[speedbird]

Hi all,

We been together 4.5 years in a distance relationship.
We got engaged and we planned a wedding next year.
I noticed lately she has been talking much about the distance and told her my plan was the original, me going there.
Unfortunately when we had fights, I tended to break up with her for a couple of hours but we always managed to sort it.
A month ago we had a fight and told her to let me be a few hours to clear my head, when I called her back she said she needed time.
She said she believes she is suffering with depression and that she is not sure for our future.
We decided to meet abroad and talk for a week.
She came for valentines and we had a great time together, she was in tears saying she will always love me but she was so unsure of the future.
Yesterday she woke me up to let me know she has changed her ticket home and her fight was going in a few hours.
I was shocked, how could she do that?
She said it was better than waiting for a week which would have been harder as I was so nice to her.
When she got to the airport she called me crying like anything.
I told her we would never see each other again and told her this relationship leads nowhere for her just to say that she is disappointed I took this decision.
She later called me from home to say we should go our own ways but she still loves me but needs time to find herself.
She said she is not interested in another guy but she does not expect me to wait for her as she is unsure of the outcome or how long she needs to find herself.
I made it clear that if she sleeps with another guy I don't want her back.
Again she said she is not interested in another but I know at the long run she will.
Then she changed her mind saying she needs to sleep and she is not sure about anything.

God,she is driving me nuts.
What's you opinion on this?

Thanks

[ken007nielsen]

Seems to me like, this relationship is very hard on her, mentally.

I'm thinking she does in fact love you, but she needs some time to her own, and all you can do it give it to her. Start NC, and get on with your life.

[pandead]

Keeping a relationship safe and healthy is hard when you live in the same city. It's even harder with the distance, only people who suffered from not being together can understand that. A lot of people try, only a few succeed, sadly.

I agree with the previous poster. It doesn't mean she doesn't love you. It just means that she can't take it anymore. The distance, your "fake" breakups, her own life - because I'm sure you know how alone the distance makes us, you only get to experience the good parts of a relationship when you see each other, which is not very often. If you don't have a solid social life and a circle of close friends, it can kill you.

If she says she is in depression, believe her. It's hard to see the light at the end of the long distance tunnel and being in that tunnel for 4 years must be really hard too.

On the other hand, changing her flight sends a pretty clear message. I'd say give her time and space, don't contact her, but don't wait for her either. Let her fix her own issues and fix yours (like finding the reasons you used to break-up with her after a fight) if nothing, it will help you in the future. Good luck.

[talaniman]

After almost 5 years, and you are not physically together? I would've left you too! Explain what's up with that?

Talaniman Rule-When they ask for a break, give it to them and do your own thing.

Talaniman Rule- When they need space, give it to them, and disappear from their lives. This allows you to heal.

Before you say "but its not that easy to forget 4 and a half years of history we shared", consider that its not that easy for her either. She has been waiting 4 and a half years for hope for the future to appear, now she is tired of waiting and her feelings have changed. She wants out.

Leave her alone, and give her what she asked from you.

[speedbird]

Because I was studying and getting ready to move there in the next year

[speedbird]

We were engaged and together for 4,5 years.
It was a LD relationship and was planning to move there soon when she said she had enough.
I have to admit I loved her very much but sometimes I was not as nice as I should be towards her but she also kept against me things from the past.
I never cheated her or hit her though.
I did my best to fix it after the break up, even surprised her with flowers on her birthday by travelling to her, to her country but she called me a selfish person..!
She said I was the love of her life but its to late.she knew I was her love the minute she saw me...
She said she still misses me and cries but its normal to feel like this and she does not want to see me as we will have a good time and she does not believe this will help.
She is still single after 4 months.

Anyway she has a big number of clothes I had there and she has been saying she will send them,at one occasion she even said that she bought me one of the suits so she did not want to send it to me.
I said then I want the 5000 dollars ring back I got you and she denied because she said she picked it.
She finally said she will send the clothes.

She has not.I spoke to her about this many times and she has said she will send them.
Any ideas why she does this?
She had time to send them by the way.

Its been 2 weeks and we had no contact.
I noticed when I surprised her that none of my clothes of photos were visible but she was wearing some jewellery I bought her.

[talaniman]

Hard to keep a fire burning if you are not there to tend it. Sorry guy.

[speedbird]

I did two weeks ago but she has been accusing me for things I did not do

[Alty]

First, if the clothes belong to you you, she has no right to keep them.

Second, if the ring you bought is an engagement ring and you paid for it, now that the engagement is off, she must return the ring, by law. She can only keep it if she paid for it.

Any other items that you bought her during your relationship are hers to keep. An engagement ring is different.

Tell her to return your clothes and the engagement ring, or you'll take her to court for these items or their worth.

[talaniman]

Too little, too late!

[kskalyani]

I agree with talaniman,.
*** let her live her life...
Stay away from her..
Once you stay away she may realize your importance...

[Jake2008]

I don't know what legal remedies are available to you, because you live in different countries. But, I would check out speaking with a lawyer to see what you can and cannot do.

Failing any legal recourse, you will have to write off the clothes, and the jewellery. Clearly she is done with you and has no intention of returning anything.

Lesson learned.

[speedbird]

Me and ex broke up 4 months ago.
I broke up with her then wanted her back but she said no.
4 months down the road we speak very often and she even cries some times.
It looks like she is not sure what she wants.
Is it right to tell her I am going NC until she sorts her self out?
I tried the normal NC but she keep on calling and texting and I want to sort it out between us.

[tickle]

You are going to lose her forever if you tell her NC. You started it, now you have to finish it. Do everything in your power to get her back if you really want it that way. What do you mean 'normal NC'. Sounds like a real cop out to me. Man up to it and sit down with her face to face and get it sorted out.

Tick

[speedbird]

Did that, even went all the way to her door step 3000 miles away to give her flowers but she still said its over.
She still texts and calls me though

[tickle]

speedbird, please don't use the comments feature, use the reply feature. It makes our dialogue more comprehensive.

If you went that far with it, then I don't know what she wants either. So yes, I guess I have to agree with your NC idea, but you would have to stick to it and don't be wishy washy with a decision like that.

[speedbird]

But should I tell her I am going NC you thing?

[tickle]

But should i tell her i am going NC you thing?

Yes, of course tell her otherwise it wouldn't mean anything. If you drove 3000 miles with flowers to her door step and she turned you down, I really would go extreme with this. Good luck.

Tick

[speedbird]

Thanks

[talaniman]

Disappear from her life and its always a good idea to ignore someone after they dump you. Then their confusion will not be yours, and you can deal with your own hurt feelings maturely, and positively.