[sevans1993]

Hello, I'm in a dilemna. We have 3 kids 17, 16, and 12 which brought me to this site. We have taken in a young man whose adopted dad had died(good friend of husbands)and foster mother physically/emotionally abusive- their relationship ended when he was 16-17. He moved in with a family temp for 4 months to finish high school about 1hr away. He is now w/us since he graduated. This has been his refuge off and on since his father's death. He is also my son's best friend. Now having 3 teens in the house and 1 tween he seems to control the day by openly thinking our rules no longer apply to him. We love the kid like our own, he does have respect issues that are like night and day from a couple of yrs ago. A result of him thinking he can do what he wants regardless of what anyone says since he is 18 now - which is immaturity-he wheres 18 as a banner of a rebel. He can not pay all his bills on his own yet... why he is still here. Our own kids are respectful of us- follow our rules.His bad attitude where's thin on them lately. We sat down set guidelines for getting job (he did) pay utilities to where he is staying (he does), pitch in for groceries (sometimes) and to not talk like a sailor in the home or on the job, check in with us, and help boys on the farm from time to time(not happening). We respect his privacy probably too much so. We try discipline like our own kids but he just disappears for a few days. He avoids my husband and plays on my sympathies often. He is mouthing my husband terribly right now- something our other kids wouldn't dare to do. We have provided him with a guest house where he pays utilities only, he hasn't had a vehicle so son/husband are transporting him to and from work, I do his laundry and cook his meals just like I would my own kids but he knows he is a temporary guest until they go off to college. My husband got him a job day 3 of being here. We see the issues. He thinks he should be able to do as pleases- I think the biggest problem is He just leaves for days here or there and doesn't come back or call us to let us know he is OK. We don't know who picks him up or where he is going and he likes it that way lately. We did find out that his birth mom whose been out of prison a yr. has moved within a hour distance and he has been spending time w/her getting rides over there. She has drug issues and has stolen money from him in the past.He refuses to let us meet her-says she's not a good person doesn't want her to know where we live. A couple of times my son drove him to a conveniant store just to avoid us meeting. His birth father in prison for murder. I feel so helpless because we really love this kid. Do we send him off on his own now? He's had so many challenges he has overcome over the years- hard worker,athlete, and respectful for a long time and loving. Yet, he has hit a bump in the road and what to do? First place he will run if our rules get too harsh is to the unhealthy atmosphere- his birth mothers. He may go that direction regardless. We really don't even know where we should enforce rules or not like him leaving so often. I mean he is 18 now.Do we have a right to insist on mtg his birth mother? Inquiring of his whereabouts at 18? We wouldn't tolerate this kind of behavior from our own kids yet they don't have his issues. What to do??

[ballengerb1]

" We have taken in " how so, has DCFS or some agency placed him with you? Sounds like you have a non-rent paying tenant who does not listen to you. You have no right or ability to force him to do anything other than move out, and that would likely require an eviction notice. In the meantime, he is showing your own kids a very bad example and it needs to end

[sevans1993]

No, no DHS involved. Just didn't have a home- no parents no family until his mom got out of prison and he only recently is in touch with her. He asked to stay with us. We gave him our guidelines and the guest house because we've known him since he was little and close to our family. He can't afford rent but I get the point we can't enforce home rules while he's here if he's 18 and doesn't want to listen- seems we just ask him to leave.thanks.:/

[Fr_Chuck]

This is called a free loading bum and you will only teach him that is OK not to have respect by allowing him to do this, and also teach your kids what they can do latter.

You have rules, and they are enforced, he can not come and go, if he does not follow rules, he goes, and does not come back, hard love is often good love, if you want him to really mature to a better person

[sevans1993]

He showed up at 3am this morning at our door -lost his key. First time, I felt it was OK to tell him to turn around go back where he came from and we'll talk to him in the morning.Felt terrible afterwards.My husband and I will give him a final chance to show respect to family and put a little fear into him-no more warnings after this. Hope it works out for the best. Thank you for your input.