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needshelp85 · May 31, 2011, 10:54 AM

I'm somewhat new to this rule and I'm wondering whether it should be used in my situation. I was in a healthy and loving relationship that just recently ended. However, this outcome wasn't exactly wanted by either person. My sig/other's mother recently found out about our relationship and she strongly disapproved of it, making my sig/other feel guilty for being with me. Although she knew she shouldn't, she couldn't help but feel guilty and started getting extreme anxiety over it. She said she needed time alone to figure things out with her mom and to help fix that relationship before she could work on ours. It was very hard for me to understand at first but it didn't take me long to realize I have to let her go to have any chance at having her back. I had a feeling she wanted me to wait for her while she gets things together but she said she couldn't ask me to do that because it wouldn't be fair. But I have decided that I am willing wait, no matter how long. I know this girl is worth it, and spending time apart is only reassuring me of it. It's only been a few days but I haven't contacted her much... I'm scared to push her away but I'm also scared to lose her. Which is why I wonder how much of the no contact rule I should follow, if any.

I told her I was going to wait and she didn't say much. She did say that she loved me very much, how unfair this was and how sorry she is. I told her I understood and that I'd be here for her, whatever she needs. I told her I'd give her space and to please talk to me whenever she felt ready.

Should I completely stop contact now and wait to hear from her?

Or should I keep the space but still attempt to check in on her after a little while?

Because neither of us wanted this I'm not quite sure what the right thing to do is. And obviously my heart is telling me to contact her but my mind is telling me to leave her alone. There's also a small part of me that wants to keep no-contact just to see how long it takes for her to contact me... but I don't know what to do. I'm under the impression that no contact is supposed to be for my well being, for me to get over the relationship and move on. But I'm not sure that's what I want to do. I'm almost sure it's not because the break wasn't... well... wanted, exactly.

Any help or advice is much appreciated.

Thank you.

I wish · May 31, 2011, 12:31 PM

Read this thread carefully: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...nc-510419.html

Re-read it a few times. You'll find which stage you slot in.

Sounds to me that you're not completely ready for 100% no contact. Maybe you need to have a few more conversations with her to clear up some questions in your mind. You might not get all the answers that you're looking for, but at least you'll find out that some questions may not have an answer anyway.

The point of no contact is to heal from your pains. The reason you need to go into no contact is because you feel that by remaining in contact, you can't move on with your life.

needshelp85 · May 31, 2011, 06:02 PM

I feel as if all my "pains" are coming from NC.

I wish · May 31, 2011, 07:45 PM

First off, see the part entitled "No contact does not consist of"

You said:

Originally Posted by needshelp85

Should I completely stop contact now and wait to hear from her?

The first reason why you're suffering is because you still have false hope that you will hear from her. Whether she contacts you or not, you've generated a hope that may never come true, which is setting yourself up for disappointment.

Furthermore, because of this false hope, you're not really in no contact mode, because you're waiting to hear from her. 100% no contact means that you never intend to hear from her.

Then see the third bullet point in the part entitled "Symptoms of NC"

The pain can get worse before it gets better. The other reason why you still feel pain is because you're still constantly thinking about the break up. You haven't gotten proper closure. But closure doesn't always come from the outside. Much of it actually comes from within yourself.

Then see the part entitled "timeline".

You can't put a timeline on when the pain still start getting better. There are many factors to consider. From what you've told us, it sounds to me that you're still in the very early stages of the recovery process.

Unfortunately, "time" is what you need.

Finally, see the third bullet point in the part entitled: "What to look out for"

Try taking a more proactive approach into healing. Instead of sulking about the break up, do other things that you enjoy that are not associate with your ex. It's time to build a life without her.

needshelp85 · May 31, 2011, 08:18 PM

Thank you. While it isn't any easier to do, I (somewhat) understand now.

I wish · Jun 1, 2011, 11:16 AM

It takes time to understand. I know I was the one who wrote up the guideline, but it took me months to actually fully comprehend the no contact concept and all the factors surrounding it. Be patient, it will get easier with time.

bswc · Jun 2, 2011, 11:08 AM

You see needshelp85, I have walked the road u're walking now. Everything in the relationship was healthy. Before we got together, her parents already not a big time fan. Everything went on well, we even make it open for the parents and they said YES. She grew apart by all the pressure the family and friends as time pass by, I believe that you are understanding enough to put yourself in her shoes. Nobody wants that kind of ending, but things just turn 180 degrees around and I could barely recognize who she is right after that. I may look perfect, but do you really want to be with a person that could not have the respect and support of her family? It will not be happy.

needshelp85 · Jun 2, 2011, 01:42 PM

The truth is I could deal with that, and I was willing to. But she couldn't. It was too much pressure and anxiety for her that she thought would not be fair to push down to me, thus she ended the relationship. The relationship was disapproved of because we were both girls though. And I accept that that variable of not being accepted may occur in any of my relationships.

She told me last night that she still loves and misses me, this is just the only way she knows how to get better or figure it out. I believe her. So while I won't force contact I won't ignore it either. I did however box up her stuff and things she gave me and hid the posts from Facebook. I know I'm not fully following the NC rules but I'm mending them to how I think they will best work for me. I care about her and want her to be happy, whether that's with me or without me, I can accept that. And that's what I tell myself when things get hard.

I wish · Jun 2, 2011, 02:19 PM

You need to do whatever you think is best for you. The rules are there as a guideline.

It's possible that you can implement some aspects of the second part entitled: "Exceptions".

IF things are going well, then no contact is not as needed. If things get worse, it's recommended be more strict with the no contact rules to help you heal.

Remember to find what works best for you.