[kleenex123]

Sorry this is going to be long. But I really need help. Please. And thanks. ;(

My boyfriend and I met in June 2010, and had feelings for each other. He went back to another country to continue his studies. We text everyday.

Things went on pretty steadily until August, two days before he came back, I went clubbing with a bunch of my friends after a lot of pestering. It was my first time going clubbing. I refused to drink at first but gave in in the end after my friends kept forcing me. After drinking a bit, under the influence of alcohol, I became unaware that I continued on drinking. In total, I drank about 3 small bottles of beer. There were 3 boys, and 5 girls including me. My friends and I went to the dancefloor and I was never exposed to stuffs like these, therefore I just stuck with another girl friend and had our hands on each others' shoulders and swing around. We were never left alone, not even for one second. We didn't interact with any strangers. We went there merely for exposure's sake. After that, we went out of the club and I tripped and fell down. Therefore, two boy friends who had more strength had my arms over their shoulders and supported me up. To stand straight and to make sure I am standing already. Then, a boy friend of ours took out the camera & started talking pictures. Coincidences do happen, earlier on, he took a picture of me which looked like I was enjoying myself, dancing; and a picture of that two boy friends holding onto me. For both incidents which happened merely for seconds. Just my luck. He then posted it on his blog and my boyfriend saw it. My boyfriend was very disturbed & bothered by that fact but he kept it to himself. I was from a Christian family and I've never allowed physical contact with any other guys. Nothing happened that night. I did not do anything which I shouldn't. Besides going clubbing & consuming alcohol. (I admit fault for two of this. I terribly regretted.) I've sought my parents' permission before going clubbing & they allowed, for exposure's sake. They trust that I won't be like other girls out there who allow physical intimacy with guys. After this incident, in December, he asked me to be his girlfriend & of course, I agreed. Since we have already been going on steady for half a year. He's considered my first boyfriend. He's the first person I've cuddled with, kiss, and made love with. (Although it wasn't his first. Before he met me, he had 6 exs before and lost his first kiss & made out with them before. One of them, to the extend that the girl had rubbed against his private part before.) However we lost our virginity to each other.

Another incident was that, two weeks after we got together, we went to a resort with a bunch of friends and there was this guy who can't stop talking. It was in my nature to care for every single person. So, every time that guy talked to me, I just responded. That guy was more or less an attention seeker(I think?). He kept sitting on the floor when more than 10 of us(mixture of girls and boys) were on the bed. I thought the floor was dirty so I kept asking him to go on the bed. At that time, I was on the bed, cuddling with my boyfriend. (He feels neglected but he didn't let me know. And I didn't notice too. I was considered never a girlfriend to anyone that's why I didn't know how to consider their feelings so much.) That same night, my boyfriend & I took another room connected to our friends' room & we made out in there on the bed. Our first making out session. My first. The following morning, I went over to the friends' room and saw that attention seeker guy sleeping on the floor because there were nowhere for him to sleep. Thus, I asked him to join me & my boyfriend in the other room. Boyfriend was still sleeping so I didn't move him, just slept in the middle. After a while, the guy was hungry and asked me to go for breakfast with him. I thought we could have a quick one and be back before boyfie's awake. Before leaving, I text boyfie and told him where I'm going, with who, and I'll be back shortly. Apparently I was a lousy girlfriend who didn't know how to consider his feelings. I didn't think he'd feel that bad about it.

This two incidents, he could never forget them. He holds them against me since then until today. The clubbing incident disturbs him all the time as he feels that other guys must have touched me before during that night. But in fact, nobody did. I've explained to him what exactly happened that night but he still gets disturbed like once in two-three days.

Another thing is that, my mum is someone who doesn't mind exposing her cleavage when dressing. Naturally, I was brought up to be like her. Although I never deliberately expose, occasionally a little bit of my cleavage would appear. He never told me that he dislikes it until we were together for a few months. If he told me, I would have been cautious & alert and ensure I don't expose anything. I used to have a Facebook profile picture which was cleavage-exposing and that time, he commented gorgeous on it. But now, he told me that he was actually disturbed & bothered. He keeps getting disturbed by the fact that other guys have seen it. Since he told me, I was alert & cautious in the sense of dressing already.

