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poppyseed89 · Jul 10, 2011, 01:09 PM

I apologize in advance for the length. I just don't know what to do. I met my husband in Sept of 2009. At the time, a series of things had just happened in my life. I had dated a man for 4 years who did not want to commit to me. I was so in love with him, and in a desperate attempt to make him realize he didn't want to lose me, I started dating someone else. This happened around March. I know... that was foolish and childish, so please save your judgment. I got what I deserved in that situation in the end. He wound up starting an affair with my married sister. They are now married.

So, back to Sept of 09. The guy I had began dating in March cheated on me and left me. That same weekend (labor day weekend) is when my ex admitted to me that he was seeing my sis. So, I went out with some friends, determined that I was DONE with men. I thought maybe I'd just find a no strings attached boy toy. This is when I met my current husband. I was very clear from the get-go that I wasn't looking for a serious relationship. He was sweet, albeit lazy with a tendency to lie. Considerably younger than me too (which I didn't find out EXACTLY how much younger until the day we married and were filing the marriage license).

December rolled around and I found myself pregnant. I work in a profession that would look down on me being a single pregnant woman, so for fear of losing my career, I married him. I lost the baby. Fast forward to now. I feel like sugar mama. I do EVERYTHING. He is lazy beyond words, I never know when he's telling the truth, and I carry us financially. Don't get me wrong. He does work a part-time, at times full-time job (depending on the hours he works), and at this point, I'm not sure if I could make it without the little bit he brings in.

Although my paycheck covers the brunt of the load, his usually supplements fuel and groceries till the end of the month (I only get paid once a month). His hygiene is disgusting, as he has none. I never want to have sex. I have been totally honest with him throughout this relationship. He begs me not kick him out because he is so in love with me, but he does nothing and shows no incentive to ever change anything. I'm not really sure it would matter, because I don't feel any love for him. If anything, resentment. My friends say of course he doesn't want me to kick him out because then he'd have to get up off his lazy butt and find a real job and he'd have to support himself.

Also, I have two kids. He is HORRIBLE to my son. Not physically abusive or anything but completely indifferent. He ignores him like he's not even there. My dilemma is I am so afraid to kick him because of the adjustment to income and uncertainty of whether I can make it. And because if he is sincere in his love (and I don't know if he is or not) I really don't want to hurt him. I don't think I need to restate the reasons I want to kick him out. Any advice would be appreciated.

Wondergirl · Jul 10, 2011, 01:24 PM

Originally Posted by poppyseed89

He is HORRIBLE to my son. Not physically abusive or anything but completely indifferent. He ignores him like he's not even there.

That should be the deal-breaker.

My dilemma is I am so afraid to kick him because of the adjustment to income and uncertainty of whether I can make it.

How did you make it before you married him?

And because if he is sincere in his love (and I don't know if he is or not) I really don't want to hurt him.

Seems like his telling you how much he loves you, yet doesn't show it by cleaning up and helping out, is a great way to manipulate you so you DON'T kick him out.

joypulv · Jul 10, 2011, 01:36 PM

He's sincere? That keeps you married? Something is missing from this picture. The big question is why you feel sorry for, and responsible for, a grown man capable of being on his own. Not to mention why you couldn't get by without his paycheck when you did before.

It takes two to tango - are you enabling his laziness with some sort of maternal attitude? Nothing you say speaks to that except for your notion that you are supposed to stay with him if he professes love.

Cat1864 · Jul 10, 2011, 01:38 PM

Since you don't love him, let him go. You made it before he moved in. You can do it again. Without his drain on the household, you might find your paycheck going farther.

Whether he loves you or not, isn't a factor. He can say it all he wants but if you don't love him and he could care less about at least one of your children, then there is no need to try forcing yourself to put up with him.

poppyseed89 · Jul 10, 2011, 02:36 PM

This is what my best friend says. I'm pretty sure I could make it. I have accrued some other bills that I didn't have when he moved in (ie. He drives my old car which is paid for... since he didn't have one when we got married. And I now have a car payment I didn't have before and a couple of other things I didn't have coming out before). It's all in my name since he had no credit. It'd be tight, but I think I could do it. I think it is that fear that keeps me stuck with him. Thanks for your input.

poppyseed89 · Jul 10, 2011, 02:40 PM

THANK YOU!! That was very insightful. I have heard before that I am like an animal shelter... I take in all strays. Obviously, I have some deep-rooted issues of my own. This was more helpful than you know. Thanks again!

poppyseed89 · Jul 10, 2011, 02:47 PM

That should be the deal-breaker.
~~I know. I have an enormous amount of guilt because of this. I guess I've tried to justify it because my son is quite nasty to him too... but, of course, he's only 15. And he is that way with good reason. Also, by telling myself that he doesn't really say anything to my son, so it's not like he's verbally abusing him either. I know... this should be the deal breaker.
How did you make it before you married him?
~~Since then, I've acquired a couple of other bills that I didn't have... none of which would go with him as they're all in my name. It would be difficult but maybe not impossible.
Quoting :
Seems like his telling you how much he loves you, yet doesn't show it by cleaning up and helping out, is a great way to manipulate so you DON'T kick him out
~~Yeah, I think I'm in agreement with you there.

Thanks

Cat1864 · Jul 10, 2011, 06:59 PM

Check with a lawyer who specializes in divorce and find out how the courts in your location handle property and bills accrued in a marriage. It's always a good idea to get professional advice about a legal issue. Once you know where you stand legally, you can make an informed decision on how to proceed from here.

Good luck.