[qwestman]

I've been married for a year and a 1/2 now. My wife is 8 months pregnant and the whole pregnancy has been rough. She is constantly moody and getting upset with me for no reason. There are times she can't even explain why she is upset with me, she says she just is. I wouldn't be too concerned with this except that it is constant.. everyday she finds something new to get angry about. Even just something as small as leaving the toilet seat down will make her so upset that she won't talk to me for the rest of the night.
Another example, we get 100 dollars each every two weeks that we call our allowance. We can use the money for whatever we want like a soda at the gas station or a new shirt at a store. I have been pretty good with my allowance and used 20 dollars that I had extra a bought a video game for my computer. (she hates video games) But I enjoy them and have since before I met her. In fact, I don't play games near as much as I used to. I maybe play 3 hours a week tops. Anyway, She was flaming mad that I bought a video game with my allowance because she says "it shows whats important to you". Two weeks prior to this I bought her a 59.99 grey's anatomy dvd set with my allowance. I find it hard to believe I'm being selfish by buying this 20.00 game.
Help me out please! I'm finding it hard to distinguish between what she says or does is caused by the pregnancy or what is caused by just the way she feels about me. I'm afraid things aren't going to change very much after the baby is born. Who knows, it could get worse. I think she knows that I won't leave her while she is pregnant and is taking advantage of that and turning me into a verbally abusive dumping ground. I'm so confused. I don't know what to do or how much to take. I know for sure no matter what she does I will not leave her while she is carrying my child. However, I'm worried about the future. What should I do if she doesn't stop? I think of myself as a nice guy. I always have been. I take pride in taking care of my wife. At the same time I also take pride in myself and who I am and I feel like she is breaking me down over time. How do I know when to say "enough"? I feel like I'm doomed to have a verbally abusive wife that I have no control of because now I have a child and it's not just about me and her anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

[Synnen]

Whoa... first thing: Was she like this BEFORE she was pregnant?

Next question: Are you as loving as you were before she was pregnant? (Telling her she's beautiful, touching her, holding her hand, kissing her, etc)

Pregnancy is so incredibly weird. Your hormones are whacked out, you feel huge and ugly and uncoordinated and needy and you can't explain any of it! I would seriously go from laughing to crying to angry in 2.3 seconds flat, and it was impossible to explain to my partner WHY that happened, because I didn't know myself! And at 8 months... you just want the damned pregnancy to be OVER already. By the time you've been pregnant 8 months, you feel like you've been pregnant for 23 years, and you know you're not as attractive as you used to be, and everything you do is awkward.

If your wife was not like this before the pregnancy, she's probably hating herself for the things she's saying too. If you're withdrawing, she's probably feeling pretty unloved too. The "selfish about the video game" thing was probably just frustration that SHE has to sit around and be pregnant and not have fun, so why the heck do YOU get to have fun? Yes, it's irrational. Did you really expect someone with that many hormones running through her system to be rational?

My suggestion is to sit down, CALMLY, and tell your wife how her words are hurting you. Let her know you love her and think she's beautiful, and how the sight of her carrying your baby fills you with love and pride. Apologize. Seriously, even if you did nothing wrong, apologize. She'll appreciate that you love her, and letting her know that her words hurt you may help her to control them.

[kp2171]

Deep breath.

Things can be a little crazy right now. Doesn't mean they are always going to be.

You are experiencing two sometimes difficult periods in a relationship. You have a young marriage. The first two years of mine were probably the most up and down. You also have a pregnancy. My wife had some ups and downs, but nothing as severe. Still, I don't think its time to hit the Big Red Panic Button just yet.

My advice concerning some basic irritability is to try to let it slide without a lot of confrontation. If you need to say something try to be calm about it. I think its important for couples to try be polite as possible when angry. Not always easy. I know. I'm irish and my wife is italian. Sometimes there are blowups... but we've worked to try to keep our voices low and our respect high as much as we can.

Next... there are a few things you can do to help relieve stress later. One concerns money, the second is help.

You should be planning to set aside money for expenses tied to the baby. Maybe she's lashing out because her hormones are all over the place, but maybe she has some underlying concerns about having money for the baby expenses. It's the kind of thing a mother, I think, begins to worry about perhaps sooner than a father.

Anyway, expenses tied to care of the child are real, and the sooner you have a plan to save some money for the care of the child, the better.