Tell me what should I do. The clubbing incident is the main concern. He gets disturbed over it everyday. I can tell that he loves me a lot & doesn't want to lose me. But he just gets disturbed all the time. I really don't know what else can I do. I don't want to lose him. Honestly, I've made love with him and as a Christian, virginity matters a lot to me. To me, he's already the only person I want to marry. If we parted up, I wouldn't get a boyfriend anymore. I really don't know what else can I do. I love him a lot. Both our parents are supportive of our relationship. Next year, I'll be going over to where he is to pursue tertiary education. But if he still gets disturbed, it'd really be hell for me. Maybe we should part up? I don't know. I'm helpless. I don't want to lose him no matter what.

Please give me advises.

Thanks!

[BK201]

I read the long story from the external link. Thanks for making it elaborate. Not judging anyone, but from what you say, this is what I can think of your boyfriend. Guess you can't compare him with anyone when it comes to taking care of you. He must be really sweet in that. But the problem here is, he thinks only about himself when he gets hurt, and doesn't try to see the reality. But this can be solved with some talking. Bet it will take some long talking, involving everything from the past. Let him know how much it hurts when he doubts you like that. Ask him not to keep things in mind and carry forward, which is a very very bad habit with some boys. Put a rule that problems should be solved by talking whenever stuff happen, and should never be carried forward. If this doesn't work, then you would have to go forth with stern measures, which I would let you know if required. Wish you good luck.

Oh, by the way, going over there at this situation when things are not clear is not a wise idea.

[kleenex123]

Hi BK201,
Thanks so much for for you read the long story. Appreciate that. I've been reassuring him all the time constantly and I've been repeating the same things over and over again. However he just said the he feels, disgusted. He said that the skimpy picture is unacceptable because I look wasted, drunk, and don't even know about what's happening. And he's like, "you're a girl, why can't you care about your reputation? Even if you can't, do care about mine alright?" and he said, "probably i don't deserve you. i don't love you enough, in return for your love you have for me. i'm not saying that i want to leave. but if you want me to, i'm happy to do so, since, i was never good enough for you.. let me know if you want me to do so alright? love you."
I really don't know what else can I do. It's been haunting us for more than half a year. This is totally tormenting. I won't mind if the condition is gradually improving, but it isn't. It seems like he choose to brood over the past.

[BK201]

I bet you would want this relation to work out, so I'm saying this. Else I would say you deserve someone much better. What sign he is showing now is, I want to move on. But he wants it to happen from your end. He doesn't want to it to get initiated from his end.
1. Did you offer him that you would delete those pics and you would listen to what he says?
2. How old are you both? Engagement and marriage is a good solution here because these kind of men are bound to responsibilities and would like to look good in soceity's eyes.

[kleenex123]

We're both only 17. But our parents have met each other and we have went for family vacations together. We are planning to get engaged already. I don't know what does he want. I stopped replying but he kept calling and texting and asked if I'm all right and said that he loves me and what not. I strongly believe that he does love me a lot a lot but this incident just haunts him too badly. But point is I really hadn't do anything which had betray him. We've made love with each other, lost our virginity to each other. He too had a past which was much worse before he met me but he just kept banging on the point that clubbing incident was after we had something on. But I really didn't cheat on him or betray him. I feel that I'm out of ways to save this relationship. There'll always be stg between us. I'm really helpless. However, if I broke up with him I won't get another boyfriend another as we've made love. I'd be "contaminated" - if we broke up. I can't accept making love with two persons. So I just want this relationship to work out. I don't know what can I do. Ignore him for a few days to think about it? I don't know.. This isn't any puppy love thing we're both really really serious. He just can't bear to think of the "filthy" picture.

[BK201]

Ignore him for a few days will not do any good. If you stop talking to him, he will come back to you and he will even beg to have you back. Once you go back, he will go back to the haunting thing.
Making this relationship work would need some sacrifice from your end.
You have to tell him that you would do anything for him (not just to make this relation work because you have slept together). Then tell him you need an answer because you can't keep on going like this. If he is not ready or clear in the answer, then tell him u are going to stop talking to him and stop. He will come back to you doubling up. Get the answer then. He sure will answer. He won't let you go. Making this relationship would definitely need some sacrifice like giving up you freedom a little bit, guess he might even ask you to stop talking to your friends. At what age are you planning to get engaged?

