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Bambi22 · Jun 9, 2011, 06:32 AM

Hi there I'm bambi and I have a real dilemma :(
I noticed my man becoming distant and not interested in sex the last few months where as he'd been very tactile in that way in the past.I knew something was wrong and tried speaking to him about this,and so I thought we'd sorted things and I was making more of an effort to be more spontaneous and surprise him when he came home.then I find he's been watching porn as soon as I'm not around and still isn't initiating any intimacy at all.he's so reserved and hates talking about things.I've really tried for the last 2 weeks to be more up for it but still he won't kiss or cuddle me properly or initiate sex.
I really don't know what to do,I've been chasing him for 4 years and we've only been together 8 months and he's 13 years older than me.no relationship for 12 years,no marriage or kids.is it me?? Help :((

talaniman · Jun 9, 2011, 04:50 PM

Has he ever initiated anything during the 4 years of chasing him?

Do you live together? How old is he? Was he watching porn before, or is this something new?

Bambi22 · Jun 10, 2011, 01:47 AM

Hi,he would always text when he was feeling alone or had a few drinks.nothing suggestive but nice,almost life type questions.
He's 37,we don't officially live together but I stay 5 nights a week.I've asked him about the porn and the answer I got told me he'd watched it before I came along.
Just don't know what to do for the best?

Oh I forgot to say if ever we were on a night out together in those 4 years,we always went home together,his suggestion.

talaniman · Jun 10, 2011, 11:54 AM

I don't think this is about the porn to be honest but do see a period of adjustments to be made, and communications into other areas of the relationship strengthened through those communications.

Reality, changes things all the time in a relationship, and the only way of keeping up, and recognizing how to handle those changes and working through them together, is through honest communications, as you both are still learning each other on a different level.

If you are distracted by your own feelings, or reactions to those changes, you will fail to be able to see what it takes to build on the mental, emotional, and physical, and spiritual aspects that must be worked on to enhance the physical. You live together now, and lust may have carried you through 4 years so far, but the honeymoon is over, and the true work to get connected on many levels is what's in front of you.

Communicating is the only way I know of to build, and define where you both have taken this thing and where you are going with it, over time. Most couples fail because they grow apart, and not together because they are unable to resolve issues through honest communications, and a lack of intimacy/sex is only a symptom of a greater issue in another part of the relationship. Lack/or changing sex, or intimacy can always be taken personally by the partner that doesn't understand why things have changed, and be distracted from the real issues that need to be addressed.

Make love to each others minds, to get on the same page, as you did with your bodies before, and define what has to be done, so my advice is to pay less attention to the porn/sex, and a lot more in how your partners mind works. No doubt he has thoughts you need to know, and you have thoughts he needs to know. That's what communications is, talking, LISTENING, honesty, and a whole lot of patience. Most of us don't even know what's on our minds, let alone how to express it.

Just give some thought to what else is going on in both your lives, and get FACTS, to go along with the feelings. Takes time, but you have plenty of it.

Bambi22 · Jun 11, 2011, 09:40 AM

Thanks for the advice. However I am so very observant with him that I instantly know when he's OK and when he's not. I'm really really trying to communicate and listen but he just won't talk to me about anything he feels needs addressing.he lets it play on his mind until I bring it up.
Not a lot else I can do apart from go off and so my own thing more and hope he misses me more??
I guess I'm just a typical woman trying to find the best way to get what I need from but making sure I'm giving him what he needs to.however when he won't tell me what's wrong so I can do that,it is very frustrating and very difficult.
I need him to trust me with his heart and get into this relationship properly. I think deep down I'm worried that this is too much for him even though I paid it out from the start as an all or nothing policy because I have known all along that I want him to be my future. Is he just finding out what he really wants?is it me?

talaniman · Jun 11, 2011, 10:01 AM

Back up, you are pushing to hard for what you want. You are still in a learning growing process, and very slow is the way to go. Easier to see what's up, and make adjustments at a nice slow easy pace.

PATIENCE, and BALANCE, just do your own thing, and stop looking to change his, and keep the mind open as you both will discover things about each other you might not like 100%.

What's the hurry?