[Neodolinda]

Dear All!

Please help me. Please tell me your opinions about my following problem. And please,if You can, suggest me something.

What do you think, how can I get rid of my big big big problem?

I am 19. I have already had 4 boyfriend.

I first started living sexual life when I was at the age of 16. The boy was 21. We were the first for each other. And it was pretty bad.
He couldn't show me anything.
I suffered, didn't enjoy it.
Whenever he started, I felt like I am doing something bad, what I should stop right then... I was fearing, what if my parents understand it... what if somebody can hear us...
I was with this boy for 2 years and I have never enjoyed it. He always wanted to do, but I started refusing him.
In the last half year I always went out to sleep very early just to avoid lovemaking.

Then we broke up. I was happy at last that I don't have to face with those problems again. I guess I never loved him from heart, just I liked him as a friend.

My second boyfriend was a complete ***. I don't even understand myself. How could I be with such an ******* boy... Of course even he was an *** in sex too.
Those things always lasted for 2 minutes. He just cared for himself, never me. He didn't give me anything.
(when I wanted to break up he beat me... almost broke my arm... )

Then I left him, with my parens' help. I promised myself I will never again make love...

My 3rd boyfriend was much more elder than me. He was at the age of 33, I was 18. I tought he can give me something good now...
Even with him everything was SOOOOO BAD!! IN FACT HE WANTED TO DO VERY DISGUSTING THINGS! Like those brown -things... YUCK I WANTED TO VOMIT.

He left me, because I was not a partner in them...

And last, a really nice, understanding, lovely guy fell in love with me. I am lovesick. I love him more than anything.

I want him to be the happiest person with me. I am giving him everything I can. BUT...
In that question, I am lost. I refuse him. Whenever he tries to make love, I just say: NO PLEASE.
He says, he has no problem with that... but I feel this is a lie. He really wants that, but he cares for me, he doesn't want to hurt me, he feels how much I suffered because of that...

Whenever he starts it, my BAD MEMORIES come into my mind, and I feel like dying, feel like running away, anywhere just not there! I star sweating, I want to stop it...
I don't want to hurt him anymore. I want to be the best girl for him. But I can't dispose those bad memories.

What should I do? How can I be only for him, and forget everything what happened to me?
How can I enjoy it? How can I be normal?
How can I be a normal girl, who loves lovemaking, and do not think that that's the worst thing in the World.
Does anybody have some idea? Please help me!

(In my life, there are things what I would like to forget and gainsay. For example that ******* guy, or that old guy... But now I was honest, so might be somebody can help me!)

[Jeha]

Honestly to me it sounds as if you don't want to have sex (lovemaking) with him because you don't want to find out if he is aggressive or discusting as your previous boyfriends, the only advice I can I've you is to attempt to push those memories out by replacing them with good memories of your current boyfriend, also be completely open with your boyfriend tell him what you just told us if you have not already. I can't lie and say it will be easy to forget those memories, but don't block yourself from enjoying your time with your boyfriend due t past events.

[Neodolinda]

I've already talked to him about those times... He is a cool guy, he is so understanding. He is not pushing me into anything what I don't want. Its just simply, I can't enjoy lovemaking because those memmories came into my mind whenever we start it... But you are right! Somehow I should forget them, because it will hurt this relation. But forgetting is really not easy.


I am thinking of deleting everything in connection with them... (deleting the pictures, deletink the numbers, deleting them from the public pages... of course I have already done that, but now I will block them... I want to delete them forever from my memory... )

Any idea how can I do that ?:)
And thanks thanks thanks a lot for your answer!

[QLP]

Two things spring to mind.

Firstly, there's no rush. You say your guy is understanding and not pushing you, so treat yourself with a little patience and understanding too.

Secondly, if these memories are haunting you seek out a counsellor. You have tried just forgetting and it isn't working so far, so look to work through them instead. I had some difficult things happen in the past, including sexual abuse. It isn't easy to face these things, but with some help it is very worthwhile.

[Neodolinda]

Thanks a lot for your answer too! I have never tought about talking to a counsellor, but might be that can help. Now first I will try to replace the bad memories with good memoris (with this sweet guy)... then if it doesn't work I will definitelly go and talk to one :)

[Enigma1999]

Helo Neodo,

First off, I did a double take at your avatar... I thought, OMG OP looks just like Tania Khalil, then I realized it was her. Too funny! ;)

Ok, back to your question.

You were 16 when you were with your first, and now you are 19, with your fourth. That's pretty much a boyfriend per year, serious ones where you are being intimate with them.

Perhaps you should slow down a little. You are still very young. You have a lot to learn, yet.

You mentioned that you want to be "normal" again. You ARE normal. You have feelings and you are afraid of being hurt again.

In time, you will get over it.

The man that you are with now sounds like a good guy. He is willing to wait... so let him wait. There should be no rush, no pressure when it comes to love making. It should be when both people are completely comfortable and at ease with one another. There should be trust first.

It seems as if your past lovers happened too fast, before you had an opportunity to REALLY get to know them.

