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lucylucy26 · May 14, 2011, 03:01 AM

My boyfriend of a yr an a half has lost his sex drive he says its not me bt that he's just stressed out wiv work and our relationship ? We have been arguing a lot lately bt we have moved into gather . I have become jealous in the relationship as well bt I don't know why because I've never bin like that before with past relationships an its making me very insecure about our future? I've tried talking to him about it bt he gets all defensive an we end up falling out . I've tried to tell him that its making me feel unloved an even more paranoid but he said I'm making the issue all about me ? I've offered to go counselling wiv him an the doctors but he doesn't want to do that . I don't no what elce to do ? I've tried not bringing the subject up but I can't help myself ? Its not about sex its about being intimate together an feeling loved by him . He tells me he loves me all the time an said we can get through anything but I no I'm puttin pressure on us by falling out an feeling sorry for myself because of the situation were in ? I don't no were to go from here? Any suggestions will be a great help

CravenMorhead · May 14, 2011, 06:01 AM

Hi! How old are you?

As well, please take the extra moments and write out your words including all the letters of them. Post written in chat speak tend to disappear into the Bit Bucket.

lucylucy26 · May 14, 2011, 06:35 AM

I'm 27 an he is 29

Fr_Chuck · May 14, 2011, 07:05 AM

Suggestion one, learn how to write and properly communicate what you are talking about.

Sorry but the first poster asked nicely that you rewrite your question so that adults can properly understand it.
Your writing is closer to that of a 14 year old school girl. Which can make us doubt your real age.

Second, this is a more formal request, as I am a site moderator and do not wish to delete your post but it is against site rules to use non english.

But stress can be a major factor in not only desire but performance, and once there is a performance issue, men often stop wanting to try completely.

Next how is he feeling loved ? What is the ways he shows it, or wants it showed to him ?

SweetDee · May 15, 2011, 05:08 AM

Okay well since "I may not give a negative rating to this member at this time" (namely Fr_Chuck's) as I thought he should be made aware that some people try the best that they can and don't always write english as well as they'd like... I found the beginning of his comment a little HARSH... Let me add that I do agree with the advice that he offered about how stress can affect desire and performance... once he got down to the point of this site.

Maybe your man has a lower sex drive than you do and he feels pressured to have sex. The more you pressure him the more he might pull away. Maybe he doesn't want you to know he has a low sex drive.

He sounds a little selfish to me. Whatever the situation is it should matter to him as much as it matters to you, and clearly it matters a lot to you. If there is a problem that is directly affecting either one of you.. then it's BOTH your problem.

There comes a point in time in a relationship where it becomes apparent whether it's going to work or not. The longer you invest in a relationship where the BALANCE is not equal the longer the time you have wasted... when you could have put it into a relationship where there is equality.

You're young NOW... and finding the right person is about respect, FRIENDSHIP and trust (of course love.. but love can cloud the more important areas that can't be fully developed without a clear view).

Be more selfish ;) These are the days of YOUR life... You have a responsibility to make YOUR life's journey fulfilling... you only live ONCE. It's not a lot to ask of a man for equality in a relation both emotionally and sexually.

It's also VERY unfair if you can't adapt to if he does have a lower sex drive. That's also part of equality... Make sure you BOTH meet in the middle. Respect that. Compromise.

(Sorry for any spelling mistakes lol... I need spellcheck as well haha) ;)

Cat1864 · May 15, 2011, 06:25 AM

This is the rule (Ask Me Help Desk - FAQ: Terms of Service, FAQ and How To Use This Site) brought up by Craven and Chuck:

Use the best English you are capable of. "Chat speak", all caps, lack of punctuation, etc. can be annoying, and will frequently result in the post being either unanswered or removed.

It also causes problems with translation programs that many of our non-English speaking members use.

Lucy, how long has the problem been going on? Reductions in sex drive are very subjective and sometimes are not as bad as the poster first thinks.

Does he show affection and intimacy in other ways than sex? Such as hand holding, caresses, cuddling, etc. Do you view sex as the major way to show love and intimacy?

Some people tend to think that moving in together makes everything all right and they will be having sex like bunnies. Actually the opposite is more true. Blending households and learning how to compromise take a lot of work. It takes time adjusting to each other's schedules and habits. It is a time of learning what you didn't know about your partner. You learn how to communicate and compromise on new levels. During this time sex can suffer especially if fighting and arguing become the main methods of talking to each other.

Understand that pressure to have sex adds its own stress and causes problems. Try just relaxing together with no thoughts of sex. Enjoy the moments of calm. Many times just letting the stress of life melt away and being together can turn into sex.

Do you have any outside interests that help keep you from going overboard on the relationship? Friends and hobbies can help give you outlets for the stress that builds up in the relationship so that you can be more objective about what might cause upsets.