[The Captain]

I've been dating this girl for the past 3 months... she had just finished with her ex of 1yr and I met her a couple of weeks after. We met once a week, as her working hours and mine were pretty different, but we talked/text most days. Initially, she wanted to be friends... which is not what I wanted... but I had feeling she liked me and in time, it could develop into more.
I was being very "cagey", always kissed her on the cheek... never made any romantic gestures, apart from going to romantic places... she eventually made the first move (kissing)... then once I realised that she was keen... I started to be more tactile etc...
Anyway, 2 months into the relationship... she told me that she met her ex (I knew about the ex)... I also knew that they had planned many things... they had booked concert tickets, soccer tickets etc... so the first time they met was to go to a soccer match... he also invited her to the Champions League final... but I asked her to watch it with me... and she chose me... they have one more event to go to, as it's her favourite band... which is fair enough...
She says it's over, but obviously he wants back... and he missed her etc... all the usual texts (I've been in his situation before) so I can see where he is coming from... I really did not say much... never told her not to go etc... played it really cool... but as I have become closer to her... it's making me feel uncomfortable... I'm pretty sure this is the last meeting (with regards tickets he had booked)... with experience I now have the mentality... if she wants me she will be with me, if not then she'll move on or move back to the ex... nevertheless, still a hard concept to practice.
Am I doing the right things... playing it cool... but stressing inside...
A lot of her friends, say that we make a good couple, but they were anti him (he's a great guy)... but he's 30yrs her senior...
Just wanted to get this off my chest...

Life was simple 3 months ago when I was single...
Regards.

[Wondergirl]

Wow! She's got a good thing going!

Once the two of them attend this last event, she will dump the ex and romantically connect with you?

[amicon]

She isn't over the ex-as she started seeing you before she had healed from that break up.

She isn't over the ex-as she is still seeing him.

I think you back off and let this go.

[The Captain]

So I assume you think I'm being naïve... she has already dumped him... but it was not on bad terms. Well I guess things will be clearer on Thursday.
So what would you suggest I do... tell her don't go? All I said to her was that I feel uncomfortable... I would never tell someone what to do... they should better... but if they have no more feelings... then for them it's cool.

When I broke up with my ex of 3 yrs, well I wanted to meet her to get her back... and we did spend some time together... but she was clearly not interested anymore... the problem is when she still is unsure... I guess?


Amicon - so in what way do I back off... do I stop calling / texting?
Do I stop arranging dates?

[amicon]

Well,yes,and tell her why you're doing it.

[The Captain]

Should I not wait until their "supposed" last meeting... and if it continues after that... then I back off?

[Wondergirl]

Should I not wait until their "supposed" last meeting....and if it continues after that...then I back off?

How will you know if their relationship continues?

[The Captain]

Well she has been honest every time plus there was no way of me finding out. So why tell me, if she wants to deceive me? I was understanding about these 2 occasions... but I will make it clear that anymore is not really appropriate. I have not said don't or you can't or I don't want you too. But after this one, I'll be a little more up front, yet diplomatic.

[Wondergirl]

But after this one, I'll be a little more up front, yet diplomatic.

What does THAT mean? You'll continue to be a doormat?

[The Captain]

Meaning... if she feels that she has to see him, then I'll move on... but I'll ask her that's she should stop agreeing to see him.

[Wondergirl]

meaning....if she feels that she has to see him, then I'll move on....but I'll ask her that's she should stop agreeing to see him.

You're being too generous. "Ask her"? She's in control?

[The Captain]

Well you can't force someone. My gut feeling is that it will either be the end of their communication on Wednesday or they'll decide to get back... end of the day, from what I know of him, he's not one to beg etc... I guess he's "lucky" that it's her favourite band... and she declined to go to the football final 2 weeks ago, as I said we can watch it together...

[Wondergirl]

Well you can't force someone.

I'm sort of hoping YOU will take control of the situation -- and your life.

[talaniman]

I have to tell you guy, it was a lousy idea to invest your time and affection with someone who had just gotten out of a long term relationship. Obviously they still have unfinished business together. And she hasn't had a chance at a proper healing to be ready for a healthy adult relationship, so she can be a good partner.

Its also a big red flag that she is allowing him a chance to get her back. Now she may be playing a cruel game with him, and that in itself a big red flag, as to her character.

What's even worse and the biggest red flag of all is, that you have allowed this behavior, and been passive about it, and even condoned it, instead of making it clear that you have no time for this nonsense. And it is nonsense.

Sorry guy, but since you got in it, you can get out of it, if you so choose, but be aware that if you continue with her, then whatever happens will be your fault, not hers. You have seen enough in 3 months to take a risk, or run for the hills.

