[Vakantie]

Ok here is a small update! I did not respond to the message from her parents a week ago . At the time it was not so hard to do, because she was far away. But when she came back from her holiday I felt a slight change in my emotion. I knew she was back and I wanted to talk to her about her vacation and other things, just an excuse to talk to her for a second. Fortunately I did not do this, I read the messages on this site and thanks to these messages I stayed strong and I continued NC. I have received a couple more messages from her which says – I miss you baby – or – I would like to fall asleep in your arms again and feel your lips again, it felt so great – All sweet messages, but none of the messages says she wants to be with me exclusively. So that's why I did not respond.

I'm thinking that if she sends me a message again I will reply something like – Okay, I do not want to have any contact with you. The only time you are allowed to send me a message is if you want to have a relationship with me again. Then we can talk to each other and even then I do not know if I want to be back with you again. Otherwise do not contact me atm – Is this a smart thing to do or should I do nothing?

[amicon]

Do nothing-no contact-remember?

[dwidrick]

I agree with amicon that you should probably just say nothing... but being who I am knowing that I was also unable to not respond to these things I say giving her a final "ultimatum" if you will may not be a bad idea. Granted I don't recall if you have already told her that you do not want to hear from her unless she wants to be with you. If you have already told her this do not respond. But if not I see no harm in telling her that and only that and leaving it where it is.

Either way good luck. You are making progress :)

[talaniman]

Say and do nothing, why should you? Did you read YOUR own post? She is playing a mind game to suck you into a reaction to her actions. Same as before, so don't fall for it unless you have the guts to tell her to leave you alone, and then disappear.

Better yet, disappear any way and let her do the wondering. Maybe she sends her MAMA to find you!!

[brent.0987]

I say you should def not tell her anything... your still too emotionally involved, and you have already given her that ultimatium before. Continue on completely ignoring until your pretty much free from her which you are not... the goal here is to get over her for the most part which you are not yet. Do not give her another ultimatium should she show up at your house or room again lol... act indifferent, cut the conversation short, keep doing that until you can say your over her... if she stalks you like a crazy person again to get answers, she's only doing this for her own satisfaction, don't give it to her because you will feel worse if you do.

[Vakantie]

All right, thanks I won't send a message. You all were right I already gave her an ultimatum, so it has no use to give it again.

Small update:
It seems like my ex girlfriend wants to take over my best friends.. When she has nothing to do she sends them messages asking if they want to go out and have something to drink. Luckily I have great friends! They refused everything, talked with me about it and said that they just couldn't do it because they are MY friends. They want to support me and they think it is unacceptable to meet up and go out with her.

Yesterday I went out and I had an awesome time! For the first time she was not in my head when I was clubbing! Very happy about that. A lot of old friends of mine were at the club and it was great to see them again, made a couple appointments so we can start things over and hang out again. Also met a couple of new people who I had loads of fun with!
I am just really happy that she was not on my mind haha! :)

[brent.0987]

I had similar problem with my xgf of 5 years, once we broke up and I was doing NCR and ignoring her, she was always trying to talk to my friends on Facebook and all. Your not giving her an update and your not reacting to her contact so this is the only other thing she could do to get your attention. Its simply more games for her. I would also expect that she will have a boyfriend within the next 2 months seeing how weak she is, she won't be able to handle this alone and will need some sort of rebound.

[Vakantie]

@brent,
I wouldn't be surprised if she is already close to a rebound. From what I have heard she is already dating a couple of guys and I saw her yesterday and she was texting a lot to some dude (I will explain shortly how I saw this). When we were together and girls were dating multiple guys, flirting, kissing, dating and maybe even more, we were both like damn what a slut! Now she is doing this and I must say it hurts.