There is NO shame in waiting to make love. None whatsoever!

Just to let you know, I lost my virginity with my husband when I was 25 years old, AND, I made him wait for almost 2 two years before doing so. He did wait. He never pressured me. Not once. So finally when we did, it was amazing!

That being said, I think that you and this guy should both take your time. Get to know each other. Not making love to him doesn't mean you can't be the best girlfriend for him. Caring, loving, trusting, communicating, understanding, and respecting each other, now THAT is how you can be the best girlfriend for him.

I think a lot of people tend to put too much emphasis on sex. Sex should be with someone you are in love with. With someone you can trust and share everything with.

Lastly, you worry about your past. Perhaps you should speak to someone about that. Especailly with the man who hurt you physically. I am sorry to hear about that.


I really wish you the best of luck.

[sunnymitra]

Hello people
Thank you for your wonderful advices
Let me introduce myself to you
I am sunny... neodolindas boyfriend
Well I donot know what is the defination of sex and lovemaking there but to me its very very different
LOVE MAKING is something which have the word love in it si it is always wonderful
SEX on the other hand is not that wonderful if there is no love in it
Well to be true I think to be in love to be in a relation making love is not the most important thing as it should come from heart not from somewhere else... might be that makes the difference between animal and us

I think to be in love the most important thing is Love itself nothing else and also to be eachothers best friend... to share fillings... to talk with each other to understand each other
So I think nothing is wrong with my GF
We all live in the shadow of our pasts... we all fear that if something good is happening to me then the shadow of my past will spoil it or might be it will become like that as nothing good can happen to me


I rmember I heard this somewhere and I loved it

YESTERDAY IS A HISTORY
TOMORROW IS A MYSTRY
BUT TODAY IS A PRESENT
( That's WHY WE CALL TODAY AS PRESENT )

[Wondergirl]

Sunny, you sound like wonderful boyfriend. Hold her, hug her, hold her hand, brush the hair off her forehead, and do other loving gestures. A counselor is what she needs, someone to talk and vent with honestly and completely.

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is a mystery.
But today is a gift.
(That's why it is called the Present.)

[sunnymitra]

Hello
Thank you for your reply and to be true I am not as wonderful and complete you think I am... none of us are... because the day I become complete I will lose the meaning of my life... bcz I am incomplete and my life is a journey to make those incomplete things complete... so by trying to be wonderful and complete I don't want to lose the meaning of my life...
MY GF thinks she is incomplete... but my question is What's SO WRONG IN BEING INCOMPLETE... isnt it something we all are... and pple who thinks they are complete and they are ultimate I think they are biggest fools in the world
I just want a GF who is incomplete... who knows ver few thing but is ready to learn... who has problems in life but ready to fight back... because if we have never lost ever in our life then how will we enjoy or even understand the hapiness of winning
I DONOT UNDERSTAND WHEN PPLE SAYS WHAT OOHHH I M PERFECT... it really seems funny... bcz I think only God is perfect... But might be I what I think is wrong as well I am an imperfect human being
But for me Human being are more important than God... I don't understand Y we have to see God who is performing a miracle like turning water to wine or walk on water or lift a mountain... why he cannot just be the man sitting next to me on the bench feeding a hungry dog?. how is he less than a God... even he might be imperfect but his habbit that he is feeding that hungary dog is the habbit of a God... so why not learn from that and if we still don't have that habbit then develop that habbit so we become a little more perfect... so I think God ( being perfect) and devil( being imperfect ) both are in us
So it's the journey of our life to make ourselves as perfect as we can before we die
Thank you

[Wondergirl]

You are correct, sunny. Each of us is a work in progress. But if our imperfections are causing us a lot of pain, then we need to find remedies to alleviate that pain.

That's where your girlfriend is right now; something is causing her great pain, pain that she doesn't deserve and that affects her life and ability to show love. Being imperfect is one thing, and can be a useful thing as we find ways to grow in God's grace, but our being in pain is not what God wants. God has given each of us a brain to think through our problems and our pain and to get help for them.

[kwashere2]

Wow... lots of baggage so early in life.. . and the grammar... well. Anyway, get to a sex counselor quickly before you blow up someone's life and your own. No, seriously...

[Synnen]

The chat speak has to stop. I'm happy to leave the thread open, but please type in complete words and sentences like an adult if you are responding.

Further chat speak WILL be deleted.

[Neodolinda]

Your answer made me think a lot... I couldn't even reply You back for so long :) Thanks a lot for this answer!

(Yes, I love this girl a lot :) She is such a great human being :) )

In fact You are totally right! Totally!
And... it helps me a lot... that, even if I wait... I won't lose him. (Because the others were not like him... they wanted just that... ).
So now, I won't do anything what I don't want, and yes, he will wait :) Even if its 2 years, or more :)
I know :)

THANK YOU VERY MUCH FOR YOUR ANSWER!

[Enigma1999]

You are very welcome! :)

You both sound like great people who have it together.

Good luck to you two.