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LeonaDy · Apr 19, 2011, 06:41 PM

Hello,
I am 17 years old and in university (hence mature for my age, although I admit I still am a teenager). I met this guy, very nice and very friendly, who asked me out. I then proceeded to tell him that I am 17 which is most likely much younger than him. Then he informed me he was almost 25. Awkward moment right there while the information about the 8 years difference sunk in. However, he concluded that he doesn't mind. I'm not so sure how I feel about it though. We kept talking that same evening and I did a little disambiguation on what being 17 actually means because, keep in mind, he doesn't know me very well just yet. His answer was a kiss so I took that as a "I still don't mind". But he slept on it.. Then he changed his mind, saying maybe we should see other people, keep in touch and see in two years or so. I didn't object because I know that not dating him is the sensible thing to do. However, he then asks me if we can see each other again after exams and I answer jokingly that it's all right as long as he is not afraid to be seen with an underaged girl. That's when I figured he wan't thinking about seeing be again as friends because he got a little nervous and proposed we meet when I turn 18 instead (in a few months). So, what I'm making of this is that he doesn't really want to wait until I'm older (the age difference will be the same anyway, it never made much sense). If you're still following this, here's where the problem is : now I am second guessing him because of that. He bravely said age doesn't matter to then be caught up is a "I'll wait until you're officially of age" idea. If he truly likes me as he says then why are official boundaries so important? I believe that age shouldn't matter if the relationship is worth a try (I accept contradictions with a valid argument on that opinion).

(Those who would like to bring up the no sex before marriage argument, please abstain from doing so. I am atheist and not a virgin, informed and responsible. Thank you.)

JudyKayTee · Apr 19, 2011, 06:50 PM

I don't understand the connection between being an atheist and having sex at your age. I very seldom see people preach on the "are you old enough" boards. I also don't see any connection between being very mature - and being in collee/university.

But: Depending on where you are you may be underage. If things turn sexual he could be arrested.

I don't have a problem with this age spread if you are in College/University. However, I do question why he, at 25, presumably with a career, is interested in a college student.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 19, 2011, 07:03 PM

Of course a 25 year old would want to have a trophy of a 17 year old. And of course if 17 is legal in your state, he does not mind at all.

Of course with a 8 year age difference he may be close enough to date your mom if she was single also, ( age difference the other way.

So what do you want from the relationship

LeonaDy · Apr 19, 2011, 07:05 PM

I don't understand the connection between being an atheist and having sex at your age. I very seldom see people preach on the "are you old enough" boards. I also don't see any connection between being very mature - and being in collee/university.

I'm sorry if a bit of it was unclear. The no sex before marriage is a religious saying. Being an atheist, I do not intend to marry, not even under the law and not the Church. I'll spare you my anti-institutionnal rant. Second, I am fairly young to be in university. That is because I was judged apt to skip certain parts of my education because I got good grades and because I am mature. That's what I meant.

ScottGem · Apr 20, 2011, 03:59 AM

Originally Posted by LeonaDy

I believe that age shouldn't matter if the relationship is worth a try (I accept contradictions with a valid argument on that opinion).

(Those who would like to bring up the no sex before marriage argument, please abstain from doing so. I am atheist and not a virgin, informed and responsible. Thank you.)

I want to first deal with this part of your initial post. When you post a question on a site like this, you open yourself up to ANY answer that does not violate the site rules. So please do not presume to dictate how we can respond to your post.

Second, being able to enter university early is a sign of intelligence, not maturity. I've encountered 14 yr olds who got into college, but are still 14 when it comes to maturity. That doesn't mean you aren't mature, because you do sound mature, just that you are stating a cause and effect that doesn't necessarily follow.

I will not make the sex only in marriage argument, but I do question the link between atheism and marriage. Also the prohibition of sex outside of marriage is not purely a religious argument. The fact is that the family unit developed out of a societal need to provide care for children. Religions only seek to enforce that need. But I will make the argument that sex is NOT recreation. Sexual intimacy is something to be shared by two people in a loving committed relationship. It is cheapened In my opinion when done as a recreation and purely for the physical pleasure.

Now getting off the soapbox. 17 is over the age of consent in Canada. I don't know if this guy is aware of that or not. But there are several warning signs here, that you are obviously picking up on. So you need to go slow. An 8 yr difference when both are adults is not a big deal. It becomes a bigger deal when one or both is not an adult.

