[valinors_sorrow]

This is really the flip side of Phil's GOTCHA thread...

I am really very curious about this:
When does someone being an a$$ make it so that you can be an a$$ too?

I am not sure I can come up with even one plausible reason to make this work. It seems to me that an a$$ is an a$$ and that returning what was given make you just like what they are. Didn't we all learned in grade school that two wrongs NEVER make a right? I also thought that being civilized required that we move beyond that primitive "eye for an eye" deal too. I am not saying turning into a jerk when provoked by one doesn't happen and certainly whoever started it owns an extra measure of responsibility in it. Its just hard for me to see it ever justified.

Is there something I missed that alter these concepts along the way?

Any takers?

[Allheart]

When does someone being an a$$ make it so that you can be an a$$ too?

Val, this is just my view on the subject. To answer your question - Never. I can not tell you the number of people in my life who have vehemently disagreed with me on this subject. To me, it takes far greater strength to maintain control, when someone is coming at you, who has clearly lost control. Believe me, my view of this is never popular. Especially with my loving hubby.

I see nothing positive coming of a mud sling match. I think all it does is cause great upset for all parties. I of course, have had my curls out of place from time to time. Human I am :). But I have never ever ever felt good afterwards and spent months later feeling terrible, far worse than when the initial conflict arose.

I just have to give a shout out to RubyPitball. She was contributing on a thread, with caring amazing and insightful advice. Because the poster was in so much pain, boy she came back at Ruby, with all barrels. Ruby handled it ( I think after the shock wore off) with such grace and understanding. The poster came around, ended up apologizing and thanked Ruby for hanging in there. It was more than impressive. Now that is a positive result.

It is not to say that I do not understand when someone reacts to being attacked, of course I do, what I am saying that I just think it is better for yourself, to try and maintain control, instead of getting yourself upset and covered in icky mud :).

I know I am going to be disagreed with all over the place. It's just my view of how I see it
And I lend it to hopefully help, not to say my view is right (of course it is, just don't want to upset anyone.. hee hee... Just kiddn)

With all that said, I am always open to listen and learn about someone else's view on this.
Although, I get a crash course of it daily from hubby (He still is upset with me for feeling bad for Anna Nicole & Terrell Owens of the Dallas football team :rolleyes: )

[Capuchin]

I, for one, agree with you allheart

[ordinaryguy]

Most of us have probably heard it before, but just as a refersher, here's what Jesus had to say on the subject:

"You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth' but I tell you not to resist an evil person. But whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also..."

"Give to him who asks you, and from him who wants to borrow from you do not turn away..."

"But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven; for He makes His sun rise on the evil and on the good, and sends rain on the just and the unjust. For if you love those who love you, what reward have you?"

Of course, you're right Allheart. There never has been a shortage of people willing to explain that while this may be a nice sentiment, it's not really practical and shouldn't be taken seriously. But most of them have never fairly tried it, I think. And it is important not to allow ourselves to become the victim of abuse. The fine line that has to be walked is between healthy self-respect and foolish pride. Pride fuels the tendency to respond in kind to anger; self-respect makes it possible to be generous and kind to selfish and angry people without becoming their victim. Very deep and hard lessons here, but so vital to learn. Good topic, Val.

[RubyPitbull]

Allheart, thank you for the kudos. Much appreciated.

I do agree with everything you are saying. I really cannot see how anyone with any semblance of responsibility toward this forum can disagree with what you have stated.

I think as regular posters, we have a responsibility to pull ourselves back when things don't quite go the way we expect. We need to try to maintain our decorum and try to be as diplomatic as possible. We need to get over any ill will that may have been shown by the poster and rise above it.

That being said, we all have our bad days. Sometimes we don't handle things as well as we should. It is a very human reaction to lash out at someone when they are attacking you. Especially when you may be having some personal issues that day. I think those are the times that we need to step away from our computers and take a break!

People that show up here with personal problems are emotional to begin with. Frankly, for me, there is no way in this world I would air my dirty laundry and leave myself open to attack and possible ridicule from perfect strangers (I have noticed there are some people who visit this forum irregularly, and seem to enjoy creating strife in someone else's life). But, that is me. These people who are looking for answers may not have the option of speaking with someone, or are so overloaded that they can't sort things out themselves. Like the lady I was speaking with that you were referrring to Allheart. If you go back and look at all her postings and put it together, this woman was desperate for someone to help her. She is in a new area, no friends to talk with, and it seemed to her everyone was out to get her. Her world was crashing down around her, she was having trouble focusing, and she just needed someone to tell her she wasn't losing her mind. Took me a little while to figure it out, but thankfully, she is a logical enough thinker and was willing to stick with me, to come to the realization that she came to.

Unfortunately, other posters are just not capable of that kind of logic. It is not their fault. They are who they are. They are looking at their problem from an emotional point of view and are so upset that they can't get past it.

I am slowly figuring out that one way to avoid misunderstandings and getting set up for an attack, is to stop, go back, and check to see if they have posted previously. Try to tie it all in together. And, we should give it a bit of time to think about how to approach it. That actually goes for the ones that have never posted before and are upset. I think sometimes our zealousness to jump in and help, although our intentions are pure and good, can actually be quite harmful because we never have the complete story. Maybe we have to start poking around and asking more questions before we start answering them. I know I am guilty of not doing my homework quite often. I see something and jump on it because I want to help. After the past couple of days, I am rethinking my approach to give the problem a little more thought and ask myself if I feel I am really capable of helping this person, or will I just be compounding the problem.

Any thoughts?


P.S. Sorry O.G. Just saw your posting. I agree completely with you too. Good take on the situation.

[talaniman]

Doing our homework is an excellent suggestion and helps get a better view of the poster and their problems, and taking a break is a good way not to be frustrated with some of the posts we get.