[NeckerCube]

I've been thinking stupid lately, thinking about breaking NC.

[amicon]

Well,that would be stupid,so don't.

It'll only set you back.

Stay strong.

[NeckerCube]

... the thing is, I still get angry when I think about her. I don't understand why she had to be so cold to me.

[amicon]

You'll probably never find out,and I couldn't tell you why.

Most often,when I can't make head or tails out of a situation,I just put it to rest.

Life's too short to spend time trying to figure out where some people are coming from.

[NeckerCube]

:(

[talaniman]

Get as mad as you want, just don't do anything stupid.

Contacting her because you are mad is... stupid, to put it mildly.

Go hit a few golf balls, play darts with her picture, that's what we guys do when we get mad.

[NeckerCube]

... I still blame myself. And I can't get over it. How can I live like this? I wake up, go to bed, every day, thinking about how I messed up my relationship with two people that were close to me. How can I ever get close to someone again? Will anyone get to close to me?

I'm exhausted. It takes a lot out of me, having to constantly reason with myself and explain what happened. I can't concentrate, not even on the new toys I bought... for awhile I thought I was distracted, but now I'm falling again...

[NeckerCube]

I'm even thinking about calling my former friend... I bought an electric guitar but I have no one to talk about it with... and it just makes me think of him too because... I mean he's striving to become a famous lead guitarist... but it's also... he was my best friend... I lived with the guy...

It makes me sad because one relationship cannot exist with the other. And they chose each other. I don't blame them.

One moment I think it's fine to call him, and I feel fine with talking to him, and I feel like he and I could be friends again... then I get mad, I get mad at myself, I get mad at him, I get mad at her; I realize I don't just want to be friends with him, I want to be friends with her too... and they're a couple... but I don't know if they're dating again, but even if they were not... I can't be friends with either of them... because they don't want to my friend...

[adviceishere]

I could be wrong but from my experience, guys seem a lot more forgiven to their guy friends in these types of situation. I think you should take the risk and call him. He might hang up and you will never speak to him again but it will lay something to rest and give you a little peace of mind. He might even speak back to you and it will still give you some kind of peace. I reckon what ever the outcome, part of this anger will be laid to rest. But doing nothing and letting your bitterness eat you up won't do anything. Hope I made sense! :O

[kctiger]

I have been in a situation similar to yours, although I did not fall in love with the girl. I must say, I am a bit perplexed by your interesting way of turning this into a bigger drama than it really is. While I understand you are feeding off a ball of emotions, the bottom line is that you have got to learn to (and this is the simplest term possible) : GET OVER IT! Self pity can absolutely destroy you if you allow it to.

It sucks to say, we all make mistakes and we all lose friends in life. It happens. I've lost some of the best friends a guy could ask for, for a multitude of reasons. Life moves on, with you, or without you. Once you forgive yourself (stop acting so self righteous - no one is perfect), I think you'll have an entirely new perspective on this. You aren't God, you are a human who followed his heart - that leads to great things, and it can also lead to pretty stupid things. You cannot allow your own self defecating attitude to control your life.

Easier said than done, but to summarize (pun off an earlier post): Let it GO! :)

This site is a true testament to the fact that there are millions of people who have made mistakes, who have had their hearts broken, gone through countless tragedies, and eventually got through all that mess. Don't sell yourself short thinking that you too won't do the same. You will. And the advice I have read on your thread given by others is really nothing short of spectacular and serves as a great supplement to the professional help you also have.

[NeckerCube]

Thanks for the advice.

[NeckerCube]

Thank you :(

[NeckerCube]

... hey guys... I'm not doing so well. Barely two months have passed; it feels like its been years. I'm exhausted from pretending like things are getting better, I just really can't see it that way.

A couple things have been bothering me lately. I'm worried I'm going to call one of them around the three month mark. I stopped marking the days off my calendar, but last night, I had a look; it was discouraging.

I'll be honest, I can't think of a good reason to call. Everyone's right, I have no reason to call; my call would be pointless. But eventually I'll find a reason to call; then I'll have to decide who I'm going to call first.

One reason why I'd call my friend is to apologize. I never really took the chance to apologize; it's hard to apologize without some kind of reconciliation. It's even harder when the person doesn't need an apology.

... and so I think I'm going to call him tonight...

