[Astsadi]

What do you do with a needy boyfriend?

My boyfriend and I are almost completely gender role reversed -- I am ruled by logic, I am more standoffish with emotion and emotional displays, and I am more likely to question things that don't make sense (like love, although I've mostly made my peace with it's particular brand of insanity!). Generally, I fit more into a male stereotype than a female one. On the other hand, my boyfriend is far more feminine in his thinking and reaction -- raised in a very loving family, he places heavy emphasis on emotions and feeling than logic, and generally reacts in more feminine ways than masculine.

(This is only where me and our relationship are concerned, apart from that he's a perfectly normal guy! Which is completely illogical and bothers me possibly even more than the behavior itself!)

Now, I do love him, but I do have trouble understanding him when he's needy. He constantly needs reassurance that I love him, that I'm happy with him, and -- when I'm away -- that I miss him. He writes me emails constantly telling me how much he misses me, and to be perfectly frank, it's getting on my absolute last nerve. His neediness is beginning to look pathetic, and it's irritating me. I can barely talk to him anymore because I'm nervous about what he's going to come out with next that I'm going to have to reassure him on. Which becomes doubly awkward when he asks me to reassure him that I love him, but he's bugging me so much I'm not sure if I'm lying or not when I assure him I do.

Does anyone have any advice on how I can bring this up to him without sounding awful? I don't want to dump him over this, but I just don't know how to say it without hurting him.

[amicon]

You're going to have to bite the bullet and tell him the truth.

Tell him and if he can't see where you are coming from maybe you should have a serious think about ending it.

[talaniman]

I see no way around hurting his feelings and being brutally honest. He will get over it and understand, or be a drama king and cause chaos.

Me, I am out of there real fast, unless there are major changes.

[Enigma1999]

It seems to bother you more that he is androgynous, than needy.

So first off, is that something that you are willing to accept?

Secondly, does him be needy have anything to do with a previous relationship? Was he cheated on?

His insecurities or always feeling the need to check on you, or always have a form of communication shows me that there was deception in the last relationship. Could that be true?

I can see where you are coming from with him being needy. After a while, it does become quite redundant.

I really believe that you should speak to him about this issue. In a diplomatic, tactful way, of course.

This will just keep eating at you if you don't.

[Astsadi]

Thank you guys for your quick responses =) And for confirming what I was afraid of. I did talk to him last night, and he was a little hurt, but to be honest he was more surprised that he hadn't realized how pathetic he sounded! We'll see how it goes from here, I guess, but I have a good expectation. He's not stupid. I think he got the message that he had to sort this out, fast.

@Enigma1999 -- after you mentioned it, I did think back to a couple of previous relationships he's told me about. I wasn't given much information, but from what he did give me and what you said, it wouldn't be too hard to imagine that they would have made him rather if not very insecure... and I thank you very much for the insight ^_^

[Enigma1999]

Thank you guys for your quick responses =) And for confirming what I was afraid of. I did talk to him last night, and he was a little hurt, but to be honest he was more surprised that he hadn't realized how pathetic he sounded! We'll see how it goes from here, I guess, but I have a good expectation. He's not stupid. I think he got the message that he had to sort this out, fast.

@Enigma1999 -- after you mentioned it, I did think back to a couple of previous relationships he's told me about. I wasn't given much information, but from what he did give me and what you said, it wouldn't be too hard to imagine that they would have made him rather if not very insecure... and I thank you very much for the insight ^_^

I'm glad to hear that you did speak to him about this issue. I hope that changes will be made on his end. I do believe that they will.

Sometimes past relationships can haunt a person, especially if there was deception of any kind. It leaves us a little leary and skeptical.

So really, the only way to get passed that, is by working with each other.

I wish you luck.