[subgrade]

Hello,

My wife died of cancer on May 12th. And I'm having trouble coping. I didn't know how much I loved and need her.I wish I could have told her how important she was to me.I wish she was still here or me with her.
My first wife killed herself 20 years ago.Cheryle the lady who just died, saved me from that guilt and helped me. Now this grief is all consuming and is bringing back a lot of the past.
I'm questioning the reason for being here.The bible,life after death etc. etc.
I have no friends or family and the only person that meant something and gave me reason to wake up is gone.I know I should honour her by going forward but I don't know how. She was my life and I'm too old to start over and too start from where to go where.Being 60 alone and depressed and yes conseling is out of the question.
Makes me want to go back to bed and sleep and wait for death.
Speaking of death.I saw the angel of death's face in a dream one night and he seemed to have a very welcoming and pleasant face.

[Wondergirl]

My heart goes out to you. I just lost a dear friend. When you get to be our age (I'm even older than you are), death is no longer a stranger.

Why is counseling out of the question?

The last thing Cheryle would want is for you to desire your own death in grief for her. Rather, how can you celebrate her life? Tell us more about her.

[lauraxx28]

My heart really goes out to you.I know how you are feeling... its the worst feeling in the world.and I know you feel as thou you don't want to be here anymore... and people have told me not to try and kill myself that I've to honour his memory.its very hard being told that... when all you want is to die... but I've decided to stay.. coz he wouldn't want that.. I don't want to find another man.. im just going to try and do all the things that we said we were going to do.. im only 34 years old... and so was he... bad things happen to good people... ive been told that loads this past month. Its because god knows we can cope with it what a load of bs... sorry but that's what I think... I hate coming home to an empty house, and going to bed and getting up myself.so I do know how your feeling... xx

[JudyKayTee]

Hello,

My wife died of cancer on May 12th. and I'm having trouble coping. I didn't know how much I loved and need her.I wish I could have told her how important she was to me.I wish she was still here or me with her.
My first wife killed herself 20 years ago.Cheryle the lady who just died, saved me from that guilt and helped me. Now this grief is all consuming and is bringing back a lot of the past.
I'm questioning the reason for being here.The bible,life after death etc. etc.
I have no friends or family and the only person that meant something and gave me reason to wake up is gone.I know I should honour her by going forward but I don't know how. She was my life and I'm too old to start over and too start from where to go where.Being 60 alone and depressed and yes conseling is out of the question.
makes me want to go back to bed and sleep and wait for death.
Speaking of death.I saw the angel of death's face in a dream one night and he seemed to have a very welcoming and pleasant face.

Your post really touched me. I lost my husband over 3 years ago. Like I'm sure your wife did, he suffered and he fought hard against the inevitable.

Everyone experiences loss and grief but there is nothing to compare to the death of a spouse. You lose your partner, your best friend, your lifetime companion. You dreams and hopes go down in flames, and the loneliness... beyond description.

I don't know how my experience in losing a spouse translates to what you are going through, but I do know there were mornings when I didn't care if the sun ever came up again. People told me what my husband would want for me, and that infuriated me. I took a "how dare they even assume what he would have wanted" attitude, and they were only trying to help.

I found that grief ebbs and flows. I couldn't cry at first and then several months later for no apparent cause, with no apparent trigger, I found myself sobbing in the shower, beating my hands against the walls. I found no comfort in groups and anyone who gave me advice (which is what I am attempting to do) upset me more than I was already upset. When I went places where we had been together (as simple as the grocery store) I was devastated that we weren't going to that place together; when I went somewhere "new" I grieved because he wasn't here to share that place.

But I found that slowly, very slowly, the heart heals. Many months after his death a friend told a story about a funny incident and my husband's reaction and I laughed for the first time - and then felt terrible that I could laugh and he was gone. But slowly, slowly, things came back into perspective. I had the advantage that my husband was not afraid to die, that we talked about it, that I had a very clear understanding that he wanted me to go on. He said I would do him no honor if I buried myself with him - and he meant every word of it.

It almost never ends - my life has moved on, but I had a really bad day this week, a terrible day. It passed.

I don't know if you are religious, spiritual, something in between - but your wife is always with you.

I also found that the death of a spouse brings back every loss you've ever experienced, magnified about 10 times.

I know you don't believe it or understand it (and I didn't either) but it does get better. You never forget. You just (sort of) heal. I like to think that there's some master plan we all must walk. My husband was part of my master plan from X to Y and now it's my turn to go on alone.

Do you get any comfort knowing she's out of her pain? Some people do, some people don't. I had to sign the order to remove my husband from life support and that decision continues to haunt me even though I realize he's in a far better place.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I wish I had magic words for you.

I did heal, I can tell you that. It can happen if you let the grief out and open your heart to the next step in your life.

I wish you peace.

[joypulv]

Subgrade, separate guilt from grief. Grief follows a natural process whereas guilt lingers and festers. I'll bet anything that you have nothing to feel guilty about (even though we all have some regrets about what we could have said or done) and that she knew that you loved her. That's all that matters.