[janlestat]

My fiancé is 64 and I am 54. We used to have a very good sexual relationship but for a year or more we don't make love as often as we used to. We've been together for 8 years and are very much in love. We've only been living together for 3 years and the first year was great and then it started to change.

He apologizes, saying he drank too much or was tired. He only wants to make love when he's been drinking, which I think is odd since it wasn't always that way. I am a very sexual person so this is a big problem. I caught him watching porn and he denied it, saying I didn't just see what I thought I saw, he was scratching or he was just surfing through the TV channel but I know what I saw.

I asked how could he watch another naked woman when I am in the next room in bed naked. I have a good body but I am not young and so I thought he just wasn't attracted to me but since all other men are, it just didn't make any sense. When we have made love I notice that he has no problem getting hard but has a problem finishing. I know he loves me and he makes excuses for not being with me.

I used to watch porn myself but its because I wasn't getting satisfied. I am very open minded about sex but he has never requested unusual things and he used to go right away. It doen'st take me long to go so him taking longer is to my advantage cause I can go several times but it concerns me that it is taking him so long and I can't remember him actually having an orgasm in the past year.

I know he is older but this is putting me through head trips. I am not insecure, I just don't understand why he watches porn than be with me and I think when he's caught he's embarrassed so he denied it. I don't want a man who thinks he has to have sex with me to keep me but I am not ready to leave him just because he's getting older and doesn't want sex as much.

Watching porn is a way of doing it without going through the acts of sex itself. I thought he wasn't interested in sex until I caught him the other night. When I confronted him about being hurt that he'd rather watch some naked bimbo that be with me who has real, great breasts, he got angry and said don't go there. He will not see a doctor or take pills to help the situation because he is too proud.

So I have a problem. I am still attracted to him and want him and I don't approach him because I don't want to be rejected and told some lame excuse. I have put no pressure on him and tried to be very understanding. But I am not willing to live the rest of my life without sex. It is essential to me and it's very frustrating. Does anyone have anything to add that I haven't thought of? Like, what am I going to do?

[Fr_Chuck]

He could be addicted to porn, very common

He could be masterbating more so normal sexual relations don't "feel" as good

He could, more my opinion, have a problem in desire and performance due to his age. And he is ashamed to admit he has a problem.

[450donn]

Your title says it all. He is addicted and as with any addiction it has completely taken control of his life. As I see it you have two options. One, tell him to get professional help for his addiction, or two, get out.

[janlestat]

I never said he was addicted. He's only done it twice so far. He doesn't do it on his phone or computer because he is computer illeterate. He only does it when he's drunk and I've gone to bed. It's a small apartment and I can hear everything. And after the last incident when I got mad, the next day he showed that he was this kind of boil/sore on his pelvis and he told me that's why he hasn't made love to me. It looks painful but that doesn't explain our lack of sex for the past six months or so. He is affectionate and we get along great and I think it does have something to do with his age. He apologizes and tells me he's tired more now, but it still upset me when I see him do this. Now I'm afraid to open the bedroom door and go out into the frontroom for fear of what I'll see. Obviously he was concerned about my reaction so he brought it up to me the next day. I realize men do this and it wouldn't upset me except for the fact that we don't have much of a sex life anymore.

[QLP]

My guess, and it is only a guess, is that he is having problems with desire or performance as Fr Chuck suggests, and that since he is too proud to see a doctor he is trying to see if he can use porn to fix it. Unlikely to do so granted, but not uncommon for a man to go off on his own and use porn to try and reinstate his flagging libido.

If you view porn as a form of self-medication rather than as competition to you it might make you feel a bit better about the porn. The fact that you say he had only done it twice so far doesn't sound like he has a major porn thing going on but that he is experimenting a bit to see what might help.

Obviously seeing a doctor would be the ideal, particualrly as he has a sore on his pelvis anyway. Can you talk to him about getting a general health check up rather than focusing on the sex side of it and hope that the doctor just might pick up on something useful or that once he has seen the doctor he might open up a little bit more later?

