it wasn't so bad. I kept her mind off her ex, and found out she's seeing a real live therapist face to face. The therapist told her to try some mild flirting to see how it felt. She was uncomfortable, as the therapist suspected she would be. The therapist told her it would be a while before flirting would be comfortable for her, and it wouldn't be time to start dating (much less a relationship) until it was very comfortable. She gets that and accepts it. I'm overjoyed at this. I said I'd be there, and so would the rest of my friends. I told her that I was weak, not stupid: if she was still having dreams about me after she and her therapist both came to the conclusion that she was ready, she'd have me in a snap -- but not before.

After discussing her dreams, she said she was embarrassed by them. I told her she couldn't embarrass me and,

Me: "I think I'm pretty hot." Cheesy grin.
Her: "Well, you are attractive."
Me: "See? Even the ladies agree..."
We laughed, and there was no tension.

PS: Starbucks is the devil. I'm pretty sure they spike their drinks with extra caffeine at the end of the night just to make it impossible for their customers to go to sleep. I'm wired.

[LBP]

You sound like you're walking on air, man. Whatever you're doing it's probably best to keep it going.

[Ash123]

Glad you had a good V-Day. On your terms...

[Xochipilli]

Thanks, folks. I appreciated the advice. Now I'm trying to figure out how to keep this thing on a low simmer until she's ready without it going completely cold. It would be all too easy to kill it dead or turn it hot; I don't want to do either.