My take is the guy enjoyed your company but is bothered by your age and doesn't know if the relatively brief time he's spent with you is enough to overcome that barrier.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 20, 2011, 05:23 AM

Yes, it seems that this person has some "chip" on their shoulder about their religious belief, no one has even addressed it really except her. Do you start telling everyone you meet in life that you do not believe in a God ?

And what does that have to do with marriage, marriage legally from the state has nothing to do with religion it merely gives the partner legal rights they do not have without it.

LeonaDy · Apr 20, 2011, 06:30 AM

Again, I will spare you my anti-institutionnal rant. Let's just say I have a very specific way of thinking that englobes a lot of different existing ideologies and you would probably be horrified with it.

Scottgem, thank you for actually giving me your opinion on the actual subject of my question. I would just like to clarify that I do not have sex for pleasure recreationally. I have HAD sex before with my boyfriend at the time. I have not had multiple partners either. We broke up about 10 months ago and I have not engaged in sexual activity since that time because I do believe sex and love go together. I would not sleep with this 25 year old guy on the first date, far from that. I see your point in telling me not to dictate how you should answer the question, I was just trying to get answers that I would actually be relevant to me. I'll try to be less stringent in the future.

NeedKarma · Apr 20, 2011, 06:34 AM

Originally Posted by LeonaDy

Being an atheist, I do not intend to marry

Those two aren't related BTW. I'm atheist and married.

LeonaDy · Apr 20, 2011, 06:37 AM

Again, I will spare you my anti-institutionnal rant. Let's just say I have a very specific way of thinking that englobes a lot of different existing ideologies and you would probably be horrified with it.

I don't expect you to understand the way I feel about this. I do not intend to marry. My opinion may change over time but, right now, it's not an option for me.

NeedKarma · Apr 20, 2011, 06:42 AM

No problem, I was just pointing out that many religious people have that feeling as well, it's not a prerequisite to being an atheist.

ITstudent2006 · Apr 20, 2011, 07:07 AM

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ScottGem again.

What this means is that I agree with what ScottGem said. While you sound mature by using big words with complex meanings along with complex sentences, maturity has NOTHING to do with intelligence or grade or stance in life. I have 24 year old friends that are less mature than my 17 yr old brother.

The biggest thing I noticed is that you picked up on all of these little signs. You realized little quirks about this guy that seem to bother you (hence coming to AMHD). No one knows you better than you, act accordingly and you'll be fine.

talaniman · Apr 20, 2011, 07:19 PM

You may be smart as a whip, but I will reserve the judgment on mature as its irrelevant to your question.

The best course of action with anyone is to get to know who it is you are talking to, and hanging out for a while would be the best way to find out about them, as friends, and don't presume what their motives are, or how they feel about anything until you get the facts. That does mean not getting carried away with unreasonable expectations, or high hopes that they may feel as you do, without paying attention, and getting facts.

Just to point out to an inconsistency you just told a 13 year old it was okay to date a 17 year old but here you are having second thoughts about a college mate because he is older. I bring this up because as mature as you say you are, which I do question, to be honest, you are not practicing what you preach. Having sex with a boyfriend doesn't make you mature, being in UNI at 17, doesn't make you mature. Making good decisions for yourself does, so separate fear from fact, and see that right now for whatever reason you are afraid of this guy, and should take it slowly, and cautiously, if that's what you decide to do.

That would be mature.

LeonaDy · Apr 20, 2011, 07:48 PM

you are not practicing what you preach.

If you read what I said to that girl you will see that I said there is no time like the present and if you love him, be with him. Then if you read my concern here, you see that I am having doubts about him for being inconsistent. I said age difference shouldn't matter if the relationship is worth a try.

And do feel free to question my maturity. I understand how people here are thinking I'm loony/irresponsible/arrogant/etc. I have a way of giving my opinion very decidedly and, unfortunately, if you just read it as text, it sounds harsh. Truth is I am very calm and soft spoken. People find it easy to debate with me face to face because of my way of being strong minded in a soft and patient way. On your screen, you read it as though I'm yelling obscenities. I doubt that you (and any other admirer of mine here) would feel this way if they actually heard what I have to say. Of course, without stating any usernames, some people here are very close minded, which doesn't help.