In the meantime, maybe you can try and maintain physical closeness in a way that doesn't put any pressure on him to perform. Massages, cuddles, general sexual play without it neccesserily leading to intercourse. Do you have any sex toys? Maybe having the option of pleasuring you with toys would help him feel involved and excited without so much performance anxiety. Although some men might feel threatened and replaced if toys are suddenly introduced, I'm hoping you know how your man might react to this. The fact that he only wants sex after drinking suggests it has built up in his mind and he cannot relax about it.

For a man to start having problems with sex at this age can be hugely scary for him. He may be frightened that he is completely losing his sexual ability permanently and be feeling past-it and unmanned. Of course it is not necesserily the case that he cannot regain his sex drive but the more he feels bad about it the harder it will be.

Do what you can to have fun together and help him relax without putting pressure on. Give him a little time to get his head around it, and let him go off and masturbate to porn, while he tries to understand what is going on, but do encourage him to talk about it when he is feeling a little more ready. I just don't think he feels ready to really tackle this head-on yet. Obviously if he doesn't face it in time and the problem persists things could get very tough. But for now I would try and be understanding and supportive and give him a bit of time.

It is also worth looking at how healthy his diet and lifestyle are generally. Do what you can to encourage him to look after his health. Obvious things like a good healthy diet and some gentle exercise. Is he drinking a lot? Ginseng can be helpful where testosterone levels are declining but is also good to generally increase energy and well-being. Garlic, preferably fresh and raw, can have a really beneficial effect on blood circulation, it has been shown to improve penile function, as well as being good for the health in a whole host of ways. Best if eaten dailly.

Good luck.

[smoothy]

Some people have a fixation about porn, just as you have environmentalist wackos, tree huggers, radical vegans, Peta nutjobs etc...

I think he is having performance issues... and is too proud or too ashamed to admit to it or see a doctor about it.

Now guys like to see naked bodies... we are hardwired that way. Even if we know there may not be an opportunity for sex right after.

Now the fact he LIKES to see naked people tells me he is normal. Now if he doesn't get annual physicals he needs to change that right now and get to a doctor. There are a number of conditions that can effect a guys performance... as well as there are a number of medications that can as well.

[jmjoseph]

I'd be more concerned with his drinking than I would be about him looking at occasional porn.

[450donn]

Sorry if I did not fully understand, but from the title of your question it sure sounds like it.
"Why does my fiance prefer to watch porn to makinglove to me?"

[janlestat]

Thank you so much for your comments. I am answering this a little late, I didn't know anyone had made a comment but the same problem is still going on but at least he tries every now and then and the porn never bothered me because I used to watch it myself before I lived with him. He is not a toy kind of guy or into a large variety of sex. We have about 3 positions but we never get much past foreplay because he can't stay hard. I'm sure it is very scary for him because he used to be so incredible for his age, he has just turned 65 and I never thought we'd have this problem but I wrote this comment a year ago and it hasn't changed, especially lately. He stopped watched porn totally but he still masterbates once in awhile, I caught him once but never said anything. I've asked him to get a physical and finally he did but he didn't talk to the doctor about him problem apparently. I'm 9 years younger and I'm too young not to have a healthy sex life.

[janlestat]

That was a year ago and we still have the problem. He doesn't watch porn anymore and this was light porn that comes on cable, not much to it. He has at least tried to make love to me but he still doesn't have an orgasm that I know of and I would know but he tries to make me think he has and I don't make an issue of it. He just turned 65 and had spent years in bars and now we stay home and we have a lovely home that we both decorated and he is the kindest man I've ever known but I still have this problem. He has been to the doctor for a physical and I know he did't mention this problem. He acts like it isn't one but he sleeps on the sofa almost all the time because he says he snores and he does but if a man really wanted to be with a woman he wouldn't care about anything but that. He does sleep with me but I'm so used to having the whole bed that its odd when he's in here. He loves me and I love him and I never get mad at him because of this.I get mad but I don't take it out on him. He doesn't discuss this, pretendsthat everything is okay and where did he get the idea this would ever be okay for me?

