[Florid18hi]

Hi
I'm 16 and have been suffering depression for a long time. I now will go in the medicine cabinet and just grab a bunch of pills and take them not even caring what they are, I don't do it to get high or anything because mostly it's just benedryl. I like the fact that they make me very tired so I just sleep my problems away, I even don't mind that they make me very sick because it takes my mind off. I have also started cutting not deep just scratches so I guess that's not that bad, and it's not like I'm emo or anything I'm fairly girly girl.
I now have a boyfriend who really cares about me and I've gotten so attached that I feel I only have him in my life this is because this past year my mom got very sick and now is very different to a point were I don't even know her and sometimes wish she had just died because it's too hard to see her. And my dad and I don't have the best relationship so I feel like if I didn't have my boyfriend I would just be lonely. I love him so much but he gets very mad to the point were I know I'm in an abusive relationship but it doesn't bother me cause I need him sometimes I feel like I want him to hurt me.
But the main reason I'm writing this is because when I was 6 I was sexually abused by a family member but only once so I feel like I should be over it because it's like he had sex with me just fingering and then I feel lame cause I'll be crying at night for something that I should be over it's just hard because my parents new and his parents new but did nothing... and now he's in a band and there pretty popular down south so I feel like it's not fair to me, I'll even look at his twitter and myspace which is totally being like a creeper but it's like I have to know what he's up to, not because I'm scared of him just because I don't know. It sucks knowing about someone but can't do anything about it.
Sorry about this being long. But I just don't know what to do about anything I feel so lost and lonely to the point were death would prob be better. My question is what would you do if you were in my situation? And I can't go to a therapist I've tried twice and the last time he never even mentioned my past just told me I had ADD and prescribed me aderal which I just used up till my parents stopped refilling my prescription.