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crzyhopper71 · Apr 23, 2011, 06:38 PM

Thank you so very much.

joypulv · Apr 23, 2011, 10:45 PM

I can see why mediation isn't working, and you really need to make it work. You have recent history that a lawyer may not want to take on without a retainer.
It's possible that your dream of leaving the state with your son (and daughter) is never going to happen, and you are the one who needs to get realistic about 50/50 custody.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 23, 2011, 11:19 PM

Mediation worked just not for me. I went in there and told her about my husbands work, I told her about my work. I then told her about what he does on the weekends and what I do. I thought by telling her about my husbands gambling and his late night partying, she would see why I wasn't going toagree with this 50/50. I quit doing all my bad habits, while I was still living with him. I told her that I do not go out, I stay home because at times my daughter wants to come home. I asked if it is good to have a live in girlfriend when we are still legally married, she said no relationship is good when your going through a divorce, you should rethink that. My son has told me when he's there at his dads that dad doesn't spend time with me(one on one time) I told her that and my husbands respond was that he didn't know. All I know is my needs didn't get answered. Yes I know I might not be taking my son with me. And I know in my heart and soul I won't be doing 50/50.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 23, 2011, 11:22 PM

And the retainer I can't remember but I think they said that I would have to pay. Now I would like to know why you said I can see why mediation isn't working? Can you explain more, please.

joypulv · Apr 24, 2011, 04:16 AM

Mediation by it's very definition is something in which both parties agree! To say it 'worked just not for me' is meaningless, and I'm afraid it is also an indication that you may not understand compromise in general.
Your 'bad habits' record is unfortunately right there in black and white, whether you have stopped or not. It may not be fair while he still gambles and parties, but that's life.
If the 50/50 is what is holding up the divorce settlement, then I would accept it and be done, and work on custody arrangements for long distance living, and maybe expenses for travel every other time. You might even lose travel, since you are the one moving far away.

cdad · Apr 24, 2011, 04:40 AM

Originally Posted by joypulv

Mediation by it's very definition is something in which both parties agree! To say it 'worked just not for me' is meaningless, and I'm afraid it is also an indication that you may not understand compromise in general.
Your 'bad habits' record is unfortunately right there in black and white, whether you have stopped or not. It may not be fair while he still gambles and parties, but that's life.
If the 50/50 is what is holding up the divorce settlement, then I would accept it and be done, and work on custody arrangements for long distance living, and maybe expenses for travel every other time. You might even lose travel, since you are the one moving far away.

Mediation when it applies to Family Law isn't as your stating. Its usually a forced situation by the state that parents have to participate in. There is no agreeing about it. The idea is that it is prefferable for the parents to reach their own settlement but its not always going to happen. And depending on the state it may or may not be admissible in court if there is no agreement. In this case as was stated by the OP, they broke a lot of the rules of mediation. So their statement is a valid one. Many states don't employ mediators but rather use councilers for getting the job done with no formal mediation training.

JudyKayTee · Apr 24, 2011, 07:50 AM

I am as much concerned about the truth coming out in bits and pieces as I am about the rest of this thread.

I work in the legal profession. I simply cannot believe that with the husband's income (he is not getting rich but he's also not unemployed) there is NO Lawyer in the entire area who will take this case, asking that the husband pay the legal bills.

When every avenue closes, when every suggestion is met with "Yes, but ...", when the World is against a person there is usually a reason why. Note that the parenting class offers divorce assistance (http://www2.state.id.us/fourthjudici...20Children.htm). Why is this avenue also not available to the OP?

My feeling? OP is not going to listen to the Attorney anyway, is consumed with some sort of need for revenge or teaching the husband a lesson or something.

And with the criminal record (DWI/DUI with the children in the car?) jail time was the end of it - no probation, no classes?

Sorry. I'm in NY, not in Idaho, obviously things are different in Idaho but I find this beyond belief.

And to OP - just because you don't like the advice doesn't mean it's wrong. Unfair reddie.

ScottGem · Apr 24, 2011, 07:54 AM

Comments on this post
crzyhopper71 does not find this helpful : because it didn't give advice

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html

A negative rating is only to be used for a factually incorrect answer. The answer you rated was not factually incorrect, therefore the negative rating was totally uncalled for.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 24, 2011, 10:56 AM

Yes and no. Let me ask you this.. if you know this person like the back your hand inside and out, and the only reason he wants the child so he doesn't have to pay arm and leg, what are you going to do? Just sit there and let him get by or are you going to stand up and fight? My husband pushes me in a corner until I break down. He didn't even want this child in the beginning! He has a 18 yr old daughter that he didn't even fight for! Doesn't even see! And she was 7 when I started dating him, so why don't you try and figure out that puzzle. Because I've been there and done that. And right now I don't really give 2 hoots about what you say! I love my son, he's not a piece of trash that you can just pick up and toss away. If that's what you want to do then that's fine byme but it's not how I roll sister!