[janlestat]

How cold blooded you sound. He isn't addicted to porn. That was a year ago that I made the comment on here and he doesn't watch porn and it was just the adult movies on cable. I think he does masterbate and he makes an attempt every once in awhile to be with me but he can't stay hard. He doesn't have an addiction that has taken control of his life. YOu suggested get out. How callous. You don't leave someone just because they can't perform like they used to. I love this man and you should be careful before giving your opinion like that. A weaker woman might break under such advice.

[smoothy]

janlestat does not find this helpful : he doesn't like to see naked people, he doesn't go out of his way and he doesn't have a fixation with porn.

Why does a guy that supposedly doesn't like to see naked people (your words) watch porn which is nothing but naked people. People don't watch things they don't like to see. And incidentally... I never said he had a fixation with porn, go back and actually READ what I said again. I said some people do... and the FACT is, some people do, most don't but a few do, I didn't say HE did. People get fixations or addictions to anything and everything.

You are aware nagging a guy about something is the most quick way to assure he doesn't want to do something frisky with you. And the older he gets the easier that is to do. Testosterone decreases... medical issues increase and conspire to assure he doesn't "rise to the occasion". It doesn't change the basic male thought process.

Gee not only do you not grasp the concept of free will (he is an adult and has the right to watch what he wants) you haven't read the rules for the site either pertaining to the comment feature.

I'll post the appropriate ones for you so you can't say you didn't see them.

#1 being your OPINION is NEVER an excuse to offend someone with a NOT HELPFUL.

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[QLP]

You need to have a serious but gentle chat with him. Make it clear that sex is still important to you and you need to know if it is to him. If he is happy to let sex be something that belongs to the past for him then you have to decide if you can live with that. If he would rather revive his sex life then you have to find out what he is prepared to do about it and offer your support. You have let him hedge and hide behind his pride for a year. Unless you are prepared to continue like this you need to make him understand that you need to know how he intends to handle this.

I'm not trying to be harsh, just pragmatic. Either you go on as you are or you get matters clearly laid on the table. You have let his problem become yours with no way of you fixing it without his co-operation. People do accept sexless relationships with someone they love but only you can decide if you could do so. If you knew that was how it would be you could make a clearer decision and consider strategies to deal with your own sexual frustration.

[janlestat]

I know he's doing it in the other room, I've even caught him and he said I misunderstood what I saw. I got mad and said why is he doing that when I'm naked in bed in the bedroom? He denied doing it. He's 65 and I'm 55 and we used to have a great sex life but now a few months will go by before he comes to bed and at least tries to make love to me. I know men and women can pleasure themselves and I've done it too but why does it have to be that way? I'm here! Hello? Are you stupid, Mr. Man. I'm a very sexy and attractive woman and I'm not overweight or anything and men love me, are always coming on to me but I'm not of the mind to cheat on him. I love him and want him. I just don't understand why he would rather do that. I find it insulting.

[Wondergirl]

He does it because it's fast and easy and he doesn't have to work hard at it to make it good for only one person, himself.

On the other hand, making love to you would be (deliciously) slow and needing effort, and he wouldn't have only himself to make happy and satisfied.

Masturbation is Velveeta cheese and Zesta crackers; making love is slowly baked teriyaki hot wings basted to perfection. Masturbation is a ham on rye; making love is a turkey dinner with all the fixin's.

Don't get on his case. It has nothing to do with you as a person. Now, how can you encourage him to help you make that turkey dinner?

[janlestat]

No, it wouldn't be slow and doesn't take much effort. We can have the turkey dinner or the velvetta, I take it both ways. Why would he want it that way when he could have all the fixins right now? I know he loves foreplay so why is he settling for only half when he could have the whole thing? I don't get on his case, I just don't understand why he's settling when he could have everything and it doesn't take that long for us, it never has, but now he's forcing me to have the velvetta cheese and zesta crackers, when I'd much rather have teriyaki or the turkey dinner becaue its always better hot than cold.

