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chaaa · Apr 9, 2011, 07:15 PM

So me & my boyfriend have talked about him going to a strip club & he knows that I feel uncomfortable with him going. He knows the thought of it makes me sick. I can't stand to imagine him looking at other women who are undressing themselves & are willing to do whatever for money. His sisters' fiancé decided to go to a strip club & he decided to go. He didn't ask me, or ask if I was even okay with it, he just assumed I would say "Dont drink too much & have fun" KNOWING HOW I FEEL ABOUT HIM GOING! I'm extremely angry but I haven't showed him that I am. I asked him what time, where, with who etc. & he got so mad because I asked. Am I suppose to be OK with it? How do I explain that I feel he didn't consider what I would feel :(

tickle · Apr 10, 2011, 03:13 AM

It all boils down to how secure you feel in your relationship. I don't think going to a strip club is cheating, I don't think watching porn is cheating. This is something men have done throughout time as a diversion and has nothing to do with how much they love their s/o. Do you really think he will not go because you said not too? That would be a definite invitation for him to go!

No, just tell him to enjoy himself. A healthy relationship is give and take. You love him, he loves you. Base it all on trust.

Tick

Cat1864 · Apr 10, 2011, 06:40 AM

I was reading your reply to another poster in her thread and I am wondering if your experience with having a previous boyfriend cheat on you is affecting how you react to certain situations in this relationship. Are you expecting this boyfriend to cheat if you don't control his interactions with other women?

How much do you actually know about strippers and their performances that isn't based on speculations and TV shows where they are portrayed as prostitutes who give a better preview of the 'goods'? What do you actually know about the strip club that you boyfriend went to with his future brother-in-law?

Strip clubs and dancers are selling fantasy and in some places drinks (depending on the laws where they are located.) They cannot make a man or woman (there are male strip clubs) do something that he/she wouldn't do given any other opportunity. 'The stripper made me do it' defense is a lame excuse for bad behavior.

Have you listened to his views on strip clubs or are you trying to force him to see it the same way you do? What about other forms of erotica such as magazines, books and movies that are viewed in your own home? Are they allowed? Is he allowed to masturbate with or without erotica?

'Should he have taken your feelings into account' brings up the question of 'should you take his feelings into account?' There isn't a clear-cut answer because it is a boundary that a couple has to discuss and come to a compromise that both can handle. It means listening to the other person's views like you want them to listen to yours.

Do you trust him? Are you looking for reasons not to trust him? If you trust him, then a strip club is nothing more than a boy's night out. If you don't trust him, then going to the grocery store is a cause for concern.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 10, 2011, 07:00 AM

Yes, first 99 percent of strip clubs, the girls do not "do whatever" for money, they merely strip. They may rub up against him ( with his clothes on) but that is about it and even that is limited in many of the better clubs.

Many of the strippers are college girls merely earning money for college or others who see this as a job or income.

It is a matter of trust, if he is going to cheat, he is more likely to cheat with someone at work than at a strip club.

chaaa · Apr 10, 2011, 10:26 AM

I didn't think about it in any of these views, thank you. I guess the agreement we had on him not going to a strip club, made it difficult for me to understand or even try to know what he felt/thought about it. He went & there is nothing I can do about it but this is a serious relationship & in the end, I'm not comfortable with the idea of him sitting & girls dancing all around him. I think that's too much temptation but hopefully we can work this out.. We already had talked about this, I'm not sure what happened to that conversation.. But I am seeing this from a different point of view so thank you all.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 10, 2011, 10:40 AM

Your feelings of insecurity have nothing to do with him but with you.
Could you watch a stranger strip without later having sex with him?
He went to a strip club not on a date with another woman. Get over it. If you can't, leave him alone. Why should he have to deal with your hang ups and insecurities.

This is something you need to work out, not him.

Homegirl 50 · Apr 10, 2011, 12:39 PM

I said you had insecurities and you do. We all have insecurities to a degree.
Insecure, uncomfortable with him seeing women in a room with other people (it's not like he is alone with them) asking if this is cheating...
That sounds like insecurity to me. But if you're not, you're not!
But your being upset over him going to a strip club thinking seeing women undress may be too tempting is your problem, not his.
It sounds like you are not secure in your relationship with him. Otherwise it would not be an issue.

talaniman · Apr 10, 2011, 02:26 PM

No its not cheating, nor would you and your girlfriends going to a male strippers club be cheating either. Maybe it makes you feel uncomfortable, but its not wrong.

Get mad, burn the toast, whatever, but deal with your insecurities, or is it moral differences?

Talk about it when your calm, and while you feel he isn't considering your feelings, what about his?

Calls for communications, and compromise. My gosh, do you really want to start a war over one night in your relationship? Heck all he will remember is the high priced drinks any way.