[kleenex123]

He knows it well that I'd do everything and anything for him. I've stopped talking to guy friends & even most girl friends. What I do everyday now is basically, going to school, come home, go on skype and do my work in front of skype, and go for tuition when I need to. I don't even hang out/go out often now. What else could I do... :(
He bought me tickets to go over in a week's time and we've planned to buy our own engagement rings then. Maybe about 300$ for one & engrave on it. He's acting okay now. Being real sweet and stuffs again. I really don't know what does he want. After buying it, we'll just put it on already as we're mentally married in a way. It's just the age which is stopping us. We've planned to have the actual engagement done once we're done with uni, and then go back to our hometown & work and get married a few years later.

But honestly, I wouldn't be able to take it if he condemns me with this every two-three days. Things are always okay when we're physically together but now that we're in a LDR, I dare not risk because we're too far away to patch things up after an argument.

I need an answer. But I don't know how could I get it. Or should I wait until I'm already there, then if he brings it up again, I'll leave? I don't know... :(

[BK201]

Mmm yes that's a good one. You should wait until you get there. Leave him a clear message that if he brings it up again you are leaving then and there. A clear message mate. He should know that he is thinking too much, and only about him. Give your best shot in getting the answer. But make sure you get the clear answer, not just a so so answer, then carry on again with the same stuff. Do not go wishywashy if he cries or begs, stern, stubborn. If there is a common friend make him announce the answer in front of the witness, because I'm afraid of something of something else too. Because of the young age. Don't worry, everything is for the good, I bet you have a lot of faith in God. Do your best (which you are doing already, there is not a single point to blame you), and leave the rest to him and God.

[kleenex123]

Thanks so much. I guess I'll just have to endure with it for the moment before I get there. I don't want him to think about it and get all depressed again. It kills me to see him being disturbed. I actually thought of leaving for his welfare. Thanks so much. If he still brings it up after I get there, I would just leave him & focus on my studies over there. I don't mind staying single for life. God is with me anyway. Thank you, BK201, so much.

[BK201]

You are welcome kleenex123. Good luck, and keep posted in the future if you need any answer. Have a good day

[JudyKayTee]

I read the full story - there is a LOT more involved to this than too much to drink and some photographs. You seem conflicted - you say you are Christian (with Christian morals and beliefs - "God is with [you]") but you are 17, drinking (probably illegally) to the point of intoxication and having sex with your boyfriend. If you were as "wasted" as you say I doubt you clearly remember the details of the night which has upset your boyfriend.

He either talks to you about it or he doesn't. You can explain until you literally turn blue. Your ACTIONS from now on will determine the course of your relationship.

[kleenex123]

He just told me a story about his schoolmates raping girls at parties after the girls are wasted and here's our conversation.

All right dear. Its fine. Dw :)
That's the reason why I'm like so harsh and sensitive on you not going to these sort of places?
Its because I've heard so much and seen so much tahts why I don't want you to end up like those victims.
So innocent.
Yes, your reason might be for exposure... but there might be guys there who aren't there for exposure. They want to get laid. That's their motive. That's why I was so angry when you said you got drunk or wasted or whatever your condition is. You say that no one touched you that night and stuff, OK I trust you. And I know you were there with a bunch of friends, and you were constantly with them, never left them..
But its just... I don't know? Haha. I just don't want to see my own girlfriend ending up like those innocent girls who go there just for leisure or fun. And ended up like that. :)love you. *as I was typing* baby, don't need to type so long. I don't think it'll help much anyway. Its been bugging me for like what, more than half a year already. If it was meant to be forgotten, I'd have forgotten it long ago. :)

