[tooold]

I started talking to this guy back in September 2010, I graduated with him from high school, known him for years. We started doing things together, but I wasn't ready for a serious relationship because I just got out of one, I told him we need to see other people, which he agreed. By December 2010, we made decided to make a commitment to each other on December 30, 2010 to only see each other, actually I was happy. He told me he fell in love with me and I fell in love with him. The relationship was going good so I thought.

A girl that I know sold MK makeup, and I wanted to get in touch with her to get some, which I did and actually we actually got along with each other because we have been through the same problems. We were talking and she was telling me about this guy who has been chasing her for a long time, it was the guy I was seeing (we all went to school together she graduated a year behind us) I didn't let her know but I decided to ask him and of course and he said he never was, I believed him.

The girl have been talking maybe 2-3 times a week. She called me up one night and we were talking and she started talking about the guy (my boyfriend)again, how he was sending her messages through FB and sending text on her phone, she had no idea that we were seeing each other. She was telling me that he asked her to go to the movies and she decided to go because people were telling her that he was a nice guy. She went to the movies she said and he he brought her home and he kissed her, and try to do a few things but she said it wouldn't let happen.

I was hearing all this I thought I was going to die, after I got the phone with her, it was eating at me. I tried calling and texting her to give me a call back, which she did the next morning. I told her that I have been seeing him for 5 months, she said she was sorry and she didn't know. I finally talked to him on Thursday and ask him about everything thing-of course he denied it all. I called her and told her that he said it didn't happen, so she forward everything he sent her from FB and from the phone text.

We went out on that Saturday night, and I drank a little too much, and I couldn't have sex because I felt like ****, so I asked him if he loved me because I didn't want him getting upset because I couldn't do it, he went off the deep end because I asked that question. We had a argument, and the next thing I know, I'm getting a text saying my boyfriend just text her and, she asked what he wanted and, he said I want you. This made me mad, I question him again and this time I pulled out the proof and showed it to him, and I said why can't you be honest with me, well he was was but after I showed him the proof.

He said the reason he did that was because I didn't know what I wanted, I didn't back before we got together, but I did when we were together. He always tells me if I didn't want to be with you I wouldn't ***. It was turned around on me, I'm still seeing him, but its eating me alive-should I give him another chance, or let it go?

[Jake2008]

Well, what do you really know about this guy.

For the past six months, you are both in an exclusive relationship. For most people, that means just the two of you, nobody else on the side.

He has cheated on you by pursuing, and dating another girl. He has denied cheating.

By divine intervention, you learn who this girl is; you have proof he is lying, right to your face.

You choose to continue to see him, as though this agreed upon mutual relationship, still stands.

You allow yourself to have your thinking turned around, and believe that he is actually making sense, in telling you that this is all your fault, or that you caused this somehow, or are responsible for his behaviour.

He has not made a sincere effort to be truthful. He doesn't admit to playing by a different set of rules, while expecting you to follow the same rules that you both agreed to when you became exclusive.

He cannot apologize, and he is not taking responsibility for his actions, and he has not indicated that he will change.

So, what do you think you should do.

[tooold]

I know, I do love him. I really want to sit down and discuss things with him, but he gets mad when I ask certain questions and he tells me I'm insecure-how can I not be. What can I do to get him to sit down and listen to what I have to say? I know what I need to do, I just have unanswered questions. I went to high school with him, he was in the group of people we hung around with. He is divorced, just like myself.

[Jake2008]

I think the most basic thing that makes love grow, is trust. That is the common denominator from which all else comes.

Couples committed to trusting each other, can work out differences, and problems that to those without trust, seem insurmountable.

I have seen the worst of breeches of trust with couples. Infidelity, addictions, you name it. But, if there is a solid foundation, and there is trust, many things can be worked through to understanding and forgiveness. If there is no trust, going through the motions without resolve, only builds on resentment, confusion, and further erosion of the relationship.

If you cannot trust your partner to tell the truth, what have you got. So much more is lost by living a lie, than is gained by working on the truth. For both partners.

The next time you have a serious talk with him, lay down the law. Don't waste any more time thinking about him implying that it is you who is insecure, or seeing things wrong, or beating a dead horse. You are the one investing yourself in this relationship, and you have a right to demand the truth.

If you get more of the same, and you're still spinning your wheels, and he is still unable or unwilling to commit truthfully to resolving what he has done, insist on couples counselling. If he refuses to take that step, consider a separation, with no contact, for a period. Maybe a month. Then revisit again, and see if he is serious enough to address these issues.

