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Sunshine59 · Aug 4, 2011, 06:46 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. We've had our ups and downs but we are finally stable and happy.. the only issue is that he won't have sex with me.. ive tried EVERYTHING and nothing seems to work.

He does other extra curricular activities if you know what I mean but when I try to have sex with him he always shuts me down. He has become a little overweight and were very comfortable with each other so I've thought that was the problem. At 23 years old, he should be in his prime. Its like he's totally given up on us intimately. I'm at a loss..

QLP · Aug 5, 2011, 02:26 AM

Stop trying to guess and ask him. Not whilst trying to seduce him. That isn't working anyway. Tell him that you would like sex to be a part of your relationship and want to know how he feels about it.

CravenMorhead · Aug 5, 2011, 06:55 AM

I agree with QLP. Talk to him. There might be other reasons. Stress, exhaustion, medicial reasons, or any one of a number of reasons. He might be too embarrassed about it to talk to anyone about it.

As Synnen says, if you can't talk about it you shouldn't be having it.

Good luck.

Sunshine59 · Aug 7, 2011, 07:13 AM

Ive asked him multiple times why he never wants to and he said he doesn't feel like it.. like its too much of an effort for him. And when we acutally do.. its like he's obligated to do it and like he's just trying to get it over with. He has told me that he had this issue with a past girlfriend and that's ultimaly why she left him.. maybe it's a medical reason.. its like pulling teeth trying to get him to go to the doctor

Cat1864 · Aug 7, 2011, 09:40 AM

Sunshine, how old are you?

How often are you attempting to get him to have sex? What is 'normal' for one person can be very different from another. If your sex drives are not close to each other's, then he may be shutting down due to pressure as well as other factors.

What do you mean by 'other extra curricular activities'? Masturbating, drugs, drinking, gaming... the list goes on.

Is he tired and stressed out from work, school, friends, family, etc.

Does he feel like sex is all you want from him? It does not mean you are making a lot of demands. Only that he may be perceiving it that way.

Was there ever a time when you did have what you consider a satisfactory sex life? The up and downs you mention, could they have had a lasting impact on his desire for sex?

If this happened in his last relationship (when he was 19?) and she left him, could he be trying to cause you to break up with him? He may not even be aware of what he is doing. On some level he could be expecting things to go bad again and subconsciously reacting to that fear.

Homegirl 50 · Aug 7, 2011, 09:48 AM

If his last girl friend broke up with him for that reason, maybe he has issues that have nothing to do with you. Maybe he has sexuality issues. He could be gay. You two need to talk.
While sex is not the only thing in a relationship, it is important and if two are not on the same page in the area and he knows he has issues there he needs to at least talk with you and let you decide if you want to deal with them.
And you need to decide if the relationship is important enough to go without sex.