[a1edition]

Last year my best friend moved to Nashville from Michigan. She ended up meeting a man a few months ago and recently announced she's engaged. We were very happy and excited for her up until this week.

Allow me to backtrack slightly. I'm in my 40's as is my friend. Though she is a lady, I'm a guy. We've been best friends for years to the point where she's closer than my own sister. She was best person at my wedding and her kids (boy and girl both teens) were ushers. She and my wife are extremely close friends. We've watched her kids grow up (their dad is not in the picture), have babysat the kids on a multitude of occasions when my friend had to go out of town on business.

I'd planned on flying down to Nashville not only to meet the fiancé, but to also take the kids to the last Harry Potter film. It's been a tradition, since their mom doesn't like the movies and I do, that I've taken them for the last five movies. My friend insisted that I stay at her house while in town. My wife, is working on her masters and cant' make the trip due to that time being midterms.

So I booked the flight and thought all was well. I was truly looking forward to the trip. Until this past weekend, when I received a frantic call from my friend. She's was in tears and more upset than I've ever heard her.

She was calling to explain that when she went to tell her fiancé I was coming down to meet him, he in her worked "freaked out". Though he didn't get physical he came darn close. He completely lost his temper then just left. They don't live together, she owns her own house, he his.

A couple of days later, yes he disappeared for two days, he came back and got in her face. He told her, "an engaged woman has no business visiting with a man who isn't her kin." He then explained that there was no way he would allow, a) me to stay in her house or b) her to see me even if I stayed in a hotel. So I'm clear, it's not as though she's never mentioned me. I was the first person to get a call when they became engaged. My wife and I were the first to send a huge wine basket, to the both of them for congratulations. We talk ALL the time.

Her fiancé was born and raised in the South. Nashville area to be precise. He's also Southern Baptist. He's in his 40's and has two kids of his own. Up until this week everything I'd heard about him from my friend as well as the kids, was he is a great guy. A true southern gentleman.

Does this add up? I've lived in the South growing up. It's been a few decades, but I lived in TN, LA, AR and TX. I'm a Southern Baptist myself. But this reaction completely stumps me. "Kin" to me is family you pick. Those kids are like a niece and nephew to me and truly, my friend is a sister. Should I be at all concerned about this?

My friend really doesn't know how to handle it. He apparently told her that was the way it is in the South and she needs to learn. I frankly think that sounds like a power play from a control freak.

Bottom line, is that I told her I didn't want to be the root of any issues, so I canceled the trip.

So my question is this. Did I trample all over some Southern etiquette on this or is he using that as an "excuse" for something else?

[redhed35]

You outlined your relationship with your friend very clearly, both yourself and your wife are close friends with her, perhaps her fiancé thought it was inappropriate for just you to stay, if your wife had being going with you I'm guessing it would be a completely different story, and he would have welcomed you both.

She knows you, he does not, at least he does not know that your honorable.

Try and see it from his point of view for a minute, your out and about for lunch with your friend while visiting and someone sees you entering her house and staying there.. people talk, people gossip, and the potential for a misunderstanding is huge, if your wife was there, totally changes the view on things.

You don't know his history, perhaps mistrust occurred during his first marriage, he well indeed be a gentleman, but we all have issues and hangups.

I do see your concern for your friend, but I also see her fiance's point of view.

To calm the waters perhaps a phone call to clear up any misunderstanding and an invite to your house for dinner, maybe when he see's both families together he may understand the friendship better and also the long history.

[a1edition]

to calm the waters perhaps a phone call to clear up any misunderstanding and an invite to your house for dinner, maybe when he see's both families together he may understand the friendship better and also the long history.

I wish this was an option but we live in different states and he's not willing to travel up here so getting together for dinner won't be happening anytime soon. As for a phone call, from what she's told me, he has no interest in talking with me or meeting me at all at this point.

[redhed35]

Then let the dust settle and make contact again in a few weeks, perhaps a brief letter addressed to both of them from both you and your wife.

Or perhaps your wife could visit on her own,when time allows, she may be able to clear up any hurt feelings or misunderstandings.

It would be a shame if your friendship suffered because of this, but some people can't comprehend a platonic friendship between a unrelated man and women.

As long as the history is between the two families she may choose to distance herself from you and your wife to placate her fiancé.

[mmresd]

Regardless of what was going through his head or the way it is in the "South" (I live in Texas), he overreacted and definitely showed a red flag. If it was her making this post I would go as far as to recommend as to run away now before she becomes any more committed. But since you are the friend, and probably don't want to stick your nose where it doesn't belong you should just back off for a little while, so that things have a chance to calm down, then you can reconnect with her.

Good Luck,
Javi

[talaniman]

Things happen for a reason, and now that she has had an opportunity to see him in a different light she has some decisions to make for herself. As emotionally traumatic as this is to you all, better now than much later.

Back off, and let her, but be her friend when she NEEDS you, and your wife to be. Only she can decide if she can deal with this new revelation. While I think he over reacted, I can't say my new fiancé having an old male friend staying with her wouldn't make me feel a bit uncomfortable, but if he stayed at a hotel, now that would be better. But to forbid everything, is not a southern tradition, and maybe this incident will make her look deeper into this fellow before she gets hooked on his star.

There is obviously much to learn, and maybe this will be just the thing to make her learn it. Talk about red flags to pay attention too!! He has issues for sure, but its entirely her choice how she deals with them.