If, after you have made that effort, and he still remains unchanged and unwilling to make an effort himself, you will have a tough decision to make- but at least it will be an informed one, and you will have done all you can. What else can you do.

Sometimes love, is just not enough.

[Cat1864]

He is living two lives. One with you as his girlfriend and another where he is footloose and fancy-free.

I wouldn't care about the questions because I would have only one answer for them all-good bye.

Do you really love him or are you in love with being in a relationship? Not wanting to be alone or admit to making a mistake is understandable especially after one major break up (your divorce.) However, it does not make you a failure or mean that there is something wrong with you if you dump a controlling two-timing manipulative player.

Yes, he is controlling and manipulating you by using anger. You ask or say something he doesn't like or want to face, here comes the tantrum leaving you feeling like you did something wrong. Next time, you think twice about saying something to him because you are afraid of his reaction.

You know about this woman (and she now knows about you), but how many others are there? Why stick around and find out?

Love yourself more than you love him. Since he doesn't respect you or the relationship, respect yourself and your relationship with yourself and let him find someone else to play his blame game with.

You deserve so much better than what he is giving you. Give yourself a chance to heal and work through the lessons learned from this relationship. Then you will find someone who wants to be with you and only you.

[tooold]

Thank you, this really did help

[amicon]

Sorry,but why stay with a cheat and a liar?

Can you not see all the red flags indicating even more heartbreak in the future?

What advice would you give a friend in the same situation?

Please be honest with yourself and realise that you shouldn't be in a relationship where you are not respected-nor loved.

[tooold]

Yes I am afraid to say anything to him because anytime I try to speak how I feel, it's being insecure or not knowing what I what, and that's not the case. I was always taught to speak your feelings not hold them in. Then I always hear if I didn't love you, I wouldn't be with you.

[BK201]

You cannot trust him at least in this matter. Even if you forgive him this time, this kind of behaviour is hard to change. You don't want to be heart broken again do you? The next time, even is he talks to some girl, it will be hard for you to trust him and it will eat you alive. And he can never agree to loose his friends just because you cannot tolerate it. Try this mate, ask him if he can stop going after that girl or any other girl. I doubt if he would do that. If someone cannot commit and be honest to you, then he is not the one for you.

[talaniman]

You don't stay with a lying cheater, nor question why he does what he does. You run for the hills and disappear from his life.

[BK201]

Ok. We shall go around by your way, no regrets. He gets mad and does not want to answer your questions, because, he knows that you are dependent on him, and he knows that you need him. To get him to sit down and listen to you, tell him that you are going to stop everything until he listens. He will not do it either. Then give him a teaser by stop talking to him a day or so. He will definitely ask you what's going on. Then tell him (until then no contacts), he has two options, either sit and talk to you, or its not going to work out. Show him that you are not dependent and you have yourself esteem, and you don't deserve a split person.

[tooold]

I will do this starting today

[jessi72]

Honey, you sound really young:) this guy has got to go.. no second chance, no "i love you's"... nothing. Stop and think for a moment: do you honestly see yourself with him in 5 years? Having his kids, doing his dishes while he's facebooking some other muchacha? There are some things that you need to take into consideration right now> 1. It is possible you do not love him, you're just infatuated and horny over him
2. it is possible you'll obsess over him for a while because the other girl has his attention, but this does not mean you love him, it's just the lollipop she grabbed from your hand:)
3. it is possible for you to open your eyes and see what a jerk he really is. It is very helpful to read some of the posts other people put up here and document yourself objectively about other jerks, as well.
Best of luck... you'll need it. To be honest I don't think you'll do any of the things I put up here:)

[Cat1864]

I really do not see anything to talk out.

He knew you were in an exclusive/committed relationship with him when he started asking MK (something to call the other woman) out. He blames you for his actions by saying that he didn't know if you were in the relationship (he wasn't and that is enough to know.) He was still 'dating' (or trying to) her after he knew that you knew. He kept it up until you rubbed his nose in it. Through all of this he has shown anger management problems and an inability to communicate.

I don't think MK will be the only woman he plays around with. I hope she has cut him off cold. However, it will probably mean that he will find someone else to play with.

I will say that I would probably give different advice if he had stopped after the first time you asked him about MK or if he was not showing a tendency toward anger as a means of manipulation. However, he didn't and he is. Too many brightly flashing warning signs for me to say 'try to work it out.'

Take care of yourself.

[tooold]

No actually I'm not young, but I was married for a long time. I just didn't realize men acted like this even at an older age.

[amicon]

Well some people do,never mind their age.

Anything else you want to update us on?