[Fixer12]

Recently from an incident I had found that my girlfriend had slept with another guy when we were broken up for a week.

It was a time when I was very confused on what I had wanted, and we stopped talking for a couple days. She had been very lonely and heartbroken from this event, and had a guy come over for company. One thing had led to another, and they ended up sleeping together. She told me that she ended up calling it off in the middle of the sex, because she knew she still loved me. They never talked or saw each other since that night.

This happened about 6 months ago, and because of other things, I ended up finding out from one of her friends. She never told me because she was afraid of hurting me. When I approached her, she did admit to what she did and started crying. She knew because of a last relationship I had with a girl who slept around a lot behind my back that I wouldn't take it well.

She and I have been together for a total of 2 years. And she is planning on moving out next month across the country to be with me. She and I have never done anything else bad or cheated on one another, and I can't really consider this cheating since we were broken up at the time, but it still hurts.

I am doing my best to forgive her and not use this incident against her at all, but it's so hard to not imagine what happened. I feel like because I broke up with her at the time, it caused this to happen. I am trying so hard to forgive her, but it's so difficult, and I am really scared of getting hurt again. She has been crying the last 2 days trying to let me know how much she cares and love me, and I am thankful for that, but it doesn't change the fact that she lied to me when I asked her about it 6 months ago.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. THank you.

[grammadidi]

When someone you love lies to you and it is a one-time thing the only thing that will help you through it is time and patience. You will learn to trust again as she proves herself trustworthy. I would strongly suggest that she should put off coming to be with you right away because that might muddy the waters a little. Take things slow and hopefully you will both find that the trust begins to return in time. Of course, you have to really be sure that you WANT to let it go first.

Good luck!

Hugs, Didi

[Fixer12]

Thank you Didi,

The only problem is that there won't be another time where we can both move to be with each other for a very long time if we don't do it in a month.

I am trying my best to forget about it, I know she feels horrible for lying. I just need to find a way to start forgiving her. I sure hope I am doing the right thing. She has never hurt me before.

[mystific]

It'll be a slow process.. for you and her.

There'll be times when you will forget about it.. and something will be seen on TV or heard from someone else about someone else who slept with another and it will all come flooding back. You will feel that pain, she will feel the guilt.

You will have arguments, and mid argument, you will use that against her as a 'hitting point'.

These things will happen. It is up to you both to talk it out. Figure it out how you're going to get past this as a couple.

It is an intricate borderline, but 'technically' you weren't together. She saw the error of her ways even during this and stopped it. You have to allow for this. Even during, she was thinking of you and how the 'act' was wrong.

End of the day, it will really be down to you and how you solve it in your own head. But you need to communicate openly about how it could / is affecting you and how you choose to resolve it.

[Fixer12]

Thank you mystific,

I know that this is going to be hard. It already is. It's so hard to trust anyone after something has happened. I know in the end it is how I resolve and deal with the issue, and I am going to do my best.

[talaniman]

While I agree with the other posters, you do need a lot of time to get over your hurt and pain, I don't agree with you taking the blame for her actions, not at all. She made her choices and until you can stop feeling guilty about what she did, you will never forgive yourself and be healthy enough to make good decisions for yourself.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ek-477739.html

Lets not forget the reason for the break up in the first place, and while you have obviously made up, and moved forward, finding out the way you did about what she did, is not a great way to repair a relationship, and I think you must have had some idea of something wrong since you did make the effort to dig deeper, or am I missing something here?

If this relationship is to continue, get beyond the crying, and all the emotions, and figure out between you how you intend to move forward, and especially you, how you will heal, and stay within the boundaries of good behavior, to get beyond the past and move into building for a future.

No sir, you don't get to wanting to try without a full commitment to be able to do the right thing, and have her move to you without knowing that you will put this in the past, and leave it there. You both are investing a lot, so talk now, and get all those feelings, and FEARS out, and give this some thought before you jump into something you just can't handle.

Now is the time for the blunt honesty, not half stepping because of past feelings.

[grammadidi]

Okay, here's my honest opinion and it will probably be tough to hear. When I gave my original response to this question I had read every post you have written on AMHD before responding. It was apparent to me that you tend to let your heart rule your head and that you do a LOT to please other people under the guise of being happy. :( While making other people happy is admirable you MUST take care of yourself first and foremost. In all honesty I really think you have a lot to learn about yourself before you will be capable of having a mature, lasting relationship.

I KNOW how difficult it is to lose someone you love deeply as well as how difficult long distance relationships are. I also know how difficult it is to make a lasting relationship work when moving from a long distance one to a "together" one. I draw on my experience as a counselor in addition to my life experiences to write this answer for you.

I waited a lot of years to marry the right person, especially after coming from an abusive first marriage. I stayed single for 16 years after that marriage until I finally agreed to marry the love of my life after a six year relationship. Two weeks before our 10th anniversary we learned that he was dying. A week after that he had surgery and was given less than six weeks to live. He lived 5 months. It was the most painful time of my life and to this day I don't know how I got through it.

2 1/2 years later I met my present husband. We lived about 850 miles apart. We were together every 3rd weekend and six weeks a year before we were married. That wedding was 2 years to the day after we met, but we remained a long distance relationship for another 39 1/2 months until we could finally be together. We have now been together 24/7 for 4 months and believe me, love doesn't mean easy! :)

When I read through all your previous posts I see that you have both have gone through a lot of differing feelings, experiences, thoughts, etc. I see that the relationship has not been an easy one right from the start and your 'role' in it seems to be based upon your desire not to hurt someone else or your feeling responsible for other people's feelings.

I honestly don't see that you and your girlfriend have any solid ground on which to build a lasting relationship yet. In all the time you have been in a relationship you have not yet learned how to problem solve together or communicate openly and honestly with one another. I even question if the commitment exists yet in either of your hearts - especially hers. Let me tell you, when you lose someone you love... you TRULY love... you do NOT jump into the arms of a new partner that quickly.

It is for those reasons (and more) that I told you that I believe she should NOT move close to you yet. It is clear that you have a tendency to be impulsive and react on emotions first and reality second. If she comes to you, and you have NOT resolved your present issues you will probably mistake her presence as love. Six months ago you didn't even know if you wanted this relationship and she bedded another man. I don't feel that you two are anywhere near forming anything lasting at this point in time.

I believe you should maintain your distance, build trust, learn how to communicate better, learn to put your own happiness before that of others first and truly KNOW what you want before you even think of being together. Let me tell you, if you think that being apart is difficult, you have a big wake-up call coming. Being together is far more challenging and if you haven't learned all the things listed above you will never get through it.

Do yourself a favour... wait and learn. You say that if you don't do it within a month that you will have to wait a very long time. Perhaps that is EXACTLY what you both need. If you truly love each other you will be patient enough to allow your separation to teach you the things you both need to learn. Love IS patient. I really feel that if she moves to be with you now that even if you get close at first that your relationship will permanently end at some point in the next 5 years.

So, that's how I see it. Only YOU know whether it fits... if you are honest enough with yourself.

Hugs, Didi