Really need help with this one

lissas · May 11, 2011, 06:49 PM

9 years ago, my relationship ended when my boyfriend of 10 years left for someone else. I was devastated as he said nothing to me and I had to find out from his family members and friends. It really hurt badly and I suffered for a year or two before dating again.

During the yrs that passed, I did see him and even spoke to him occasionally, but never asked him a word. I knew he had changed girl-friends during the time but I still never asked him or anyone anything about his personal life.

After all those yrs. I honestly believed I was over him although I knew he had a special place in my heart. 5 months ago we started talking regularly, at first every 2wks or so, then more often until we started seeing each other again but without any commitment, plans etc.

The problem is that when I did ask about what happened all those yrs ago, he told me that he was young and expects that I should leave it alone. I have tried but it seems like I need more answers as I was deeply scarred. I really did think I was over him but now I feel so weak and confused about the whole thing that I want to run!

He keeps telling me that I'm living in the past and that we are too old for that. Right now I feel like I'm going through all the hurt and pain I felt 9 yrs ago when he left, and I don't know what to do or where to go from here. I tried to keep away from him for 2wks or more but felt like I was going into depression and eventually took his calls.

We saw each other after, but within a couple days I was back questioning things which made us both upset and we argued. I have not spoken to him for a week but I feel horrible and wonder how I will get myself out of this, if I will have to go through all the emotions I had to 9 years ago. The only thing he says is that he loves me more than any of the other people he has been with but I am still not happy with just that.

Does anyone think I need to seek counseling on this?

Alty · May 11, 2011, 06:54 PM

If you can't leave the past in the past, then this relationship will never work.

Yes, he hurt you. Yes, it was hard getting over it. But it is what it is. You either accept that it happened 9 years ago, forget about it, try a relationship with him now without constantly bringing up the past, or you move on, get over him, cut him out of your life for good, and find someone else.

Counseling is never a bad idea, especially with something that's obviously having a huge impact on your mental health.

Sumitkumar7266 · May 11, 2011, 09:55 PM

The problem you are getting now because you broke the rule of NC.. Past is past and if you will try to drag it in the present it will always be painful.. Never go back and start the relationship with the same person.. It will hurt you in every way.. My ex girlfriend asked me to be her friend when she broke up with me.. I was clear that I can't be the fnd of her because in my opinion love can happen after friendship but friendship after love--Impossible.. Now take the decision what you want.. Either you will get the same pain forever or try to get new one and be happy for full life.. Cut him out of the list..

talaniman · May 11, 2011, 10:42 PM

If you cannot see that he couldn't give you what you wanted back then, and cannot give you what you want now, then yes. Some counseling would be needed. If you can't let go of the past, and look to the future, then yes, definitely seek some counseling.

I am at a loss as to why you would hook up with a guy that hurt you before any way.

amicon · May 12, 2011, 12:47 AM

Counseling for you,to help you let go of the past and heal from the old breakup and to help you sort out other issues that you may have.

Should you even be seeing this guy though?

He may say he loves you,but does he act as if he does?

mmresd · May 12, 2011, 09:19 AM

If counseling is available to you, then yes, by all means go get some. It cannot hurt and it will help you heal. Like tala I do not understand why you would go with a guy who had "scarred" you in the past, what is the point? You think he won't end up doing the same thing now, and even if he doesn't will your mind be at least being with him considering that you are already starting to feel the agony you felt such a LONG time ago. Is it worth it? To go through all that again? It is your decision, choose the one you think would be better for you, to me, the option of leaving him alone and toughening up and going No Contact seems the right one.

Good Luck,
Javi

lissas · May 12, 2011, 10:40 AM

Idid not think at first that this would happened, that's why I encouraged the phone calls. I did not even suspect that I was still affected by the past, I mean 8 yrs is a long time and I was getting on with my life. This thing has affected me so badly that yesterday was supposed to be my Final Exams for my Masters and I was unable to do them! That throws me back another semester! Can't begin to say how foolish and depressed I feel. I feel defeated by him once again and I'm wondering what's next. When in the future will he be able to affect me again and how? How do I "get over him" again now? Why does he have this effect on me? I really thought I was over him... It scares me

talaniman · May 12, 2011, 10:55 AM

You opened up a very bad old wound that you have not healed from, and need to stop ALL contact whatsoever. If you need guidance, get some for yourself. If you had a cold, you would go to a doctor for cold medicine, and this is no different.

Get what you need and stop depending on him to give it to you. He won't, can't, or is unable to.

lissas · May 14, 2011, 03:33 PM

You are all very correct. Thanks for your support. I changed my phone number a week ago and decided to go N/C. I suppose I am angry at myself for getting close to him again and allowing him to upset my plans for my future. I have once again learned a hard lesson where he is concerned and I feel horrible about my studies. I should have been feeling on-top of the world today, knowing I completed my Masters and could land myself that "dream job." Today I have another semester to go. As for my feelings towards him.. sometimes
I want to cry; to switch my old phone on to see if he called or texed; sometimes I want to hurt him! I know I need to take care of my emotional well being before the next semester starts and that's what I am trying to do. However, thinking about what will happened in the future with him: when I see him gain etc. is scary!

DoulaLC · May 14, 2011, 04:24 PM

You will know better in the future. You don't need to be rude if you happen to see him again, but you certainly don't need to engage him in conversation.

You should be very proud of yourself for your accomplishments! So you'll need an extra semester to get that degree. It will go by before you know it and in the scheme of things it is a minor obstacle.

If he couldn't see that it was up to him to be open and honest about the past if there was any hope to rebuild your trust, he wasn't that interested in or that concerned about doing so.

Now you can get back on track with your plans... this was just another life lesson along the way. Dive into your school work, your job, your family and friends. Time once again will be your ally.

Add your answer here.