[jeeper78]

Hi there I would like to know what I should do,or if what I'm doing is right or wrong. My common in law partner and I have been living together for almost 3 years.Everything is good until his daughter comes to stay with us once in awhile. She's almost 13 and is daughters girl.I have no problem with that.The problem is though when she's at our house, he lets her get away with everything, he says she's just a kid so she doesn't have to do chores or anything.She doesn't help put away the mess she makes doesn't help clean her roon or help with dishes.She never calls to see how her dad is when she's at her moms but will call to ask for money or other things.He always gives her money or buys her anything she wants and says well she's my only daughter and so I can spoil her if I want.We get into many arguments over this.Since I say well from now on when she's here at our home I'm going to ask nicely if she can clean up her room when she leaves to go back to her moms and to help with dishes. Now he won't bring her here he will take her out buy her what she wants without even telling me and then he takes her home all because I said I'll ask her to help out at our home.He then tells me that his daughter can't come here because of me.So he now blames me.I've talked to her mom and she has chores at her house to.What am I suppose to do cause I feel he's blaming me but yet he won't ask his daughter to help me out at times.

[Eileen G]

This is a difficult situation for you, but the fact is, you are no relation to this child and don't have an input into how he parents her. If he wants to spoil her, that's his decision and not yours.

You do have a right to say how things are to happen in your house. If everyone in your house makes their own bed and tidies their own room, you can expect her to do the same, and you don't have to do them if she doesn't. But you can't make any rules for her that you wouldn't make for a visiting adult. That's her father's job, not yours.

[JudyKayTee]

I don't like lies in a relationship and it sounds like he lies to you because it's easier than arguing.

Where are you common law after 3 years? If you ARE common law - or even if you are not - and he dies you are going to have a battle on your hands.

I'm a 5 times stepmother. I did not discipline my stepchildren unless/until there was no choice BUT my husband backed/backs me all the way. We had more than one discussion about discipline (and sending money to his children) before we married.

I didn't do this but my sister did - she has stepchildren. She and her husband figured out what percentage of the income she makes; what percentage of the income he makes. That's the way they divide the household expenses. What is left is his money or her money. If he chooses to spend it on his children, that's his prerogative.

My sister, I will add, holds a firm line - if he is out of money and she ends up paying for all of their entertainment she lets him know she's unhappy.

I don't know I want my marriage to be a business arrangement but it works for her.

She also makes the rules in their house, with her husband's approval and consent. Everyone pitches in, stepchildren included.

[Jake2008]

I find it interesting that you have talked to this child's mother, and she has said her daughter is expected to do simple things at home, such as you have described you expect in your own home.

Is it possible for you to get both parents together to discuss the issues with their daughter?

I don't see this so much as you not having any say, but more of a precident setting lack of effective parenting. This child has learned how to manipulate her father, and in so doing, gets what she wants in return.

I suspect that if your boyfriend does not see the harm he is doing by raising his daughter to be entitled. We all know the consequences of children raised who get everything they want, while at the same time, do not learn the benefits of discipline, and the lessons they have to learn about life- behaviour has consequences.

That your boyfriend does not follow the same rules that his ex has in her home- even simple ones like picking up after yourself- sounds to me more like a problem with him, than with the daughter.

Most kids will play one parent off the other to get what they want. In your case, you are in her way, and she has managed to bypass you. I think you are right to have simple expectations of her, as you would any person staying in your home. I'm not talking about her scrubbing the kitchen floor with a toothbrush, but simple things, like picking up her messes, and tidying her room before she leaves.

If your boyfriend is unwilling to discuss and agree upon certain house rules (if even for the sake of his daughter), I would consider counselling for the two of you. An impartial person can help sort out, and offer suggestions and compromises, that the two of you can live with.