Now I will explain what happened yesterday. I was going out with some friends, met up with some girlfriends of her too. They told me she was going to an other club with some new friends of hers, which they hate so they wanted to hang out with me and my friends. Then we went out and after a hour or so, she came walking into the club all alone! So I have no clue why she didn't went to the other club, I did not wanted to ask that. But okay, I was having fun. Then she stood there the whole time with me and my friends.. I thought it was strange but I thought to myself just have fun. At the beginning everything went great, I had fun was dancing. I was doing crazy and she tried to dance with me a couple of times. I also noticed that sometimes we were looking for each other. Saw her thinking, okay he is over there, is he talking to some girl? No okay everything is all right. This happened a couple of times. But after a while I turned around to talk to someone else and I looked straight into her phone and saw that she was texting with some guy. I looked away as quickly as possible because I really did not want to see that. I was a bit distracted from that and then every time she was texting and I walked by she did all secretly hold her phone against her chest so nobody could see a thing. I really did not care about her texting to some guy, I already knew in a way that she would see or meet other guys. But in the way she acted I was starting to feel bad. I just missed the times we told each other everything, that we did not have any secrets for each other. Some feelings came back(luckily not all) and all the energy just flowed away from my body. I was feeling down again. Then a guy I knew asked if he could dance with her. I was like whatever man and they started dancing and I just could not watch it. They saw this too and stopped dancing. When I was feeling down she tried to cheer me up. Started to dance with me but it had no effect what so ever. After a couple of minutes she said she was going. I don't know why but I asked what she was about to do because I was about to leave and if I should walk with her to her home (stupid I know, very freaking stupid! ). First she told me she was going home but wanted to be alone, then I gave her the look like do not talk bull**** to me. Then she admitted she was going to someone or friends or something to eat, I don't know exactly. Then I went away, oh how I have learned a couple of things again this night. Again I went flat on my face. It seems the only way I can learn is to fail greatly. I thought I was a bit more over her, but to see her talk to some other guy is already making me feel jealous. Even her dancing with a couple of my friends (I know nothing would happen), I just hate to see. Damn, she even wasn't supposed to be there.

Now I am also wondering. What should I do when she walks in a club and I am there with my friends? I do not want to leave, because I want to have fun too. But I also can't handle her talking or dancing to some guy. So what should I do?

Also we would have gone on a city trip in a couple of weeks. I arranged everything, because it was for her birthday. The only thing, she booked it with her creditcard so everything is on her name. Now I just want it to be cancelled. Am I allowed to ask this? Also I am afraid that she is going with some guy over there and doing everything I had arranged for her. Thinking of this, hurts. Writing this down I already know what you guys think haha. Do not do anything and do not talk to her! If she is going somewhere what you have arranged with some other guy there is nothing you can do about it. Right? Just want to know your opinions on this all, your opinions are helping me out like crazy and is making me a lot stronger. Even though it seems I sometimes just have to fail from time to time to learn...

[amicon]

If you can't handle being in the same space-go somewhere else until you can.

She's playing you and you're letting her.

As for the trip,do you owe her money,or does she owe you money?

If you don't-ignore it.

You can't ask for anything to be cancelled-it's up to her what she does.

[talaniman]

No experience is a failure if you learn something about yourself. Very clear this incident showed you that you still haven't taken full control of your own feelings, enough to not let feelings get in the way of facts.

When you can realize that, then next time you will stay out of what she is doing, and focus on what YOU are doing.

Saw her thinking, okay he is over there, is he talking to some girl? No okay everything is all right. This happened a couple of times.

This dumb statement should have shown you how powerful feelings can be. And your need to better understand, and cope with them.

[brent.0987]

You def did a couple of mistake here. Here what they are in my opinion
1)you asked where she was going and all when she was leaving
2)you let her see you sweat
3)you got a little noisy even if its by accident by looking at whose she's txting or dancing with

One of the points of no contact is to be able to get over her so that anything she does will not bother you the way they are now... so this should answer your questions, if she's there in public, don't stick around because look at what happened. You feel worse and you did not enjoy your night. I know it sucks but its what's necessary for now. Her little games finally got the best of you and she's probably on cloud 9 right now.
I think this calls for more serious no contact, you can't handle it, your far from over her right now, she's completely lost in life, she has no idea what she's doing, she's constantly playing games and all this will drive you crazy as long as you feel for her like you do now and have contact with her (including seeing her in public)... my advice if when you see her especially at a club you make an exit without it making it look like your running away.

T make you understand what I mean ill tell you about my experience.
With my girlfriend of 5 years, when we broke up, I stayed away from any hot spots becase I knew I was not ready to deal with anything. As a result, when I saw her 6 months later by accidentat a club, I was the cool one and she was the one crying her head off who couldn't handle it because I worked on myself and figured stuff out for myself such as improving myself and really accepting the relationship was over. Even when I saw her 1 month ago (a year and a half after we broke up) she was the one crying again and she has a boyfriend where I was the one who was calm and collected and wasn't phazed by it.

Another example is with a girl I had feelings for recently. She started with the mixed signals and all so I took about a month off from her and now I'm good. I don't read into anything she does, because I've accepted that she doesn't know hersel so how could I possibly know. Ive accepted that strong chance she's with other guys or another guy and there's no future for us (but I actually would not and never did want to go out with her lol). Last night she called me blocked number haha, but I'm not analyzing it or anything because I know its just another patter of crazyness. You can't make sense of it because they can't themselves. You have to go hardcore no contact here until you feel free from her.

Everyone messes up so its not the end of the world. You were doing so well and now time to get back on track that's all.

