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KUrban24 · Feb 10, 2007, 12:32 AM

Well first off this is my first post, I stumbled onto this website and I think this is actually a great idea. All help and suggestions is so greatly appreciated!

My girlfriend and I have been dating now for 1year and 3months. Its been one crazy relationship. In the beginning I wasn't the greatest boyfriend that I should have been. I cheated on her and was not at all a true boyfriend. Things have been better, actually going great. Up until a few months ago, we stopped having sex and it was worrying me. At first I just thought it was her birth control. She doesn't even like to be touched intimately, she's not really into sex or for sex at all. She tells me that the only reason why we had sex so much in the first place was because she thought that was what would keep me around. Then she got a new promotion at her job and became a bartender. She started staying later and later at work. Not coming home until 3 in the morning. I was getting scared, I was thinking that she was cheating on me. All of the signs were there. So I accused her of it and hurt her bad. The trust was lost. I work for tmobile so I also looked into her call logs. I definitely made her mad. We had a week break, it was the most miserable week in my life. I really know that I love this girl more than anything in my life, since we've gotten back together I've been nothing but good to her. Im being the boy friend I should have been from day one. Now the only thing is every Friday she has this ME time where she stays out late or I just found out tonight goes to some house party. Its not that I don't trust her, I'm just afraid that since I wasn't the greatest boyfriend that she's going to meet someone new and he's going to' sweep her off her feet and take her away from me. She says that she thinks her "me" time is good because the reason we fought before was because we were together too much.. I thought that in a relationship you want to be together all of the time and go places together. Is this me time really just her getting away doing what she wants to do, having her night out? Should I be worried or be jealous? I'm only 20 she's 21, is it just that she can go out and drink and doesn't want to be held back by me? I know she wouldn't cheat, she is a good girl and I just don't see that happening? All I know is my head is so messed up and I'm looking for advice. I just hope that I'm over reacting and I hope that this is a phase she's going through and will be back in my arms again every night.

talaniman · Feb 10, 2007, 08:17 AM

One of the biggest mistakes people make is to control or monopolise some one to the point of smothering them to death and they run for the hills. A lot of times this is due to fear insecurity or immaturity. The danger is that making a person your whole life is a disaster waiting to happen and you would both be happier if you where part of some one's life and had things you enjoy and do without the other, its called BALANCE in a relationship, and allows every one a chance to breath. Back off some and let her enjoy her youth and you do the same.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 10, 2007, 08:32 AM

First of all, its seems you both have unresolved trust issues. And the only way I know out of those is lots of talking until agreement is reached and then time to see that everyone is really playing fair. Playing "pay back is hell" is childish, if that is what she is doing.

Additionally, in all relationships there are boundary issues. There is me, you and us parts to each relationship and each part needs to be balanced to the liking of TWO people. The only way out of those problems is lots of talking until an arrangement is made that both peope feel comfortable trusting. If this is confusing, reread the first part of this post.

You both need to say what you mean and mean what you say and make sure your behaviours back that up. If one or both of you can't do that, then perhaps its not time for you to be in a serious, committed, exclusive relationship and you should resort to light, easy, fun dating. Trade in the drama for sensible actions.

Otherwise, I hope you are enjoying all that mystery you've got in a thrilling but poorly managed relationship.

KUrban24 · Feb 10, 2007, 09:38 PM

Thank you both for all of this, I do understand now a little better. She didn't get home until 5 this morning. Turns out she was with friends that she hasn't seen since she graduated high school. I do trust her but then I'm afraid that my previous actions have really hurt the relationship and karma will come back around. She didn't answer my calls from 12 to 4 and I had no idea if she was OK. I'm OK with her going out but am I so wrong for asking her to check in, say hey I'm doing this or I'm OK? That's all I ask. Her argument is that she doesn't need to check in with me. I would just feel better knowing that she's not hit by a drunk driver or some guy trying something with her. I just think of all these scenarios in my head and it just drives me crazy. You both are so very correct that one night out is good, but does it have to be completley alone, I would like some kind of contact just to know that she's thinking about me as much as I'm thinking about her. She's not the same anymore, she doesn't love me like she used to and I'm most definitely going to win her heart back! Honestly it seems that the roles have changed. In the beginning of the relationship I was going out and not answering the phone calls, I was being the immature selfish one doing what I wanted to do. After our break up I've just realize that I love this girl and want to be with her and I've streightened up my act. Now she's the one out and not answering the calls. Life is crazy and I can't thank you enough for taking the time to give me such great advice! Thank you!

Bluerose · Feb 11, 2007, 06:23 AM

First let me say that I agree one hundred percent with the other posters.

It is lonely and worrying when a partner works till late in a bar and stays on for an after hours drink with friends. And it is very difficult NOT to call and make sure they are okay. But that is what you have to do. And the only thing we can do, in all honesty, is to make sure that they are carrying some form of ID in case of accidents.

Mothers understand this all too well. Imagine waiting for your young adult child to come home safe and sound. And try to phone them to make sure they are okay and, as far as they are concerned, you have spoiled their whole night.

Checking in with you takes away her independence and makes her feel like a child.

I know you would feel better if she did check in with you, but it's not all about you. You have to be willing to think about how she feels too.

Your 'serious scenarios' are of your own making, they make you feel worried and uncomfortable. So what do you do? You butt in where you are not wanted (for a few hours) just so you can feel better about yourself.

Back off and simply greet her warmly when she does get home. With things the way they are at the moment I imagine she actually dreads coming home to the third degree. Make home a nice safe comfortable place to come to.

As for the trust issues, put them way to the back of your mind until you have some substantial proof or you will simply drive her away.

talaniman · Feb 11, 2007, 06:30 AM

As you grow you will see acting on the scenarios swirling through your head is so insecure, and will result in her being resentful. Dude back off and stop bugging her my gosh, when she goes out let her call you, and is that all you have to do is sit and wonder is she thinking of you? You are going to run her off unless you get a life. Find something else to do besides trying to be all in her face and over her shoulder.

valinors_sorrow · Feb 11, 2007, 06:49 AM

Originally Posted by talaniman

As you grow you will see acting on the scenarios swirling thru your head is so insecure, and will result in her being resentful.

I had to spread the love but I could not agree more here with Tal. Deal with the "what are's" and chuck those "what if's" out da window!!

ordinaryguy · Feb 11, 2007, 06:58 AM

Originally Posted by KUrban24

i would like some kind of contact just to know that shes thinking about me as much as im thinking about her.

She's not thinking about you as much as you're thinking about her. You've got to get a grip and find something else to occupy your mind when you're not together. Based on the trajectory you describe, I'd give the relationship another three months at most. Major changes are needed before it crashes and burns.