Next, concerning care... it is important to try to have help lined up for after the baby is born. As in help immediately after if you can, and also some help later. You'll both need some help and rest after. Friends and family can be there for you. You can ask them or yourself begin to prepare some meals to freeze. etc.

Is the area for the baby prepared? Planned? Maybe some planning would calm her mind. I'm not saying you haven't done these things, but if you haven't, these are some little things that add up to a lot. You'll be busy later.

And also, some time after the child is born, again its important for you to lean on friends for a break. Its amazing what a short break with your wife will do for your spirits.

I'm the father of a three year old boy. It's a crazy, wild, fun, maddening, tiring time. Its worth it. Hang in there.

[qwestman]

Thank you for your comments. They are helpful. I'm sorry I didn't include enough info in my previous posts. Before the pregnancy she had her moments where she would be irrational and get angry for long periods but they weren't very frequent and they were managble for me.
I constanty tell my wife I love her and I think she is beautiful. I talk to her belly or give her foot massages every chance I get. If anything I'm more loving now then before she was pregnant. I used my own money and surprised her with that dvd set she wanted and also used my money to buy dinner because I know she didn't want to cook. I'm not sure what more I can do for her. It's almost like she is asking me to only answer to her and doing anything for myself is out of the question. It's very strange to me and I don't know how to explain this to her without making her feel like she is the one being selfish.
As far as explaining to her how I feel about her saying and doing hurtful things to me, I do. I've kind of given up on telling her lately because I feel like I'm turning into a broken record player. Not only that but either she doesn't believe me that it is hurtful to me, or she just doesn't care.

[qwestman]

Thank you for your suggestions.. I've explored these as a posible source for the problem too. However I make enough money for all three of us. We have 0 debt (excpet for house and vehicles) and plenty of money. In fact, she is not going to have to work after she has the baby since my income can support us all and we feel it will be better for our son.

As far as being prepared, her mom is also a stay at home mom with older kids and is more then willing to help out anytime she can. She also lives just down the street which is nice. We also have the nursery all done. I think other then getting my fmla and insurance figured out everything is ready for the little guy.

I'm just going to ride it out as I planned through the next couple months (I'm also prepared for post partum depression, too. I hear that is just as fun) and just take it a day at a time. I tend to over analyze things. If my wife is having the same anger problems well after the baby is born I'll re-evaluate and figure it out then. I think you are both right and that it's kind of hard to make judgements on how she will be after the baby is born due to the whole horomone thing.

Thank you for your help.

[charlavb1]

I was there! My husband and I will be married two years in June. We got pregnant after three months of marriage and last May I had a beautiful baby boy. The pregnancy was awful. I felt sore and sick and my head hurt constantly. I was in the ER four times for vomiting. Seriously, I know you've heard homones are bad, but seriously, they affect everything, especially your mood. I knew I was being cranky and rude and I still couldn't control it. But I knew that I was in a safe relationship, that even though we were stressed, he was going to be there for me. So even on the days we hated each other we knew we felt safe in our commitment.
The day Noah was born was heaven. We have never felt so close and bonded and we had made it through all those horrible months. Now the hormone crash afterwards and the lack of sleep was no breeze but we had made it through everything and that little person will amaze and awe you. It is all worth it and it does suck when you are in it, but being on the other side, it is all worth it!
Be her strength and try to know none of it is personal and she is scared and worried and tired and really, really needs you even though she pushes you away. Be strong.

[talaniman]

I remember our first and it was hell and she hated my guts but childbirth is a life changing experience for you both. The huge changes a woman's body goes through is more than just uncomfortable but painful as well it as it wears her out physically, mentally, and emotionally. Don't take her outburst personally, just take it as her venting from the strain. Be patient and just be there for her as she bring life in to the world. When your child gets here, I highly recommend you get into the everyday routine of taking care of your newborn, not just to give your wife time for a hot soak, but so you'll know first hand not only the work involved, but to be part of the bonding process. Its fabulous

[ordinaryguy]

You're a good man, questman! And you've got some good advice here. Believe me, I know it's hard to bear when you're berated and belittled for everything, whether it has anything to do with you or not. But you've just got to hang in there and stay focused on the long run. The next two or three months will test your character in ways it has never been tested before, but you seem to be on the right track, so don't doubt yourself. I salute your resolve to get through this and be a father to your child. It will be worth it. And hopefully, when the whirlwind abates, your wife will thank you for bearing with her in spite of everything.