[Vakantie]

Nope, nobody owns anybody money. We were supposed to pay it when we were at the hotel.
And OK I will ignore it, can't do anything about it and I just have to accept this.

[amicon]

That's it-accepting it and keeping on moving on.

[Vakantie]

Yeah I def made some mistakes. Only the 3th one wasn't really my mistake. I just turned around, looked straight into her phone by accident and looked away as quickly as possible because I didn't even want to know who she was texting with. Every time I got close to her, she hold her phone against her chest like I was trying to read it, but I wasn't. That was the thing that made me feel bad, that we don't have the connection anymore and the ''I want it back'' feelings came back again.

Yes maybe it is the best option not to see her atm, even when I'm out with friends. I will probably go to different club when she walks in or something. My friends understand my feelings, they are really supportive, so they will understand when I ask them to go to a different club.

Now the situation feels like a small setback, but I know that in time this moment will make me stronger and will help me in the future to understand my own feelings.

[Vakantie]

By the way why is it that she's playing mind games with me? I just don't understand it.
You love me for 4+ years and now she's trying to make me feel bad with her games. What is it that makes her do these kind of things? Why does she thrives on this?

I just want to be able to understand it, as a life lesson, to learn how people are.

[talaniman]

Life lessons are about you, and how you handle yourself, how you manage your feelings, and actions. How you make decisions for yourself. People are who they are, including you.

So it was you, playing mind games with YOURSELF.

And that's the life lesson to learn here. Own it, acknowledge it, and make the right adjustments to cope with it. Doesn't matter the motives, or actions of others, all that matters is how you handle it.

[dwidrick]

Yes I agree with Tal... who cares what the things she does means. If you let them bother you you are falling into an emotional bottomless pit. You wondering about what she was thinking means she is getting the best of you. Don't allow this, I find the best way to cope with it is to remember the reasons you do not want her around, the better things you are able to do now that she isn't holding you back, the people you get to meet without her.

And as you have said before. She still hasn't given any inclination that she wants to be with only you, so from my eyes anything she is doing is simply a way to try and keep you around. As you have seen from my situation, even when my ex came to me wanting to be back together with only me I refused since I had had time to reflect and realize that I had been great without her and finally started to realize some of the things that I didn't like about the relationship that I tolerated simply because I cared for her a great deal. With time I am sure you will find that there are things that you no longer have to deal with from her that you are glad you no longer have to even worry about. Once the emotions subside you will be able to see the relationship more rationally and realize what was and was not good about it.

[brent.0987]

The main thing is you should not be thinking about what she is thinking or anything like that. The whole point of not having contact is so you grow by yourself and accept that this relationship is over.

If it helps, she doesn't even know herself why she is acting the way she is, its become who she is now, she is someone who is lost and has lost her the way, judging by how she's been acting with you but none of this matters. She def doesn't know what she's doing so you can't possibly figure it out. Imagine being with sum1 who has no idea what she wants? Ud go crazy

[Vakantie]

Thank you for the replies, I couldn't answer them because I was busy with school. But now my exams are over and I have vacation!! (Vacation will be weird with having so much free time, but I've found some new potential hobbie's to try out. Hopefully that will work)

Here's an update from my week: Monday and Tuesday were hard for me, she was in my mind a lot because I saw her that weekend! Even in my dreams! I hate dreaming of her, everything is nice and all right in my dream and then you wake up and you have nothing. So that was a tough pill to swallow. Also it seems like I can't get a break from her. For example I go to the gym at times she never works out, but one way or another she is always there lol. She knows I work out during those times and then she shows up. I try to stay cool during those times. Just say hi and move on and when she comes talking to me I just say I have to exercise again. So that I have minimal contact with her. This happened on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday, really weird.
Yesterday the first part of the day was awful! Don't know what I had, but I was crying like crazy! I just pampered myself and in the evening I went out with my friends. It was absolutely great! I had a lot of fun with my friends and the girls were all over me. I don't know what it was, but I was on fire haha. A couple girls asked me to go to her place, I refused because I don't think I'm ready for that. But then on my way home I felt extremely lonely again! Lying in my bed, all alone. Normally she would be there next to me, really awful feeling. Today waking up, again I was feeling lonely.. Listened to some songs we used to like, it actually made me feel a bit better. Just pampered myself again today and tonight I'm going out again with some friends.

Just wanted to get this of chest. This wasn't my best week, but it's normal to have a setback once in a while... Right?

[Vakantie]

'' I find the best way to cope with it is to remember the reasons you do not want her around, '' Yes I know, but I'm not there yet. When I see her or think of her I just think ''Damn girl you are beautiful!'' or I think of how much fun she is to be around... I have to say in the last couple of days I started to think more about her bad habits, but at the moment I just think of how much I love her...