[Wondergirl]

No, it wouldn't be slow and doesn't take much effort. We can have the turkey dinner or the velvetta, I take it both ways. Why would he want it that way when he could have all the fixins right now?

It's him, or it's you and him (twice the "effort"). And men don't think like women do (unfortunately).

I know he loves foreplay so why is he settling for only half when he could have the whole thing?

Have you asked him this? If so, have you patiently LISTENED to what his answer is, if he is even willing to go out on a limb to give you his straight answer?

[janlestat]

No, I haven't asked him because he refuses to discuss it. I'll ask him if he's feeling okay, if anythings wrong and the answer is always he's fine, I'm imagining it. He even told me I didn't see what I saw when I went into the room and he was doing you know what. He jerked his hand away and pretending to be scratching but I know what I saw and I told him that. I guess its time to upgrade my toy selection. I am always patient and loving with him, I will word a question to where my point gets across but doesn't come out to offend him in any way and he still refuses to admit anything which I hear is normal.
Maybe you could answer another question; most of the time when we've made love it is when he and I are drinking and its great but nothing when sober, not anymore. We started in bars together and now we have a home and since we moved in 4 years ago it has gotten worse. He's 65 and I'm 55 so I think he has a problem. I just don't know how to solve it and he won't go to the doctor either. This is a stubborn and proud man who won't admit he's having any kind of problem so I must be reading something that isn't there. He told me that word for word. We get along pretty well so I'm not going to leave him and he says he loves me and I love him. I will stay with him until I can't do it anymore and in the meantime if in a month from now they has been no effort on his part I'm going to ask him if this is the way its going to be for the rest of our lives and then I will have to make a decision.

[Wondergirl]

He may be having medical problems, say, with his prostate (and of course will not see a doctor about it). Men -- doncha just love 'em??

I suggest you stay quiet and don't get on his case. Keep your eyes and ears open. Do you notice other new or strange behaviors, such as he gets up at night multiple times or he doesn't sleep as well as he did in the past or he snores louder or his food preferences have changed? I'm not leading toward anything, but just telling you to keep an eye on him.

I don't know if you want to give this a try, but maybe see a counselor for a few sessions -- just you, and with the idea of talking through this and strategizing a plan.

[talaniman]

Harshness Warning


The problem my dear is in your mind. He knows how you feel and so he has to hide his pleasuring himself from you and the whole relationship suffers because you simply don't understand your man, or his thinking.

Its not about you, but him getting a quick fix that doesn't include you. It boils down to lack of understanding because of lack of communications. Of course he clams up, and hides what he is doing because he doesn't want to hear your condescending remarks, nor your nagging him about YOUR needs. I suspect this has been going on in other areas of this relationship, and he hides anything he doesn't want to hear your mouth about.

Lack of sex is generally but a symptom of a problem you need to address in other areas of the relationship. By everything you have written over the last year or so, I can almost bet your approach to this issue, and your lack of being able to communicate is at the heart of the matter, and maybe a talk over coffee over why men masturbate may bring you some understanding and a better perspective so you can look at better ways of approaching this subject and get to the heart of the matter, especially since your way hasn't produced great results, and you are no closer to a solution than you were before.

You should be able to discuss and deal with any thing that comes up between you. Find out why you cannot. Sorry to be harsh, but I think your attitude gets in the way of you gaining the knowledge, and insights you need to figure out what needs to be done with your own husband.

Its not that he would rather pleasure himself, its just easier, and more convenient for him, and has NOTHING to do with you. How do I know I am right? Because he won't/can't honestly express himself to you and you don't know why! All you know is you aren't getting yours, and that's all you care about. That attitude will keep you from learning the truth of the matter so start talking when things are good and relaxed.

How does he have all that time to use up his man juice anyway? Don't you guys relate in other ways besides in the bedroom? You do know the brain is where the sex drive starts don't you, everything else is but a tool! Now open your mind and gain enough knowledge about your partner to get to the bottom of this glitch, and find a solution that benefits you both.

You are old enough to know better!! Look beyond the harshness, and just think about it for a while. Relationship problem solving 101- Honest communications, on all levels, and all subjects.