[NeckerCube]

... and I'm thinking about writing her a letter bringing up the whole text message thing, about how I think she took a look at my messages and found that I was texting three other girls, one being my therapist, another a lesbian friend, and... the other... I don't know... but my texts with my therapist looks like a craigslist hookup, I always flirt with lesbians, so she might have seen that too... and I don't know, I'm just thinking of reasons to break NC... but this issue is really bugging me... which makes me sad because it doesn't matter if she did or did not see my texts...

[talaniman]

What does your therapist say about all this??

[NeckerCube]

She doesn't say anything much; most therapy sessions is very similar to coming to an online forum to share thoughts and get feedback, just you talaniman are not here physically, as my therapist is... but, my mood fluctuates drastically throughout the day, one moment I'm fine, then my chest hurts and my heart aches as I start thinking about fond memories of her an I... then I drift back into work, then I see my friend, and remember the good times... dammit, I'm thinking about them right now; they sign onto AIM together, and so I am sure they are dating again, and I have nothing against that, they were meant to be together, just, I'm sorry too...

I'm going to have to stop seeing my therapist, I think she has given up on me and is using the excuse of schedule conflict to get rid of me, but that's just my pessimistic view on the situation; she has kids to take care of and drives an hour just to meet my schedule... so I feel bad.

[NeckerCube]

To answer your question, she encourages me to make my own decisions, to trust myself, and to live with the decisions I have made; that's one of the main things I have to change because I'm not comfortable with my Future, well that's just how I see it, I'm headed down a dark path and I'm constantly slipping and drowning... I can't live like this... it's tiring.

I look back, and they say Never look back. I look back and see no one, if you really know me, you'd figure out that I have never retained any friends, from pre-school till now, I don't fit in, and when I do, I screw up.

My best friend was... my best friend. As for the girl, she's the closest I've been with the opposite sex, and I don't mean physically... we moved fast because she was on the rebound, and as unhealthy as it was for whatever relationship we had... it was nice.

I know I need to move on, I know I need to get over this, I know I will... but I really don't want to...

[NeckerCube]

I forgot who mentioned this... but someone expressed that they are thankful for having their break ups and downs in the past because he's happy he's with his wife, and if he didn't get dumped in the past, he wouldn't be where he is now. I'm trying to have Faith. I'm trying to believe this done will come... but will I be there? I don't see myself in the Future, that's the problem, so I miss myself Now... whatever that means I don't know, but that's what I'm feeling.

I just got back from the gym, and this time I didn't get runner's high; lately this depression has been over powering me, and so I frequent this forum to cry for help...

My therapist is one that relates most of what I feel to my childhood and my mother... I agree with my therapist because eventually, as I grew up, that's the way I see things...

I've read articles online about this, well one article on the art of manliness website...

[NeckerCube]

... side note, it was my ex that gave me that book for my birthday... art of manliness; I am thankful because she remembered what I told her...

I know that what most Men think, they think I'm just a wuss and I need to Man up... I totally agree. I am striving to become a Man because I am not quite there yet. I have Values, but this Test... these Tests, I fail them.

Most males I know are not Men. My boss is a Man. He is a Father top that. I know I'm still young, 23, but I feel it's too late.

Thinking about all this makes me sad. I'm already thinking I'm going to die alone.

To quote Holden Caulfiend... it's like an Inferior Complex...

I see myself as expendable, and not worth much. A part of me wishes Jigsaw would put me to the test to see whether I value my Life. That's scary, but it puts things into perspective... I'm even more angry because I am sure I'd want to live. Who the hell wants die... like how some do in the movie Saw... but some people do want to die.

[NeckerCube]

Or they want to give their life away; because if I could trade places, if I could gift a part of my Life to some one who won't take it for granted... that would be nice. Because I can't see the value of my Life. I woke up one day and felt different, I woke up one day and now I'm here...

I'm not trying to make excuses; I for one hate excuses; but I don't want to feel like this... I really don't...

But if I don't reach out and whine and complain and cry and... I'd end up alone and no one will know me... I could disappear right now and no one would find out until I was long gone... sometimes I really think hard about doing that... but I'm too scared... scared to be Nobody.

The thing is, when I can enjoy Life, hell, I'm having Fun. But something about me can't just have Fun and Enjoy Life.

And so I'm Doomed? That's what I Imagine.

It's like I woke up one day and realized I'm doomed. And literally... that's what happened.
I started thinking of Fate and Destiny.