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ScottGem again.

That is like telling a child he is too young to have an opinion, it's not just. Although I'm new here, I won't be shy to denounce hypocrisies when I see them. Speaking out is precisely what makes us go forward.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 20, 2011, 09:59 PM

I would think this man is questioning himself. While the age limit is legal you are still technically a teenager. He is probably asking himself "what the heck am I thinking"
I can't imagine a 25 year old man has much in common with a 17 year old.
You may be bright and in college but you are still a teen and it's pretty obvious.

ScottGem · Apr 21, 2011, 03:38 AM

Originally Posted by LeonaDy

You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to ScottGem again.

That is like telling a child he is too young to have an opinion, it's not just. Although I'm new here, I won't be shy to denounce hypocrisies when I see them. Speaking out is precisely what makes us go forward.

I'm not sure what you are referring to here. This site has a restriction on rating other's posts. Once you have rated a post, you can't rate another post from the same person until you have used the feature for other people a few times. All ITStudent was saying was that he agreed with what I said.

Anyone can have an opinion. But In my opinion an opinion needs to have a basis. I can say its my opinion that the moon is made of green cheese. Other people can then challenge my opinion but showing facts and logic to back up why my opinion is wrong. That's one of the principles of this site. People are entitled to their opinions and some opinions can't be proven one way or the other. But if you are going to voice an opinion, you better make sure you can back it up, because it may be challenged.

LeonaDy · Apr 21, 2011, 04:09 AM

Code:

But if you are going to voice an opinion, you better make sure you can back it up, because it may be challenged.

That's the problem. I do back it but I didn't repeat every single argument prior to the part that was challenged (attacked?). Then it evolves into people challenging my response, forgetting what I said before that invalidates their argument. By the way, he was talking about another thread than this one, where I said that the girl should date but wait a few years before taking it to the next level. At the end, I was accused of promoting illegal activities. I can back it, but it's hard to maintain credibility when the opposite debater takes up specific points to make me say what they want. It's not all their fault though, I know that. In future, I'll make sure my answers are more concise and that they repeat the moral part of the argument (because I understand people can't re-read through my previous posts every time they want to reply).

ScottGem · Apr 21, 2011, 05:06 AM

We do allow POLITE debate here. So challenges should not be attacks. If you feel you were attacked, then use the Report Inappropriate Post link and the MODs will review it.

talaniman · Apr 21, 2011, 12:47 PM

Lets get back to the fellow in question, get to know who you are dealing with before you get carried away by feelings of fancy, or put yourself in awkward or bad situations.

As for my disdain, that's my problem. Don't take it personally. I do that when I disagree with something that's written.

Cat1864 · Apr 21, 2011, 01:20 PM

I am going to point out that there are other reasons than sex for a 25 year old to decide not to get involved with a 17 year old. He may not want to take the chance of getting accused of supplying an underage person with alcohol or want to be limited in where he can go and what he can legally do on a date (once again, I am not talking about sex.)

Quite frankly though, he may have gotten tired of hearing you repeat, 'I'm only 17.' From what you have written here, it sounds like you made sure that point was made several times.

As for some of your other points, don't lose sight of your common sense. It is all too easy for younger people who are thrust into an older crowd to think that they have to do the same things the older people are doing to 'fit in'. Sometimes, they don't realize how deep the water is until they have to look up to see the surface.

Good luck in your studies.

DoulaLC · Apr 21, 2011, 02:10 PM

Originally Posted by LeonaDy

If he truly likes me as he says then why are official boundaries so important? I believe that age shouldn't matter if the relationship is worth a try (I accept contradictions with a valid argument on that opinion).

(Those who would like to bring up the no sex before marriage argument, please abstain from doing so. I am atheist and not a virgin, informed and responsible. Thank you.)

Perhaps asking him why the boundaries are important would be more prudent. After all, we would only be second guessing his thoughts/beliefs.

Age should matter, for a variety of reasons, especially if legality could play a role in the relationship, as Cat pointed out. Dating and enjoying each others' company is one thing... it could be entirely different if, for example, it became sexual in nature.

As well, it is important to remember that while you believe you are mature and responsible enough to be having sex, it is quite likely you would not be in a position to have, and raise, a child adequately on your own should you become pregnant.