[keren40]

I guess this is one of those situations that may attract criticism but I'm so alone and confused I don't know what to do or who to turn to.
In May this year, I left my husband for someone I met last year, and with whom I fell deeply in love with. W
He was in very unhappy marriage too and we got together, leaving our spouses and moving in together.
After a fairly serious bust up, and a few days apart, he now says he wants some time out to have breathing space, think about things and have time to devote to his daughter who is devastated by what's happened. I have seen him once since this bust up and I have had to move back to my previous house, which is extremely difficult and upsetting for both me and my spouse. My partner says he loves me very much, and that we will be OK, we just need some time apart. I agree we do, but I cannot shake the feeling that because I'm so emotionally vulnerable, he is just trying to delay the split. I love him very much, I am giving the time and space he needs, to the point where I am going away on my own for a holiday so I can't just drive to see him and to lessen the temptation to contact him. I really don't have anyone else to talk to and I feel so lonely and dejected. Is he delaying things or should I have some faith? When I did last see him, it was very awkward at first, the first thing he did was hug me tight and tell me he loved me, we slept apart that night, but the second night, we slept together and made love, which was wonderful and he drifted off to sleep telling me he loved me and we would be OK.
I want so much to believe him, but I don't know why I am doubting him..

[MeeBee]

He probably is nervous, but he means what he is saying. Talk to him with confidence, and have some faith.

[talaniman]

Forget him, start taking care of yourself. That's what he is doing. He has no time for you.

[Jake2008]

This is a bit confusing. You left your boyfriend and moved back into your old house- with your husband?

And your boyfriend, has he to your knowledge been contacting, or more involved with his wife? Is it possible he is re-thinking the whole thing, and may be planning to return to her?

What do you mean by 'a very serious bust up' with your boyfriend. Was it violent? Out of control?

Do you have children? What is your husband's take on all this- if you are in the home, how is communicating with him going, and if you are alone in the house, do you have anybody to talk to?

A little more information would be helpful.

Thanks.

[keren40]

Hi,
Thank you to those kind people who took the time to reply.
Jake - yes, I am back in the marital home, which is up for sale, as I had nowhere else to go. My husband and I are communicating well under the difficult circumstances. My boyfriend has been in touch more with his wife because their daughter is not coping well at all and his wife has just gotten to the point where she can speak to him so their main concern is their child. The bust up, for us, was serious, but no violence, no loss of control or anything like that. I have a grown up son who lives away from home.
I am just finding the whole thing very confusing and I cannot think clearly, hence the holiday away on my own. My boyfriend and I have agreed to meet up upon my return. Today there was a message left for me, thanking me for another chance, that he does love me very much and to rest and relax while I'm away. I want to have faith, but due to how we got together, I am having difficulty. I love him dearly and do not want to lose him. I had a terrible feeling of unease today, and I just felt something was very wrong, I cannot explain it, so after messaging my son and husband, I messaged him, just to put my mind at rest. He did reply, and finished his message Love you lots... I feel there is some hope for us, I'm not a quitter but I I likewise don't want to devote time and energy to something that is doomed.
My husband is very supportive, and god I have so much respect for him for that, but his take is, basically, think long and hard and deep about the trust issues, take the time and don't rush a decision.

[Jake2008]

I would be confused too.

What I don't hear you saying is that your boyfriend has any plans for the future with you. While I realize he needs time to sort out what is going on with his wife and child, I don't hear that you are a part of that process of transition. He is where he is, and unless I'm reading you wrong, he's content to be where he is right now.

It would be different had he truly been able and willing to include you in working through his current situation, and you with him. But, the two of you are apart, and that just may be the silver lining in all of this. You are in deep enough with your boyfriend to know you love him, but not deep enough that you have begun divorce proceedings, or taken on the role of step mother. That gives you choices.

I agree that you are in a position where you can better judge what your future would be like, should it get back on track. You are also in a position to forge your own future, without having to have a man in your life- at all. Maybe time on your own, under your own steam, will see you more independent, and thinking more of your own life, rather than jumping back into a complicated relationship that you would rather no longer do.

It has only been a few months that you moved in with your boyfriend, and I may be well out of line here, but, is there a chance that you and your husband can work this out together- to stay together?

If that is not possible, and until you figure out if your boyfriend is 'the one', and are willing to start building a future with a man that, to me, doesn't seem particularly vested in a future with you (he's barely communicating), then as hard as it will be for you, I think you need time away from both of them.

Healing, involves reflection, figuring out what went wrong, and accepting that neither man may be worth the sacrifice. I am wondering if your boyfriends' daughter having such a hard time adjusting really required a split in the first place- could it be an excuse? Those are the things I would think about.

Set your own standards, and try not to adapt your life, to be so completely involved with either man, or situation, and decide that you're going to give yourself six months on your own, or whatever is comfortable. But whatever you decide to do, a little distance to put the emotions in check, and think with a clear head and a clear path that is good for YOU should be in my opinion, your first priority.

[talaniman]

It may take years for him to straighten out his life, but you don't have years and you have made yourself dependent on both your husband, and this fellow to support you. Well this fellow who talks a good game left you with no place to go, and that action alone speaks volumes, if that was his best plan. He doesn't know his own future, so you have none with him right now, and how long will it be before your husband decides you are in the way of his future happiness? Just me, I think he has taken more than enough, and you should use this time to get your act together and stand on your own two feet, and build your own life.

Don't wait for anyone to put a roof over your head, that's why you are in the situation you are in now, DEPENDENT!

[vanheart]

Sounds to me like both of you jumped into a relationship before you were both ready.

Now the repercussions.

I agree with Tal. Get in control & don't rely on someone else to provide your happiness.

Or wait around. Sometimes you have to just be. Dissect who you are & what got you here. Use what you learned.
Realize who wants you & who doesn't.

Who's really close & provides unconditional love.

Stick w/them. Lose all the others.

You are #1.