[eastern]

I have been married for 37 years to a man who turned out to be an emotionally and verbally abusive alcoholic. We have 5 kids who are good kids but 2 of them know they need to change how they talk to people to have a good relationship none of them drink.I'm invisible to my husband there is no physical contact and he rarely talks to me > He gets mad if I attempt to discuss any issues with our kids and shuts me off.The loneliness is getting very hard I am a retired nurse and enjoy not working after 40 years.I have good friends and are very close to my family. He has no friends and his family will have nothing to do with him.He is very passive aggressive and is somewhat narcissistic.I don't want to leave because he is generous and I can go see my family and enjoy being retired. I have 3 grandchildren I watch. I don't know what to do.He has stopped drinking but still has these traits. His father as an alcoholic who was brutal to the whole family. What would you do if you were me?

[sharper11]

I have not experienced this myself, but have "second hand" experience watching family go through similar issues. A 37 year marriage should build (and seems to have built) a strong bond. Has your husband always been like this, or did he "change" somewhere along the line?

If I were you, I would get friends or family involved, almost in an intervention style. You need to be a bit drastic because he doesn't listen to you (and you say, "gets mad"). That, with the threat of abuse, is a serious issue.

I do not want to say "leave him", because you have been married so long, with children and you obviously love him. He needs a serious eye opener. The threat of leaving may be enough for him to get his act together.

--I hope you can sort this out. I am sorry you are in this situation and I hope it gets better.

[0rphan]

Hello eastern, 37 years is a very long time to be together, surely things must have been OK to start with! You do have 5 children who you love and were conceived in love.When did the drinking start and why or was your husband always a small drinker that gradually got out of hand?

Your husband quite obviously has issues relating to his childhood, which I would normally recommend him to see a counciller in a bid to bring them into the open thus dealing with them, putting them to bed for ever, this would enable him and the whole family to rebuild on a more solid foundation,however I would say judging by your post that this would be quite out of the question, he wouldn't listen to anything you had to say and probably would only be abusive toward you, which to him, having been allowed to get away with it for so long, will continue to do unless he is stopped and shown that it is unacceptable to you any more.

Thankfully you are close to your family and friends who you must ask for support whenever it is needed.

Your children have obviously grown now and you have retired,I imagine that you are home with your husband more than you would be if you were at work, which is only going to make life more difficult for you, something has to change or you will have a very lonely life, which is totally unnecessary.

You say your husband has no friends and that his family don't have anything to do with him... is that because of his drinking or the abuse? So if he doesn't talk to you or anyone else he must himself be very lonely despite the picture he portrays, this is very sad for all of you.

I think you have to stand up to him, once and for all, be sure you are not alone when you do,he will get angry, but don't back down, continue to speak up for yourself, why should you put up with this.. ask him what he wants if he doesn't want to be with you, could he have someone else?

There is obviously no possibility of a quiet dinner for 2 to sort things out, if he thinks your invisible then you may as well not be there,but you say he is very generous,it depends on what price you are willing to pay for his generousity...

There is a possibility that he could have an illness and cannot control his moods etc.. I don't mean achohol.. maybe something underlying,I suppose there is no chance of him seeing a Doctor but you could go yourself, tell the doctor of his behaviour, it just might help.

Please for your own sake sort this out,don't let it go on,don't allow him to rule yours or your children's lives.

Only you can change this... with plenty of support