[Serenity788]

I live with an older gentleman of 69 years old, we have a very loving and great relationship other then in thebed. We have had some fiancial problems which he claims to have affected his sexual abilities, he not longer wants to make love in fact we have not made love in over 2 years. I love him dearly but this makes me unhappy the worst part is that he is a retired therapist and understand the logic behind his feeling but he is not getting any help. When I bring up the subject he will state that our relationship is more then just about sex, it has become a very sore topic and I don't know how to approach it any more. Although he is still loving and kises me but wants no physical contact. I am very unhappy about this and cry myself to sleep most nights. We don't have children just the two of us should be enjoying life but it has really sent me into a state of depression and I am eating to stuff my feelings and gaining a weight which he refers to me as fat, however he says he just wants me to loose weight for my health. Help I feel so unhappy.

[QLP]

As he is 69 he may be having trouble rising to the occasion and feel too embarrassed to admit it. Have you tried asking him whether he doesn't want sex or is having difficulties? Hard to know the solution without understanding the cause.

Maybe he is actually more worried about his own health than yours and is deflecting that onto you when he mentions your weight.

[Cat1864]

Serenity, how old are you? Is there a large difference between your ages? I ask because you mention that you don't have any children when at sixty-nine years of age, I would expect him to have grandchildren.

Financial problems can definitely cause sexual problems. As can many other factors such as medical problems including medications, differing expectations in the relationship, pressure to perform (from himself as much as from you), fear of pregnancy (men can be afraid of getting their partner pregnant), etc.

Sexual problems can become self-perpetuating. He may have had a problem getting or maintaining an erection which is now causing him to worry that it will happen again. The worry could now be the main problem.

He needs to start by getting a complete check up. If it is erectile dysfunction, it could be a symptom of other problems.

How is the rest of the relationship? Does he ever acknowledge your needs (without you bringing them up) or offer any sexual contact such as oral? If he is unwilling to get help and doesn't seem concerned about your feelings and needs, then you may have to decide if the relationship is the right one for you. No relationship is worth hurting yourself.

You can't control what he does, but you can control what you do. So stop the self-destructive behaviors and reinforce your positive behaviors (the ones that help you feel good about yourself.) He can't make you happy or secure. He can only enhance those feelings you have inside yourself.

Take care of yourself and good luck.

[JudyKayTee]

The sex I would talk to him about - whether he wants to have the discussion or not. You share his bed and presumably share life's ups and downs. He OWES it to you to discuss this topic with you.

I'm hung up on him calling you fat. That's abusive.