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white_opal · Jul 8, 2011, 02:28 PM

Moved to its own thread and edited slightly/T

We don't have any children, I moved in with him upon his insisting and he makes all the money. Our relationship strain got dramatically worse when he accepted an offer to work on an extremely time consuming project at work. He comes home too tired to talk or even greet me happily when he used to pounce on me coming home. He got rude and told me that he is tired of having to work as hard as he is and not have any financial help from me. He is also upset because I don't have sex with him as often as I used to. My response was that he insisted that I move in with him and refused my help before. Recently unemployed for only 3 weeks now, I told him I cannot afford to help him yet and simply reminded him of what he asked for initially (that I not pay "one red cent"). As far as sex, because he is NEVER home anymore, our "connection" is dwindling. Although I explained that he needs to work hard in our relationship like he does as work, he feels that I should just cater to his needs despite his absence and his hostile atitudes.

He started to frequently accuse me of infedility and started going through my cell phone. Once, he even violently cleared a table at a nightclub we frequent, cursed the manager, owner, security and another guy (all friends of mine) and left me stranded, my guy friend drove me home. Upon going through his cell phone and Facebook page in front of him I learn that it's him who was cheating after all. He even tried to lie and maintain that the messages weren't from his hand in his phone. After a while, he confessed and afterwards expected me to forget. I didn't. I remind him about it every chance I get because when he used to accuse me he referred to me as everything but a child of God.

He has inhumane hygiene habits. I only recently got him to learn to correctly bath his body and wipe properly after using the bathroom. Previously, he would leave a streak of you-know-what everywhere he sat bare bottom including the bedroom if I happened to have been "on top". He leaves the house a disaster zone where ever he spends even just a little time in it. He knows he's not to smoke in the house, but creates arguments between us so he can do so.

We have unfortunately became physical when he bomb-rushed me the very 1st time. Our fighting results in harsh words to each other, broken flat screen tv's, scars to our body, knives being pulled, he even shoved me in front of my mother while she was visiting me and I punched him in the nose to retaliate. I have tried to "talk" things out, but every time I try, he says he'll talk when he's ready as if I'm his subordinate. It's gotten to the point that I throw drinks in his face for every little instance he's rude with me. He doesn't stop, so none of our troubles stop either.

People avoid me to avoid him. Girlfriends have literally told me this, including our new neighbor that I've known for only 4months now. Him, his career circle and his family expect me to live in his shadow, and I behave the exact opposite way. He says these people are starting to not like me for being so bold and having the "it's my world" attitude, and he's upset that I don't care about other people's thoughts with regard to me because I'm not thinking about them. He hangs with people old enough to be our parents, and it's their wives you have the issue with me, and it's his relationship-barren mom and aunt that are developing problems with me. He tells people that I'm crazy because I can't be there to defend myself. People I know (all older women)see right through him and KNOW he isn't stable. He can't even hold a stable lie. They comment that each time they see him they look forward to the different-same stories.

He's admitted to me several times that he is not used to being with a woman that is as beautiful and smart as me, saying that he former girlfriends were all insecure and dim-witted. He says it's been an ongoing challenge for him because he is jealous of me at times because of my confidence and that I don't show humility. Of course he doesn't know how to have fun with me in public because instead of engaging in our business he is too preoccupied with who is looking at me, including other women.

Very recently he told me that as he ages (he's 26 y/o now) he wants to "sew his wild oats" basically, because he wasn't attractive or confident enough to growing up. He wants to live like he's single, but he does't want to loose me because he knows he will never find another me again. I told him he can't have his cake and eat it too especially when I sacrificed my entire life in NYC to come to AL for him.

Every time I try to breakup and leave him (even though I'm literally 1000mi+ away from home with nowhere to go immediately)... he hurries to "fix things" between us. We sleep in different rooms now, and after he agrees to "fix things" he still awakes blatantly rude to me like he forgot his promises.

I'm from NYC and he's from country Alabama. We have insane cultural clashes.

In short, he is passive aggressive, a liar, seemingly bi-polar, but to his his career circle he's a golden boy. I am completely individualistic, blatantly honest, highly sociable and have been said to have a dominant personality. I enjoy continuous happiness and celebration. I work hard too (have left jobs paying way more than he is bussing for now) and still managed my time to enjoy life better. I am just more experiened overall with him, and I get him to just act right and be on my level. We used to be such great friends. Everyday that passes I die more and more inside transforming into this thing of pure fury and hatred. That just isn't me. Don't want to go because I've invested too much and don't want to stay because I know it's not going to be better. What do I do?

talaniman · Jul 8, 2011, 02:37 PM

You go, as its better to have lost your investment, than to keep investing even more in a losing proposition.