Yeap I understand this. That's why I'll never ever go again, trust me on this. I'm sorry for going, truly am. If I knew you didn't want me to go, I wouldn't have gone. I care about what you think, a lot. Since day 1 when you told me that you didn't like me to expose anything(be it intentional or unintentional), I've became really really cautious and alert about it and I've considered like ten times before wearing anything already. And since day 1 when you told me you feel neglected that I text(with girls) when we're together, I've stopped texting her whenever I'm with you. Minor stuffs like that, but these do show that I do care right? I really do care a lot baby. I'm really thankful to God that I have someone who cares so much for me, baby. I just hope you understand that we weren't as close that time and I didn't really know what's on your mind. If only I knew, I'd avoided everything which would make you disturbed, even by a tiny. I don't want that. I was really blunt & insensitive, and as I've told you before, I was never actually in a relationship with somebody and I don't know the correct way to treat my boyfriend right. No doubt they have gave you a number of 30 of guys who they think used to have something on with me. But the truth is, there wasn't. I could tell you the truth that I was merely friends with all of them. They were some of them who were after me but I've made it very clear that we're only friends. Out of the thirty, I wouldn't hide this truth from you, the only two persons who I've liked were A & B. and with the both of them, our communication is only through texting and msn. That's why, I really didn't know how to consider all those elements that I have to care about someone's feeligns and stuffs. All I knew is that I love you a lot a lot a lot but I didn't know a relationship isn't just about love. There were too many elements which I've failed to consider, just because I was unexperienced. I know that doesn't give me an excuse to be insensitive, but I don't know either. I really didn't mean to let you down in any sense, in any where. I'm sorry that I haven't been perfect, but I really have been loving you with my best. And I'm trying to be the perfect one to you. I'm really trying very very hard, baby.

[kleenex123]

In need of your words again, BK201. :(

[BK201]

Yes Kleenex123, Im here, any updates?

[BK201]

Please give me some time to read it. Thanks

[kleenex123]

He replied this.

All right dear. Just wished that none of these ever happened. Thought you were smart enough to be sensitive enough to know not to go, because I've told you about my past, and you know how much I regretted it. I thought you'd treat that as a living example, to learn from and not to go to those type of places. Fair enough, you know why I didn't stop you from going? For three reasons: firstly, I thought you were smart enough not to go, as I've mentioned earlier, I thought you were intelligent and rational enough to not go. Secondly, fair enough, you went... I was disapppointed to be honest. When I learnt that you wanted to go. Fair enough, you went.. and I trusted you that you wouldn't drink. You never mentioned to me before that you drink. So, I just accepted the fact that you went and not drink. Don't tell me there was nothing else to drink there. You can choose not to drink. And you told me you were forced to dirnk and forced to go. I won't buy that OK? Part of you, definitely wants to go. If not, you won't willingly follow them there. Besdies, they even stayed at yr house the night after clubbing. So yea. Hospitaliity. And lastly, if you did drink, I thought you'd know your boundaries and everything. I thought you'd know your limits to when to stop drinking. And what's worse is, you exaggerated the drunk-ness. You acted hyper intentionally. I don't see the reason why for. I don't know how and when I'm going to forget about this. Oh by the way, I've seen picts of you and the group at the club on Facebook. Think it was posted by your friend. Not sure if its still around. Just saying. Love you. Sorry that I'm appearing offline because I can't hold back my tears. Sorry that I'm crying now. You say you're hurt whenever I insult you and stuff.. but I'm equally as hurt. Can't hold back my tears any longer. It breaks my heart to see these things done by you..

By the way, sorry for bringing up the things which I heard myself, and get disturbed after that.. sorry. I'm terribly sorry. Its not that I want too as well. When I'm not happy, you're not happy as well. And I don't believe that our relationship is transparent as we say it is.. I'm not doubting. But I believe, some things are made up.. not all. But some. Just to make it sound better.. love you.


I really don't know what else can I do anymore... I didn't reply him...

[kleenex123]

Thank you so much for being here for me. ;(

[kleenex123]

I went after seeking permission from mummy & daddy and I drank because friends in a way forced me to drink. And they stayed at my house because parents think that it's only safe if I return home after that. And about the exaggerated drunkness part, I was just under the influence of alcohol and I got hyper that's why I blurted out everything. And even the pictures posted by my friend, there were nothing wrong with them I really didn't have any physical contact with anyone... ;( BK201!! ;( I can't help but to cry I didn't reply him I don't know what to reply... ;(

[BK201]

All right, read this, what are we looking for, in this conversation kleenex123?

[BK201]

Oh sorry, now let me read this, and reply after that.