[Jake2008]

Have you just asked her during conversations if she still has feelings for this other guy, and will their time together be over after the last outing they have planned- the concert? Does she know you have strong feelings for her and that you are hoping for a solid relationship with her? Does she know it bothers you that she is still seeing her ex?

While you worry about her ex pursuing her, and what she is going to do, why aren't you trying harder to be more clear as to what your intentions are? It almost seems that he cares too much, and you don't care enough. At least in what you say, and do.

Could it be that she has been waiting for a clear signal from you? Perhaps she doesn't think you are that interested if you are just stitting back being so cool, calm, and collected about everything. Which would make her ex seem that much more of a 'sure' thing.

And as Tal has said, perhaps she is just not ready to jump into another relationship so soon after the last- if the last one is over completely, even now. That too is not clear.

My advice to you, before the concert happens, is to arrange a face to face sit down with this girl. Tell her honestly and openly how you feel about her; that you want a solid relationship with her, and whether she is still interested romantically with her ex, or planning to get back with him.

If you don't know what she's thinking, and she doesn't know what you're thinking- how will you really know what's going on, and what to expect.

[The Captain]

Tal - It's my own fault... and I saw it coming and to be honest for the first 2 months I took it pretty casual... we were not really intimate and I only say her once a week... my birthday was coming up and I kept it pretty quiet (I don't really celebrate them much, 37 now)... but a week before I mentioned it to her, and suggested we do something together... I booked my favourite restaurant. It was her gestures, which won me over and kind of made me look at her seriously after that day...
It's pretty normal for someone who has been dumped to want to get back... I did it to no avail a few years ago... so the ex is doing what's natural to him. When she told me she went to the game with him, it was weird... I felt uneasy... and she said that she will also go to the concert... and he also invited her to the Champions League final... but I suggested we see the game together... and she was fine with it.
I was passive... because I don't want to tell someone what to do... however after tomorrow night, I will make it clear that it's not "appropriate" to continue with the ex... and she has been ignoring his mails (from what she says)...
But you are right, I should have not have got involved from the start... but now I am... and I do like her... so I guess all will be clearer in a couple of days...

[The Captain]

Jake - I asked her all of this when she initially told me that she was going to see him a couple of times... I asked her is it over etc... and she said yes. The reason for the break-up was silly... I'm surprised... basically she was at his house and she spotted in his computer's bin a picture of one of her friends... she asked him how it got there and he lied... and it looked worse than it was etc... They met on a website and once they broke up, he was back on there immediately talking to other girls... and she knew his password etc... and saw the messages and fully realised that it was over... plus a lot of her friends told her after she left him that he was too old for her... her mum was relieved etc... so do I think she has feelings, possibly... but she's only interested in this concert.
I also told her, once I found out about their meetings, that she needs to think a little, as I'm falling if not already fallen for her... and she was happy and since then we have got closer... so she knows about my feelings!
I don't want to mention it to her anymore... as I have done it a few times... and don't want to seem too needy... she asked me to do something... and I said I'll wait until Thursday... and she said why Thursday... and I said, it will be the day after meeting your ex... and she laughed and said don't be silly... so she knows I want her...

It's just an uncomfortable feeling inside... as one's mind begins to think stupid thoughts...

[talaniman]

3 months is way to soon to get carried away by feelings for a stranger. Its way to soon to even be exclusive, so I can see how you would not want to come on strongly and be controlling. I get all that, and I get intense feelings of attraction. That's well and good.

But trusting a stranger with my heart before I knew that they deserved it, or knew what to do with it, NO WAY!

Further, I just never get deeply involved with any one that had a ex they were still dealing with. I just don't. Who needs that kind of drama? To many females out here that are compatible, and with less baggage, and drama to be stuck on one.

Casual maybe. Exclusive, never, not without a lot more being known about them.

[The Captain]

The latest development...
Well she called me last night saying that she's not going to go with him, instead can I come... apparently he said let's have dinner before the concert and then after the concert we can go back to my house... she said no to the going back to his house part... and he said I'm not coming then (this is a 57yr old man)... I guess he still believes inhis head that they are an item... so I guess that does bode well... unless anything happens in the next 6 hours... I'll be going to the concert.
So does this change things in your minds about the situation?

[mystific]

Bit of a late comer here but.. you're investing far too much of yourself, mentally, into something that doesn't appear to have much of a positive outcome.

Although she appears to 'choose' you over him.. he is still on the scene and she hasn't completely let him go.

If she was she really would let sleeping dogs lie and move on.. but he is still a consideration in things that they 'used' to do together.

Why don't you just back off from the situation until she sorts herself out and don't become so committed to a 'relationship' with her and go from there. I agree with Tal, keep it casual.

Just off the record :: Liverpool for Premier Champs :: next season!