The sooner you go, the better.

NeedKarma · Jul 8, 2011, 03:08 PM

Re-read your own post. You obviously need to be miles away from this person.

southamerica · Jul 8, 2011, 03:19 PM

Sounds like a really volatile situation and neither of you is good for the other. Do what needkarma has recommended.

white_opal · Jul 8, 2011, 03:38 PM

Breaking uup is easier said than done. I have never committed myself this much to anyone. I want him to feel the way he makes me feel before I move on. It's not fair that he, thus far, has had his cake and eats it too. I demand the same. I think and feel when we're truly equal I will leave him.

NeedKarma · Jul 8, 2011, 03:44 PM

So you're saying you can't leave until you hurt him? Does that sound mature or rational to you? What if that takes two years? That would be a terrible waste of time; time better spent getting a huge weight of your shoulders and potentially be happy with yourself.

Wondergirl · Jul 8, 2011, 03:52 PM

Originally Posted by white_opal

I want him to feel the way he makes me feel before I move on.

But he will feel that way only when you move on and have nothing to do with him.

Staying with him only tells him he's winning.

LadySam · Jul 8, 2011, 07:29 PM

By his age of 26 I'm guessing you are fairly young also. Life is too short and precious to spend unhappy and vengeful. And you mention scars and knives, if I were your mother I would be terrified for you. Run, don't walk, surely you have somewhere to go, family, friends, heck, even a womens' shelter.

white_opal · Jul 8, 2011, 08:10 PM

Thanks. You are right, I was speaking out of anger. I got tired of being the bigger person. I was always the mature, rational and patient one and it seemingly backfired. Now I feel like I should fight fire with fire, but you're right. Realistically, I won't. But I can imagine how good it'd feel.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 8, 2011, 08:12 PM

You need serious counseling, if you want revenge and getting even,

You walk away, and find a great happy life and let that be your reward.
No text, no emails, no Facebook, nothing, leave him and forget him over time.

im NOT happy:( · Jul 9, 2011, 02:52 PM

Wow, there's always 3 stories to the truth but, this guy seems like only headaches & heartache srry, are you in love with him? If so, than try to make it work.Counseling etc.. If not move out & on! It could get worse or better.Ultimately it's your choice.Be well;)

kcomissiong · Jul 11, 2011, 06:04 AM

You are in a violent abusive relationship, and you need help to know what to do? You tout yourself as a strong minded woman, who is independent. ACT LIKE IT and LEAVE! A confident, smart woman (your words) would not accept this type of treatment, and participate in abusive behavior herself. This relationship is going nowhere but downhill, and seems to have great potential for serious physical harm for both of you. Leave, now.

NeedKarma · Jul 11, 2011, 06:09 AM

Previous thread where she was told all the same advice; https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...me-586351.html

Moderators note-The threads were merged being they were about the same thing

white_opal · Jul 11, 2011, 09:19 AM

Why would you say that I need counselling for wanting revenge? When someone injures you, don't they deserve payback? I am aware that there are more socially acceptable ways to get even, but that doesn't make any one of these more correct than others. In time, I will get over him and possibly even heal, but I deserve instant gratification. He'll heal in time too if I just disappeared from his life. In the end, I loose more because I gave more when we should each loose the same.

white_opal · Jul 11, 2011, 09:22 AM

Easier said than done. I am not looking for theoretical advice. I need advice that is practical in my present reality. I'd like to see you or anyone else just pack up and leave overnight on the drop of a dime after having prepared your current position for long term living.

white_opal · Jul 11, 2011, 09:24 AM

Yes, except I have spent my entire life until this point being on top in situations. I do not know how to "let go" because I've never had to. I have always positioned myself for things to go my way, and now it's not because I am with a bipolar SOB. I didn't sign up for this...

white_opal · Jul 11, 2011, 09:25 AM

I've been on my own since 15 y/o. My mother is aware, and she is prepared to do as much for me now as she has done when I was 15 and on my own. Lol. I am not going to a women's shelter, especially when I didn't have need for one at 15 y/o. It's beneath me, and it's not practical.

NeedKarma · Jul 11, 2011, 09:37 AM

Originally Posted by white_opal

Easier said than done. I am not looking for theoretical advice. I need advice that is practical in my present reality. I'd like to see you or anyone else just pack up and leave overnight on the drop of a dime after having prepared your current position for long term living.

You pull knives on each other when you fight, sleep in different beds, your friends avoid you because of him and you still hold hope? Start planning your next life now. Hoard money, stop being physical with him, look for other jobs maybe near your mother.