JudyKayTee · Apr 24, 2011, 10:59 AM

OP has become even more argumentative and insulting.

Legal advice is going nowhere because OP won't listen.

Her comments to "Joy" are WAY of line.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:01 AM

I'm sorry I didn't you!! You have been giving me some good advice. Some have just been upsetting me.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:02 AM

Yes, thank you.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 24, 2011, 11:14 AM

The issue here is that if his behavior is not harmful to the child, and he can show or at least the court feels, the husband is wanting to be part of the child's life. Even if he was a drug addict he would most likely get at least visits ( perhaps supervised, but as long as the father of the child wants to be part of the child's life, you are not going to get to move away, so get the idea of moving away out of your head, The idea is what is the best deal you can get now.

Next stop listening to what you husband says, in fact he is lying, if you want lie back to him, tell him your attorney tells you that you could get this or that if you want. ** I would not but you are beliving what he is saying for some reason.

You will need to go into mediation with first realistic goals and then be willing to give and take to work out a deal.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:22 AM

Thank you for for link. I don't know much about searching the web. Some of my court fees have been paid for, it's getting lawyer that's hard. I don't have nothing against my husband. I just don't want him thinking he can take advantage of me. About the crimal record all that happened back in Minnesota, I didn't get a DUI, I wasn't drunk, did the test and it under the legal limit, but that still doesn't give me the right to say it was OK to do. It was wrong! I had 2 yrs of probation. And 3 yrs of treatment. 18 days in jail.

JudyKayTee · Apr 24, 2011, 11:30 AM

Thank you for for link. I don't know much bout searching the web. Some of my court fees have been paid for, it's getting lawyer that's hard. I don't have nothing against my husband. I just don't want him thinking he can take advantage of me. Bout the crimal record all that happened back in Minnesota, I didn't get a DUI, I wasn't drunk, did the test and it under the legal limit, but that still doesn't give me the right to say it was ok to do. It was wrong! I had 2 yrs of probation. And 3 yrs of treatment. 18 days in jail.

Now I'm really confused - you were sentenced to 2 years of probation, 3 years of treatment, 18 days in jail - and you did nothing?

Where it happened doesn't matter. It's part of your criminal record which the Court will look at.

ScottGem · Apr 24, 2011, 11:32 AM

Originally Posted by crzyhopper71

And she was 7 when I started dating him, so why don't you try and figure out that puzzle.

Please stop using the Comments feature for follow-up questions or info. Use the Answer Options.

So you knew this guy was a lousy father when you started dating him. Yet you married him and had a child with him?

I can understand your wanting to protect your child. But what it comes down to is the law is not going to let you. So if you want ANYTHING out of him, then you are going to have to compromise. So you let him have visitation. You then keep a detailed record of each time he fails to pick up the child. Then in a year or so, you go back to the court, show that he is not exercising his visitation and ask for a modification.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:36 AM

Yes I know, it's very hard I just want what's best for my son, my son wants to be with me. And that's what's hard because I'm fighting for what my son wants! I just don't want my son to think that I gave up on him! My son understands this better then me sometimes I think. And I don't want to lie, I just want this to be done right. Thank you

crzyhopper71 · Apr 24, 2011, 11:51 AM

I didn't say I didn't do nothing, what I did I had the kids in car at time. And all I wanted to do was to drop them off at my sisters, so they wouldn't have to be there to see us fight. Yes I know they will look

JudyKayTee · Apr 24, 2011, 12:06 PM

If you weren't DUI or DWI why did you get this sentence? You can drink alcohol and have kids in your car as long as you aren't intoxicated.

crzyhopper71 · Apr 24, 2011, 12:07 PM

Thanks for all your advice, I will be checking out some things at the court house tomorrow(link I got). I will also be calling a lawyer to see what they can do for me. Health and Welfare, see if they know something about this emergency support thing. I just have a lot to think about. My son, my life, my moms life and what's really important. And how I can manage putting it all together to work out.
So you knew this guy was a lousy father when you started dating him. Yet you married him and had a child with him? I think I was just blind, thinking that he will get better with time, you know what I mean. I got pregnant before we got married, and yes dumb.