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christophermatt · Jun 25, 2011, 02:40 PM

My girlfriend and I have our problems sometimes but when I try to talk about it with her all she does is look down and not say anything. It kind of makes me angry because I'm trying to put my heart in to working out our problems and the relationship but she's not doing her part. Can anyone help?

Jake2008 · Jun 25, 2011, 03:02 PM

I am sure that you know without a doubt that she is painfully shy; she is most likely quite bright, and has other characteristics and qualities that are more evident, than her inability to overcome her shyness with words.

It is not a fault, but a learned behaviour. Perhaps somewhere in her past she was shut down when she tried to express herself, or made to feel that her opinion wasn't useful or helpful, or that she had other boyfriends who she said what they wanted to hear and had no interest in hearing her opinions. There could be a million problems or reasons she is unwilling to open up.

You don't say how long you have been dating, or what kind of problems you have that need to be addressed. I understand your frustration, but if you are getting angry, she will not respond, except eventually, in kind.

Why not try communicating another way for now. Even if you are living in the same house, start emailing. A couple I knew couldn't talk without arguing, and both of them started emailing (in the same room) on their computers. It really opened up a lot of dialogue. Agree to keep it clean and non-accusatory or angry. Start with one problem- not the problem of not communicating- but one problem that you would rather talk face to face about. Maybe it's financing, or making a purchase. Agree together to allow for time to think between reply email, say a day or so, but no longer. Dig a little in a positive way to try to encourage her through email to see that what you need to talk about, does not reflect on her being wrong, simply because she has a hard time talking out loud. Get a discussion going. Ask questions, get her talking more about her day, her thoughts, opinions on events in the news, etc.

Hopefully, this connection you establish- safe, effective, non threatening and accepting- will help open her up to more face to face conversation down the road.

Best of luck.

talaniman · Jun 25, 2011, 05:17 PM

If she is that shy then stop overwhelming her with insistence that she talk, or expect her to do things your way. That's not fair, she is who she is for whatever reasons, and maybe you need a better method of communicating, or show some understanding.

I think this is more about your frustrations than her lack of talking to you when you want her to. How long have you been dating together.

christophermatt · Jun 25, 2011, 05:32 PM

I understand that maybe your right, me and her have been dating for a year and some months. Its just the little things make her mad sometimes and I would have no clue what's she's mad at about so I ask why are you mad at me? Can we talk about it? No response she just turns away. I'm not a bad guy I care for her I just want to know how she really feels so I could do whatever it takes to make her happy.

christophermatt · Jun 25, 2011, 05:35 PM

I understand this as well its just crazy because she can talk to her friends just fine but with me its just nothing silence. Even sometimes when we are not fighting we just sit here and we won't say anything to each other so I just stay on the computer and she stays on her phone.

talaniman · Jun 25, 2011, 05:38 PM

How old are you both?

christophermatt · Jun 25, 2011, 06:27 PM

I'm 20 and she's 21.

talaniman · Jun 25, 2011, 06:46 PM

You ever try doing things together, sharing common interests? Are you both in school, or working?

Jake2008 · Jun 25, 2011, 07:32 PM

Ok, so the talking doesn't happen even when there aren't problems. Silence can be golden, but, seems it is causing a great divide between the two of you.

I'm not really sure what to think about that. I've been married to one man for 35 years next month; we got married at the age you are at now. We've never stopped talking. We talk and argue about the news, different points of view, pretty much everything, but it's not arguing about not talking.

If communicating isn't happening, that is worrysome in that, if it should be natural and forthcoming easily, but you aren't being heard, then your needs are not being met in a most fundamental way in my opinion. I would think that eventually the silent treatment would mean the end of the relationship.

Does she realize how important the communicating is to you?

christophermatt · Jun 28, 2011, 10:38 AM

Yea we do things together but I think its because we are so different like for example we would go to the store and on the way to the store sometimes we wouldn't talk to whole way there so I would just turn the music up so it wouldn't be awkward.

christophermatt · Jun 28, 2011, 10:41 AM

I don't know I think she does but I wouldn't know for sure because if I try to ask her she wouldn't give me an answer she would just shrug her shoulders like in the "I dont know" way.