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boolove · Jun 2, 2011, 09:06 AM

My boyfriend and I have been together a little over 4 years. We are together all the time. I rent an apartment literally 4 minutes from the home he owns. He recently started to re-do his house and I've bascially picked out everything from the wood floors to the paint on the walls. Here is my dilema: I am scared to ask him to move in. I've mentioned it a few times to him kind of in a joking way, "make room for me, i am moving in!".. and he always responds in the same joking way, like, "your moving out!". I am very scared of rejection, and I already feel like he's rejected me in a way. I pay about $1,000 per month in rent and utilities for an apartment I barely live in. We don't really talk about future things, like living together and marriage. I don't know if I should just wait around for him to ask me (I am also waiting for a ring too). I don't want to be pushy or give him ultimatiums. I just feel so comfortable in his home, and would like to make it "our" home. I am just kind of at a loss. Any advice would help.

talaniman · Jun 2, 2011, 10:10 AM

You have been together for 4 years, and don't know what the future brings? Unacceptable, and I think you keep your own thing going, and stay independent of him all together. You must have a lot of stars in your eyes, and be really comfortable to be exclusive for 4 years, and just coasting along. Why should he have you move in when you are available enough, and go home enough for him to be really comfortable with the way things are. Why change what works (for HIM! )?

Cat1864 · Jun 2, 2011, 10:35 AM

Are there any issue from either of your pasts that is affecting your relationship now? Things like bad break ups or divorces? Has he ever shown signs of being as afraid as you are of rejection?

I am going to suggest that you find a quiet time and place and talk to him. Let him know what you are feeling. It is nice to help him with his place, but in a way it is becoming a monument to insecurity about the future. Don't try to confront him or get concrete answers about moving in together in any form. Do find out if he is on the same path you are.

What ever the answers are, positive or negative, it is better than not knowing and letting the insecurity build.

You know if you felt strong enough about it, you can propose to him.

boolove · Jun 2, 2011, 11:00 AM

Thank you for your answers! We have a big age difference in our relationship. He is 44 and I am 25. He was married once before and has been divorced for 15 years. I did cheat on him the first year in our relationship, which I told him about. That has caused a huge trust issue. For the past 3 years I have been trying to build our relationship back up, to a point which I feel I was semi-succesful in doing so. But he knows where I stand, and he knows I want to move in, get married, have kids, etc.

I am very in love and I don't want to lose him.

I wouldn't propose to him.. I am a traditional kind of gal ;)

talaniman · Jun 2, 2011, 04:51 PM

How about waiting for marriage before you think about moving in as he seems quite comfortable, and content with the arrangements as they are.

You would be hard pressed to make a guy change something that works so well as is. I mean why should he risk yet another divorce, when just having a girlfriend is enough, with no responsibility of kids, at his age.

You may have a goal for the future, but he sure doesn't share in it. Does he have kids already?

boolove · Jun 2, 2011, 05:02 PM

Yes. He has a daughter a few years younger than myself. We have talked about kids though, and he WOULD like to have at least one more. Things are very comfortable between us, and maybe I made them too comfortable. Not sure how to reverse it..

boolove · Jun 10, 2011, 11:20 PM

My boyfriend of 4 years tells me he can't stand me all the time. Very hurtfull :(

adviceishere · Jun 11, 2011, 12:05 AM

This is a question and answer board, do you have a question?

amicon · Jun 11, 2011, 07:16 AM

Dump him!

He's abusing you.

talaniman · Jun 11, 2011, 01:48 PM

This is the guy you want to move in with and have his babies?? I don't think so!

I think you can find a better choice than him.

Cat1864 · Jun 11, 2011, 08:20 PM

Did you ask him what he meant by saying that he 'can't stand' you all the time or did you allow yourself to react without thinking or questioning? Communication is asking for clarification when something is said that seems very hurtful that may not have been meant as such.

No one can stand another person all the time. Sometimes, no matter how much we love someone, we don't want to be around them.

Do you have any interests other than him and his house?

Individuals in a relationship do need 'me' time. They should not be each other's sole source of support and entertainment.

You both need time with friends or just by yourself doing things that you enjoy that perhaps the other person doesn't.