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gigijersey · Jul 5, 2011, 01:45 PM

I recently met this sort of fantastic kind of guy that you spend your childhood building in your head. You know, the kind you cut out the picture of the man in Cosmo and attach the perfect personality, interests, and hobbies? I apparently never attached the baby photo and ex girlfriend to it though and its heavy on my thoughts. My past is a mixed bag of 3 meaningful relationships and a bunch of "he was too short, too small of hands, too awkward." canidates that never made the grade. This relationship could be amazing, and I've come to terms with the normal problems, like always taking the backseat and realizing his ex will always be part of his life. She is just so far from letting me anywhere near her kid, and because of that we can't really build a relationship. He has custody for the next couple months and we can't even watch a movie if he is sleeping upstairs with no knowledge I am there. I have no idea what to do, all I know is that if all I have are phone calls, texts, and lunch hours with this man, he is going to become either a friend or not part of my life.

I should note, after I was completely yelled at through text messages to stay away from her kid because we are a new couple, I told her I respected her opinion and emotions. As well as informed her I had no want to cause trouble, cross boundaries, or try to be a Mom to her son (His last ex was one of those little girls who saw a premade family and took full advantage with trillions of pictures and all that nonsense)

I am just... clueless. Help.

southamerica · Jul 5, 2011, 01:57 PM

This may sound a little harsh...

You may never get her full approval, but that doesn't really matter.

Your boyfriend WILL move on, and it's not his job to make sure his ex accepts that or not. HIS job is to grow a spine and put down some boundaries. If HE doesn't want you around his child YET because you're new, that's one thing.

SHE doesn't get to decide who he dates and how he spends time with his girlfriends. If she wants to control who is allowed around her child, she can try to amend that with the visitation order in the court (I'm not a legal expert).

The bottom line is: if he's not standing up for his relationship with you and is instead allowing his ex to call all of the shots... is he really so "perfect"? If he actually doesn't want to let you to close to the child yet but isn't admitting that to you, then there's another problem.

I think it's time for you to talk to him about this.

talaniman · Jul 5, 2011, 05:14 PM

I think you have handled yourself well, and are not so carried away by the potential of a great relationship, to not be objective. You are far from clueless, and are grounded in some very practical boundaries of good behavior that applies to you, as well as him, and I have no doubt if he cannot handle his business in a way you can accept, you will not waste much time on him, and that's great.

Only time will tell if he does or not, and be ready to act in your own interests going forward. Stay true to the boundaries you have set for yourself, and see what he does about things going forward. Just keep paying attention, and be yourself.

Don't go for any bad behavior. By anyone, and I doubt you will. Just curious as to how long you have been dating, just for a reference point.

Good luck.

kcomissiong · Jul 6, 2011, 07:12 AM

Is this a new relationship? (You mention that she said you were a new couple) If it is, I wouldn't let you anywhere near my child either. I think that she is behaving perfectly normally by not wanting a parade of women in and out of her child's life. Building a relationship needs to happen BEFORE you meet his child, and meeting the child has nothing to do with it. It is not healthy to have children form attachments to people who may be gone the next week (ie: someone you are casually dating). I honestly would not try to insert myself into his child's life until I had some reasonable expectation that I was going to be a serious part of his life.

That being said, he needs to grow a spine. While I think that your decision to become a part of his child's life is not a good one, what happens on his visitation/custody time is his decision, not mom's. Is there court ordered visitation in place? If not, he will keep having to bend to her whims, since she can stop visitation at any time. It is also completely out of line for you to be in contact with her or for her to be in contact with you. You don't have a relationship with her, and no stake in their relationship with their child. Anything that needs to be said should be said by him.

kcomissiong · Jul 6, 2011, 07:17 AM

I should have read more carefully before I answered. You said everything I was thinking!

gigijersey · Jul 7, 2011, 02:18 PM

We've been together 8 months, as for the other comment from the answer of me "inserting myself into his life" I have made no attempt. I have only been over the house 3 times, in which I played video games with his son and kept my distance from the father to not confuse the child. I also make no attempt to talk to the mother, she just got wind of me meeting the child and decided to blow up on me instead of him.