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ducky77 · May 4, 2011, 11:56 AM

I'll keep this as brief as I can. My fiancée and I have been together for just over a year. I am not the type to fall in love easily and at 29 have had my fair share of heart breaks. Well this guy made my head spin, so much so that after being together for four months he asked me to move back to his home country (he is from a developing country in Africa). Wildly in love I of course said yes (thankfully work wise I am in a position to do this). He was out of work for a few months and I supported him financially and emotionally.
He left his email open one day (and I know I was in the wrong) but I couldn't help but click on a recent chat with a girl (friend) he knows on the other side of the world. It wasn't an explicit chat but there was enough there to make me feel uncomfortable (ie alluding to wanting to know what she "felt" like). She turned him down and it went no further. I confronted him about it, he promised not to do it again. Less than a month later same story, different girl. I completely went into hysterics, packed my bags, yelled a few times and left back for the UK. Now that I am here I have calmed down and decided to yet again give him another chance (I hate to say it but I don't think he took me seriously the first time), although doing it via long distance.
What I have recently decided is that I want him to stop contact with the two girls in question. I am not the possessive type but I cannot stand seeing their names on his FB page etc. I know it won't go anywhere physically with these girls but I need him to prove to me that he means his promise this time around. He is not happy about it because these are two very close friends of his. My stance is "well you bought it on yourself".
I can't help but think I made so many sacrifices for him, including six months in a developing country, fiancial and emotional support, and yet he won't grant me this one request?
I don't need advice that I should ditch this guy.. believe me... thought about it long and hard but can't bring myself to do it.

redhed35 · May 4, 2011, 12:18 PM

You chose to move to africa after knowing him for 16 weeks, you chose to support him, no body made you do that, so, you can't use them for bargining cards.

He chose while he was with you to 'chat' to another girl, you found out, you forgave and then it happened again.

This is a deal breaker for you, you left africa and moved back home, now with the emotional dust settled you've had a little rethink and now your laying down the law, why did he not believe you the first time? Surely you were very upset.

Your relationship has broken down, he's on the other side of the world, unless you can communicate honestly with each other, unless you can trust him the relationship IS over, just because you can't 'call it off' does not mean its not dead in the water.

amicon · May 4, 2011, 12:33 PM

Eh,wake up call?

How many red flags do you need?

Listen to your gut reaction-you left.

In a loving,caring respectful relationship we don't don't have to give and keep on giving -take a look at this,as if you were a friend advicing a friend...

What would you say to them?

elhornet · May 4, 2011, 12:41 PM

I think you are completely reasonable in asking him to stop communicating with these girls... even if they are friends of his. He shouldn't have friends he talks to like that if he is dating someone. Now if he were single it would be a different story.

I know it is very hard to fight back jealousy and what not but I feel for you I hate that my boyfriend has girls he used to hook up with on Facebook. It makes me feel like there is too much temptation for him, plus these girls post up suggestive pictures and he could very easily look at them any time he wants.

It may have invaded his privacy that you looked in his email, however but if he wouldn't have left it open you wouldn't have found it. And as wrong as it may be I'm sure your glad you did get into that day because now you know things he was trying to hid from you. I believe privacy is a good thing however since he already violated your trust I think his privacy should be taken away. If he truly loves you he wouldn't mind letting you see everything... email, cell phone whatnot... however if he does let you see everything there is a risk he may become more sneaky.

My advice to you is just be careful. You love the guy and want to be able to work things out with him. Just keep these past experiences in the back of your mind. Try not to let them affect your everyday relationship with him, because bringing it up all the time will only push him away, but just be on guard. If you have a sneaking suspicion he is up to no good do some investigation. Once you have found out the truth you will know what to do from there.

Screw me over once... shame on you. Screw me over twice... shame on me.

Everyone deserves a second chance but after that its not fair to you to keep getting hurt.

talaniman · May 4, 2011, 02:13 PM

You moved to him in an emotional huff of love, and left in an emotional huff of anger.

Leave him alone for 6 or 7 months and see what happens. He doesn't want to follow your rules, no matter how much love, sacrifice, and support you gave him.

Your exotic fling thing is over, give yourself the time to see reality.

vanheart · May 4, 2011, 03:11 PM

Why would you ever give him another chance?

So he can do it again? Let him.

Hope you learned your lesson not to rush into things.

Have some self-respect. He doesn't.

DoulaLC · May 4, 2011, 03:11 PM

He is not going to be the sort of man you are hoping for. He has already shown that he can't be trusted or honest with you, and I am sure that is not what you are looking for, and certainly not what you would want to start a marriage with!

You have an out being in the UK now, far away from him, take advantage of it. Take him off you fb friends... no point in causing yourself more grief by reading what he writes.

You wouldn't be able to trust him anyway even if he did agree to stop talking to them as all he has to do is start a second fb account, continue to talk to these girls (if not others as well) and you would never know it. He is not ready to give up the single life.

Count your blessings that you were not married to him.

mmresd · May 5, 2011, 04:34 PM

If you are willing to put up with a guy who is showing clear red flags of being a liar and possibly a cheater if the chance was given then no, you don't need to break up. But, if you want to be smart about things and exercise some self respect for yourself then you need to break up with him. Nothing good can come from a guy who has lied to you, broken promises, and most likely you won't even be able to fully trust him again because clearly you feel betrayed. Find someone who you can feel at ease with and you will be much happier.

Good luck,
Javi

Cat1864 · May 5, 2011, 05:23 PM

You found out about the first one so he moved on to a second one. You know about the second one now. So, I have to ask who is the next female he is going to start 'questioning?'

You can't demand that he have no contact with any females ever again. That definitely would not be reasonable. Can you trust him?

I think you need to trust yourself and walk away. I know it isn't what you want to hear, but then you didn't want to see his emails either.

If you are serious about trying the relationship again, you need to talk to him. You are making an assumption that he didn't take you seriously the first time. I don't think he is listening to your needs now because he is on the defensive. Try explaining to him what you feel and why without the demands or accusations. If the two of you can't communicate and compromise (give him the chance to reach the conclusion that he cares more about his relationship with you than he does his flirtations with other women), then there is no point trying to fix the relationship.