[sungirl27]

Threads merged

I'm 44 years old and have one child. I've always wanted a 2nd child but it still hasn't happened. I have been dating someone great now for a few months, but this person may be a commitment phobe. He made a few comments - jokingly - about how he's glad he's not married, etc. To make matters worse, he also told me if we ever did get married, it would have to be in a catholic church because this is important to him. I am divorced and would have to get a catholic annulment, which can take 12-16 months. My question is, do I stay in this knowing there is a chance he may be non-committal, and knowing even if it does work out the fact that we would have to wait for the annulment to come through would basically blow any remaining hope of a pregnancy since I may then be 46+! All these things are spinning through my mind, and its really too early in the relationship to dump these on him and may scare him away!

[Fr_Chuck]

You marry someone cause you love them, not for a stud service,

If you love them waiting 4 or 5 years would not matter.

Time to decide your real priority in this

[talaniman]

I think you slow your mind down and enjoy getting to know if he is even worth all of this future stuff you are thinking about. Have some fun and let things fall into place on there own.

As you said, its way to early to know even if he does have commitment issues or not.

[grammadidi]

As much as I think you are kind of jumping the gun worrying about all of this stuff, I really feel that if you are having these kinds of thoughts, concerns and worries at this stage of the game that you should move on. Gut instinct should never be underestimated in a woman.

I have to wonder if you are too focused on marriage and having another child, but if these things are extremely important to you and seemingly not important to someone you are interested in, then it's not going to work, anyhow. If you truly want to marry and have children relatively quickly then I also feel that you should be up front about that with any potential partner. In normal circumstances, true love is worth waiting for. In MOST normal circumstances one doesn't expect to meet, date, get to know their partner well enough to build a lasting relationship, both fall in love, get engaged, plan the wedding, get married and get pregnant in 2 years. I also hope you are aware of the risks of having a child at that age and that it could take longer to even conceive for the same reason.

Have you even asked this man if he would be interested in having a new child at this point in his life? A lot of men aren't thinking about becoming fathers at that point in their lives. Is it possible that your guy is feeling some pressure and giving you the idea he's a commitment phobe in order to slow you down?

You said that it's too early in the relationship to dump these on him as it might scare him away. In my opinion, if you are quite sincere and set upon getting married and having a child before you are 46 then I think you have to be honest and open about it to weed out the men who have no interest in doing the same.

Hugs, Didi

[sungirl27]

I first want to say that I realize you can't put "timelines" on relationships, however what I'm looking for here is "generally speaking" do you think a relationship moves faster when you are both in your 40s? Especially if you still want children? I've wasted a lot of time on frogs... just trying to be efficient since I'm not 21 anymore! Thank you

[I wish]

You're only as strong as your weakest link. The pace of the relationship can only move as fast as the slower person involved. Age, beliefs, experience and values all definitely play a role in the pace, but every relationship is still different. The most important part is to move at a pace that you're both comfortable with.

[DoulaLC]

Hi sungirl,

If you are wanting another child, and you feel it may take quite a bit of time for this man to commit and be on the same page, if ever, then you might really want to consider moving on.

While it is possible to become pregnant on your own in the mid-forties, the vast majority of women will require medical assistance for a chance of becoming pregnant, so time is not on your side for that endeavor.

I have to wonder if his joking comments about being glad that he is not married are a bit more than just joking. Perhaps a gentle way of informing you that he has no interest in that level of commitment. At least not at this point.

If you feel the potential for more of a relationship is there, then continue to see him. But as was said, I would be upfront about what you hope for in the not too distant future.

[talaniman]

Why are you even dating one guy when you are looking for a baby daddy, and mate for life?

Talaniman Rule - Date them all!!! Fat, short, skinny, or tall!! 18- 80, blind, cripple, or crazy!!!!

Then you have better choices instead of pinning all your hopes and dreams on one guy. Its all about options and opportunities, and taking risks outside your comfort zone. Tired of kissing frogs? Then why get stuck on one who hasn't turned into Prince Charming??

A few months of dating doesn't make a relationship, it makes comfort, he is still a frog... I mean stranger, that takes some getting to know if you should kiss him, or not!! The older you are, the slower you go, so you don't waste time on those mistakes of youth, who want everything right now, and will go for whatever looks good without thought of looking deeper. That takes too much time for them, what about you??

Don't let that "ticking clock" rush you into something you may regret.

[grammadidi]

(Sorry, Talaniman, have to spread the rep.)

Talaniman said: "The older you are, the slower you go, so you don't waste time on those mistakes of youth." OH YEAH! VERY true!!

I'd say, 'generally speaking' that intelligent people over 40 who really are looking for a lasting, happy, lifetime relationship built on love do NOT rush into anything. You think they move faster?? I'd say the adage "haste makes waste" is very fitting here. Yes, you MIGHT get lucky and find 'the one and only' but that would be the exception, rather than the rule.

At any rate, it sure doesn't sound like this guy fits into your life plan at this point in time. I'm thinking you may have to consider whether your desire to have another child is worth taking a chance on someone who doesn't even sound ready for marriage. I'd like to share a story with you...

I dated a man for 4 years between when I was 28 until I was 32. He seemed a little more interested in his career than in marrying a woman with 2 kids who had been single for six years when we first met, but I hung in there because he said and I believed that in time things would change. Eventually I said to him "You know, we've been seeing each other exclusively for over 4 years now. I'm NOT pushing you to ask me to marry you now, or even in the near future when I ask this, but I have to know. Do you feel that there is ANY chance for a future together at some point? Do you think you might consider asking me to marry you at some point in the future?" He asked me if I wanted the truth. I said "Yes, of course." and his response was "I honestly don't know." I had spent more than 4 years dating this man exclusively. I allowed myself to fall in love with him... and he "didn't know" if he'd ever want to marry me in the future!? I told him that was the answer I needed and the next day I told him that I was going to start dating other men and end the exclusiveness of our relationship. He was "fine with that" and "understood". I didn't date him at all after that - my choice.

Now, in my mind I had always hoped to have 4 children if it was financially feasible and I was in a happy marriage. It just wasn't meant to be. Instead, I had to have a hysterectomy due to pre-cancerous cells. I met the love of my life while I was recuperating from that surgery and we were married six years later. We were married until he passed away shortly after our 10th anniversary.

I learned that life is too short to waste it on things that don't really matter. I also learned that you have to sort out what is truly important to you and go for it... and that everything happens for a reason.

Just make sure that you chose what is truly important to you carefully and realize that no matter what your 'back-up' plan might be, you may find your life take a very different turn than you planned. Make each day a good and happy one and you should have no regrets. I hope it all works out for you...

Hugs, Didi

[sungirl27]

I greatly appreciate you sharing this with me! This was touching. I have a lot to think about... thank you so much!