[fishhooks]

I have a 25 y/o married daughter. I was a single mom to her for the first 17 years of her life. She was very loved... by me and my parents. She got married 3 years ago and had an affair after one year. We live in the south, and her affair was with a black man. We have heard she may have been involved with 4 black men in the 3 years of her marriage. She has stolen money from my father, charged amounts on my mother's credit cards, and attempted to withdraw money from my checking account yesterday. She is such a good liar; I'm worried she doesn't have a conscience. I tried to make her feel guilty for stealing from her elderly grandparents, but after yesterday, I am scared she may have a personality disorder. I'm scared I should report her to the police. I'm scared everyone will find out about her, and I'm scared she will ruin the rest of her life. I have a 7 y/o daughter who adores her; I'm afraid I should keep her away from her big sister.

Any guidance will be appreciated.

[Fr_Chuck]

First make sure your parents ( her grandparents) understand not to allow her any ability to get to their money and that she is lying and stealing.

Next yes, her sister needs to be somewhat protected from her.

I have to wonder why you had to call them "black" men, not just had affairs, as if they being black made it worst for some reason, I guess it sounds like some racial undertone??

And this is how criminals often get started, stealing from family who will not turn them in, so they get used to stealing and getting away with it.

I would consider cutting off any contact with her at this point

[jenniepepsi]

Got to spread the rep aparently lol. But yes to all chuck said.

[Jake2008]

I too, had to spread the rep, but agree completely.

Her grandparents, your parents, have to be protected. Even if it means going down to the bank with them and reporting fraud on their accounts, credit cards. They will flag the account, and keep an eye on it.

IF you are suspicious that her behaviour may indicate some mental illness at play, then by all means speak to her about it. If however, this type of behaviour was apparent prior to her leaving and getting married, was it covered up or swept under the rug then too?

She has had affairs that you have learned of, through gossip. Unless she has told you to your face, you have no business determining that to be fact, and basing (perhaps) your judgment upon her. That they are black men doesn't matter, they all have the same working parts.

With your own account being subject to an attempted theft, and that you are aware of this activity as of just yesterday- what have you done about it.

While you try to guilt your daughter into feeling bad about stealing from her grandparents, I think you should feel worse for not putting a stop to it.

Please consider going to your local PD and reporting ALL the incidents to date. Dates, times, amounts, etc. At least your parents, and yourself, will be protected from her. It won't stop her from stealing from other people, as she probably has done, but may start the ball rolling for some serious consequences.

Sitting by and doing nothing is not, in my opinion, the way to go.

[southamerica]

I agree that any information you acquired about her affairs via the grapevine should be taken with a grain of salt. Talk to your daughter face to face about your concerns, including the affair rumors and the stealing.

She needs to know that you're aware of her behavior (the stealing) and that it is unacceptable. You will support her if she gets the help she needs (if she needs it) and makes an effort to improve herself.

If she doesn't make an effort to improve and she continues to be dangerous and disrespectful to your family, you must cut her off. My family had to do that with my eldest brother and it was extremely difficult, especially for my mother. If you don't cut her off, she will continue to take advantage and it will only get worse and more hurtful to your family.

Good luck.

[dontknownuthin]

I recommend you speak to a licensed psychologist about how to manage this situation. Make sure your daughter does not have an opportunity to steal from anyone, and your instinct about protecting your younger daughter from inappropriate influence is solid - follow it.

I agree with the others that whether the men she cheats with are black, pink or green is irrelevant - her behavior of committing adultery is certainly concerning though. Don't even mention their color if you speak to her - their color is irrelevant but the fact she is married and repeatedly cheating on her husband is entirely relevant.

She may have some psychological problems that are leading her to be dishonest, steal, etc. These types of behaviors are also common among substance abusers - could she be using drugs or abusing alcohol?

Again - get some advice before you act, and perhapds you can learn to extend some help to her.